WELCOME TO LATE SHOW, EVERYBODY, I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT'S NOT EVERY DAY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, IT'S NOT EVERY DAY
THAT YOU CAN SAY HEY, DID YOU SEE THE BIG STORY ABOUT TRUMP
BEING AN AGENT OF THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT OVER THE WEEKEND.
>> OH PIE GOODNESS.
>> Stephen: NO, NOT THAT STORY, THE OTHER ONE.
A COUPLE OF STORIES, ONE AT A TIME, FIRST IS THIS THE TIMES.
"THE NEW YORK TIMES" REVELLED THAT AFTER DONALD TRUMP FIRED
JAMES COMEY IN 2017, THE FBI OPENED AND INQUIRERY INTO
WEATHER TRUMP WAS SECRETLY WORKING ON BEHALF OF RUSSIA.
WHICH, COME ON, NO, NO, I THINK THAT IS, NO, LISTEN, I THINK
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
THERE IS NOTHING SECRET ABOUT IT.
(LAUGHTER) HE IS JUST PUTTING IT OUT THERE.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) HASN'T DONE ONE THING LING PIT
PUTIN LOOK LIEFNT.
I VN BEEN TALKING ABOUT HIM PLAYING FOOTSIE WITH PUTIN BACK
IN JULY OF 2017 AT THE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION.
BUT IF YOU LOOK IT IS STILL SHOCKING, IT IS LIKE YOU KNOW
YOUR GRANDPARENTS PROBABLY HAVE SEX EVERY SO OFTEN BUT ARE YOU
STILL SHOCKED TO READ GAMMY'S EROTIC DIARIES.
AND WITH THAT HE DROPS HIS ROBE AND SAID CHECK OUT THESE 50
SHADES OF GRAY.
(LAUGHTER) I'M HAPPY FOR THEM.
I'M HAPPY FOR THEM.
THEY-- DESERVE TO ENJOY SOMETHING.
AFTER, AFTER COMEY'S FIRING, COUNTERINTELLIGENCE
INVESTIGATORS HAD TO CONSIDER WHETHER THE PRESIDENT'S OWN
ACTIONS CONSTITUTED A POSSIBLE THREAT TO NATIONAL SECURITY.
OH, REMEMBER WHEN IT WAS ONLY POSSIBLE THAT THE PRESIDENT WAS
A THREAT TO NATIONAL SECURITY?
AH TO BE YOUNG AND STUPID AGAIN.
THE FBI ALSO TRIED TO FIGURE OUT WHETHER MR. TRUMP WAS KNOWINGLY
WORKING FOR RUSSIA OR HAD UNWITTINGLY FALLEN UNDER
MOSCOW'S INFLUENCE.
OKAY, THIS IS SOMETHING FROM THE SMILE FILEMENT OUR PRESIDENT
MIGHT NOT BE SPYING FOR RUSSIA.
HE MIGHT BE THEIR UNWITTING STOOGE.
WE'LL FINNED OUT TONIGHT IN THE NEW GAME SHOW, EVIL OR STUPID!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: WELCOME TO EVIL OR STUPID.
EITHER WAY AMERICA WINS THE DESTRUCTION OF NATO, THE END OF
WESTERN DEMOCRACY AS WE KNOW IT AND A LIFETIME 134R50EU OF
RUSSIAN INFLUENCE BUT A BROYHILL DINETTE SET.
SO THE FBI THOUGHT THEY HAD REASON TO INVESTIGATE WHETHER
THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES WAS A FOREIGN ASSET.
THAT IS HORRIFYING.
AND DEPRESSING.
AND THERE IS NOTHING THAT COULD POSSIBLY CHEER ME UP, EXCEPT
THIS.
WHOOO!
THAT IS JUST WONDERFUL, THAT IS EXTRAORDINARY.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHERE WERE WE, OH YEAH, HISTORIC TREASON.
>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: SO WHAT DID THE FBI FIND?
WE DON'T KNOW YET BECAUSE JUST DAYS AFTER THEY OPENED THE
COMRAD TRUMPSKY INVESTIGATION, SPECIAL COUNSEL ROBERT MUELLER
TOOK OVER THE INQUIRERY.
THAT MUST BE AN INTERESTING FIRST DAY AT WORK.
OKAY, BOB, HERE'S THE WASHROOM, DOWN THERE IS THE SUPPLY CLOSET,
OVER THERE IS THE COFFEE MAKER, THE PRESIDENT MIGHT BE A SPY,
GOOD LUCK, BYE!
(APPLAUSE) THEN YESTERDAY "THE WASHINGTON
POST" REVEALED THAT DONALD TRUMP HAS DONE EVERYTHING IN HIS POWER
TO CONCEAL THE CONTENT OF HIS MEETINGS WITH VLADIMIR PUTIN.
IN FACT THERE IS NO DETAILED RECORD EVEN IN CLASSIFIED FILES
OF HIS FACE TO FACE INTERACTIONS WITH THE RUSSIAN LEADER AT FIVE
LOCATIONS OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.
