my next guest uh is a very odd and a very funny person he can currently be seen in a
motion picture called bad medicine uh i think you're
in for a real treat here please welcome gilbert gottfried gilbert
oh oh i can't believe it oh that was wonderful oh that ah what a beautiful crowd what a
wonderful audience oh you're a beautiful crowd i love you i'd like to take you home with me
i'd like to see you all naked i'd like to beat you i'd like to humiliate you i'd like to hang
each one of you naked by your ankles and smear cheese all over your body and i can i'd like it
to be it's not gonna be tempered cheese not even hot or cold see hot and cold your body reacts to
tepid you gotta there's something tempered on me it's tempered get this step in there they smeared
something tepid on me i'd like i'd like it to be the kind of cheese you find only at parties
the kind of cheese where you didn't eat all day because you thought there'd be food at the party
you had millions of opportunities to eat all day everyone was offering you food they said here have
a nice snake now i can't i'm going to a party there'll be so much food there well would you
like a pizza no no i can't i can't i'm gonna there's food from the door to the window food
all they have is food will there be women at this no no no it's food how would you like some
organically grown berries no no i can't i can't too filling it's way too filling and then you're
walking to the party and there in front of you is a wedge of cheese and it's it's like it's like
soft and yellow on the inside and hard black wax on the outside it's like you're never quite sure
if you should eat the hard black wax it's like cause you figure well if i eat the hot black wax
people are gonna you know maybe i should just eat the yellow pot and throw away the hot black wax
then you do that you throw it away and they go east yeah why didn't you eat the
hard black wax then it's the most nutritious part of the cheese eat the hard black wax
or you can eat the hard black wax and then you run into the risk that people are gonna
be looking at you going there's someone over there eating the hot black rice he's eating
them don't don't look now don't look now don't look down just go act like you're getting a drink
and then take a look well okay i'll act like well i think i'll have a martini now he's eating that
oh my god he hate it i think he swallowed i think no you're kidding me now
no he did he swallowed it true story that happened that happened it's true today
i woke up i must have waited 15 minutes before a stephen king novel came out
i was worried i called him up he went steve
steve i have one of those phones that goes flat against your face steve
my uncle died recently i put him in a mausoleum if i keep in there for six months i can get a toaster
can't wait for my aunt to die got my eye on a clock radio
once i was walking through the country
and i looked up in the sky and there was a bolt of lightning and a strange alien ship landed in
the middle of the field and the latches opened up and greenish gray creatures emerged from the ship
they surrounded me staring at me with their unblinking red orbs
and finally one of them spoke and said benghazar is a good actor why can't he get a serious
i pondered this for a while and i said i don't know i can't help you they're very small
i don't know i can't stay together in a group
is that the only reason you came down here yeah this is not enough
but they said they yell a lot they're very annoying jackie gleason in casablanca you're
getting on that plane with vic laszlo oh you're getting on that plane all right
and i know that you know that i know that you're getting on that plane
elmer fudd in apocalypse now
oh
now james mason as ralph cramden
norton and alice are going burling
richard burton has nothing i can't go bowling with you ralph trixie's mother is coming over
jack nicholson as alice
you can't go bowling route how i wish these bits had endings
why don't i come up with an ending for a bit you never do do you
well that's it
giver nice to see you stop it have you been what have you been doing lately
oh me glad you asked lately i've been breaking in this suit for norman phil
he called me he said then i said norman if you want it you got it i uh you know gandhi
was a strange fella gandhi was a wacky guy i once uh gandhi once wrote a book called hi
i'm gandhi there's him on the cover like this you know and a tweet jackie kind of
an introductory piece and then i i once said to him you know gandhi and he goes please mahatma
shave your head and donate that was my advice herman melville once came to me said i'm
writing a book called moby dick it's about a guy in a boat you think it needs something
fish an animal would make it more cheerful all in all uh you know but i'll tell you something
i want to tell you something about our nuclear holocaust you think it's hard to get a cab now
that would be tough wouldn't it oh would it be tough yeah do do me uh one uh quick oh i'm
sorry i can't one little uh of uh some more of ralph cramden in uh and uh uh casablanca
let me hear just one two seconds of it a little more a reprise a reprise yeah oh do i have to
see i know how to uh you know how to get there wait a minute we got time
for this uh okay quickly here gilbert do this for us and we'll we'll love it elsa
what we had we left in paris we're never gonna lose audio
okay thank you very much gilbert we'll be right back