How can I handle difficult people without going crazy myself?
Hi! I'm Dr. Paul Jenkins, I've worked for three decades as a professional psychologist. And I
think I can help. Let's first talk about some ways to protect your own mind, and then I'll give you
three specific script items that you can say in those interactions. Alright, let's jump in. When
we call someone a difficult person, it changes how we show up in that interaction. I invite you to
see that. Now, you don't have to change it at this point. But notice that you're labeling that person
difficult. Why this is important is because our brain gets instructions from our thoughts about
how we're going to show up next. When you tell your brain that this is a difficult person that I'm
dealing with. Your brain goes into a protective mode, okay? It wants to protect you. In fact, I've
taught this in my coaching programs for years now. That your brain has two main jobs. To keep you safe,
and to prove you right. Both of those are going to get in our way a little bit as we're dealing
with difficult people. I'll put that in air quotes because that's simply a name. Let me give you an
idea why naming is so important as well. We had a visitor come over to our home once, he's from
another country. And as he was petting our dog, he was doing it in a strange way. And I think he was
teasing us a little bit too. But he was feeling our dog along the sides as he was petting. Just
see how fat he was. And then he was licking his chops a little bit. And I'm like wait a minute.
What are you doing? And he explained. Well, in my country dogs are lunch. And I thought that is so
weird to me because I have named my dog his name. I don't think of him as lunch. Well, in his country
they don't keep dogs as pets. They actually have them on the menu. My point is whatever ever you
name something determines how you treat it. And you treat lunch very differently than you treat a
loved pet. Why does it matter that we call someone a difficult person? Because it changes how we show
up. It changes how we approach them. So, notice that you're doing that. What might we call them instead?
Think about the alternate names or titles that you could give to these people that you've been
calling difficult. What about interesting? Now, I use that one a lot because my brain enjoys interesting
things. And so, if I label someone interesting, my brain has a different instruction from my
thought. Instead of going to the frustration that I might feel if I'm dealing with something that's
difficult. I go to more of a curiosity when I'm dealing with something that I've labeled
interesting. So, I will prefer to call people interesting before I call them difficult. Just
because it changes how I show up. Here's another one. Entertaining. I remember my wife Vicki asking
me once about an old high school acquaintance that a lot of people found to be annoying. That
was the title that they picked for him. And I got along with him pretty well. And Vicki asked me. How
do you get along with him as well as you do? And I said I just find him very entertaining. See, the
label I picked was entertaining. Not difficult. Not annoying. Entertaining. And honestly, I was kind of
amused by some of the things that he did. You can try this with some of those difficult people. I
remember we did a webinar just before the holidays about how to deal with difficult people during the
holidays. This point came up. What if you're going to a family event for example and you know that
Uncle Charles is going to be there and he's always saying these things that are totally off the wall
and offending everybody? Well, do you have to be offended? Or can you go in anticipating that you're
going to be entertained by Uncle Charles? It's not going to be that you get tipped over by him. It's
entertaining. See, again, the point that I'm trying to make here is that what you label it changes how
you show up. Because it changes the feeling. These alternate labels for me help me to be more curious
and less judgmental or less annoyed when I go into that interaction. So, this is how we protect our own
mind. Take responsibility for your thoughts. You don't have to change a thing. You have to change
a think. And that will help to fortify your mind for what's next. Now, I promised you three things
that you can put into your script. Things that you can actually say before I go there if you've found
things that work for you. Would you just go down to the comments here on the video and leave some
of your ideas. I've found that some of the people who are watching the videos have even better ideas
than mine. So, will you share them right here in the comments? Now, let's get to that script. Script hint
number one, don't say anything. Wait, how is that a script thing Dr. Paul? Yeah, here's your script.
Nothing. Don't say anything. There are times when opening your mouth just makes things worse. Pause
for a minute. Push the pause button and don't even say anything. Just observe and listen. And don't try
to intervene as quickly. What this does is it buys a little time for you. To rethink some of what's
going on in your own mind. You might be able to choose one of those other labels. Which brings
about a different feeling for you. Which helps you to create some different outcomes. You see where
I'm going with that? Push the pause button. Don't say anything at all. Here's script hint number two,
say thank you, followed by something like that's fascinating, or I hadn't thought of that. Because
probably hadn't, right? This person is going a direction that you wouldn't have chosen or that
you're not particularly used to. This also buys you time and it changes the energy and the interaction.
Thank you. After you hear whatever it is that might have annoyed you before. I hadn't thought
of that, or that's really interesting, or wow! That's fascinating. This leads me to the third script hint.
Which comes from the improv comedy world. Say yes, followed by and, alright? A lot of times we get
a little resistant to something that somebody's saying or doing that rubs us the wrong way. And
we'll say no, or we'll say yeah. But there's a big difference between yeah, but, and yes, and. Do you
hear the difference? Do you feel the difference? First of all, the word yeah is very dismissive.
But is like saying forget what I just said, here's what I really mean. When we say yes, that creates an
energy in and of itself. It starts us off on a more positive direction. And allows you to add to what's
already been said instead of trying to negate it or diffuse it some way through the but. Yes
and, and then you add whatever it is that you want to add to that equation. Focus on
the common ground or what you can actually agree with. Build on that as you move into the next part
of the conversation. Now, we've covered a couple of different aspects here so important to take
care of your own mind. Then the communication is powerful and crucial as you move forward. I've got
a little communication cheat sheet. I'd be happy to put this in your inbox if you would like that. Just
go to the URL on the screen, drpauljenkins.com/ communication. I'll put it in your inbox.