AND BECAUSE TRUMP WOULDN'T TELL HIS OWN STAFF WHAT HE SAID TO
PUTIN, THEY WERE FORCED TO READ REPORTS BY U.S. INTELLIGENCE
AGENCIES TRACKING THE REACTION IN THE KREMLIN.
OKAY, GUYS, WE HAVE GOT THE KREMLIN NOTES RIGHT HERE.
NOW WE JUST HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHO THIS GOLDEN AGENT DUMB ASS
IS AND WHAT OPERATION EASIEST THING WE'VE EVER DONE IS.
SO OUR COMMANDER IN CHIEF MET FIVE TIMES WITH A DICTATOR OF A
HOSTILE FOREIGN GOVERNMENT THAT HE IS SUSPECTED OF BEING AN
AGENT FOR.
NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY SAY.
THAT IS CHILLING.
AND HEARTBREAKING.
AND IT PUTS ME IN AN INESCAPABLE EMOTIONAL TAIL SPIN.
JIM?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WAIT JIM, JIM, DID YOU NOT HAVE
THE CAMERA ON ME, I WAS DOING THE ARE YOU TEEN ALONG WITH HER.
WHAT WAS I SAYING? OH YEAH, WE'RE ALL DOOMED.
WITH THIS ULTRA DAMNING INFORMATION OUT THERE NOW THE
PRESIDENT CALLED FOX NEWS OVER THE WEEKEND TO ADDRESS THE
ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM.
ARE YOU NOW OR HAVE YOU EVER WORKED FOR RUSSIA,
MR. PRESIDENT.
>> I THINK IT IS THE MOST INSULTING THING I'VE EVER BEEN
ASKED.
I THINK IT IS THE MOST INSULTING ARTICLE I HAVE EVER HAD WRITTEN.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T WANT TO TRY A NO?
OR EVEN, OR EVEN, OR EVEN, OR EVEN A NYET.
BUT THE PRESIDENT GOT A SECOND CHANCE TO MAKE A FIRST
IMPRESSION IN THIS MORNING'S INSTALLMENT OF CHOPPER TALK.
A REPORTER ASKED DONALD TRUMP DIRECTLY IF HE WAS WORKING FOR
PUTIN.
AND THIS TIME HE GOT IT RIGHT.
>> I NEVER WORKED FOR RUSSIA.
AND YOU KNOW THAT ANSWER BETTER THAN ANYBODY.
I NEVER WORKED FOR RUSSIA.
>> NONE OF IT WAS WORK.
I HANG OUT WITH V LAD AND-- VLAD AND DESTABILIZE WESTERN
DEMOCRACY FOR THE LOVE OF THE GAME, OKAY.
I JUST, I JUST, AND YOU KNOW, I-- I, DI-- --
(APPLAUSE) AND TRUMP KNOWS WHO IS REALLY TO
BLAME FOR THIS INVESTIGATION.
LYING JAMES COMEY.
>> SO WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE FBI, I HAVE DONE A GREAT SERVICE
FOR OUR COUNTRY WHEN I FIRED JAMES COMEY.
BECAUSE HE WAS A BAD COP AND HE WAS A DIRTY COP.
AND HE LIED.
HE REALLY LIED.
>> Stephen: WE GET IT.
YOU KNOW ONE THING ABOUT EACH OF YOUR ENEMIES AND YOU KEEP SAYING
IT JUST TO REMEMBER THEIR NAMES.
COMEY LIED.
SCHUMER CRIED, TED CRUZ'S DAD DID HOMICIDE.
WE DIDN'T START THE FIRE!
BUT MAYBE-- CHEESIER (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
BUT MAYBE THE PRESIDENT SENSED HE WAS IN OVER HIS HEAD HERE
BECAUSE HE QUICKLY CHANGED THE SUBJECT TO THINGS HE IS AN
EXPERT IN, WATCHING FOOTBALL AND EATING FAST FOOD.
>> I DON'T KNOW IF THE WEATHER CHANGES THINGS BUT THE CLEMSON
CHAMPIONSHIP TEAM, THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP TEAM WILL BE COMING
TONIGHT AND I THINK WE'RE GOING TO SERVE MCDONALD'S, WENDSIES
AND BURGER KINGS WITH SOME PIZZA.
I REALLY MEAN IT, IT WILL BE INTERESTING.
AND I WOULD THINK THAT IS THEIR FAVORITE FOOD.
>> Stephen: MR. PRESIDENT, IS IT POSSIBLE YOU'RE JUST
PROJECTING YOUR FAVORITE FOODS ON TO THEM?
>> WE'RE GOING TO EAT ALL OF THEIR FAVORITE FOODS, BURGERS,
KFC, TACO BOWLS, TWO SCOOPS OF ICE CREAM.
WE'RE GOING TO WATCH THEIR FAVORITE MOVIE, THE 2016
ELECTION RESULTS.
THEN I WILL SPANK THEM ALL WITH A ROLLED UP FORBS.
I HEAR THEY'RE REALLY INTO THAT, OKAY, COME ON GUYS, LET'S-- COME
ON, COME ON.
CHEESIER PLAWS (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)