- [Voiceover] Dating can be difficult.
- [Voiceover] Especially when you meet all different
types of people.
(upbeat percussion music)
- Come on, one more drink.
- [Voiceover] Meet the Tourist.
The Tourist says she's bisexual.
Well, after three drinks she is.
She won't hesitate to make out for the sake of that
good old college experimentation.
But even after a month of nights spent together
anything below the fanny pack and it's suddenly. . .
- Oh, can we just keep making out?
- [Voiceover] Or . . .
- Donde estas el bano?
Ha ha.
- [Voiceover] It becomes abundantly clear that she's
only a tourist here and not a permanent resident.
- You're gonna order a
rum and coke.
- [Voiceover] Meet the Psychic.
He's someone who thinks he knows you better than
you know yourself.
He'll try to predict your sexuality before you do.
He'll tell you that he was . . .
- Was once bisexual too.
- [Voiceover] And . . .
- We all go through that phase.
- [Voiceover] And eventually he'll be able
to predict the future.
- I see you leaving me.
Wait, what?
- [Voiceover] The Jack Tripper believes that three's
company is a motto to live by.
He thinks that your sexuality means that you're always
down for a threesome and ready to jump in the sack
with any girl as long as he's there.
- Yeah, chemistry here.
It's palpable.
(upbeat quirky music)
- [Voiceover] Going out will always result in him
asking you if we can take home That Girl.
Or, That Girl.
- [Voiceover] The Detective is always on the job
and always suspicious of you.
You'll find her constantly interrogating you about
your sexuality.
- What percent straight are you?
- [Voiceover] She'll ask, or . . .
- So what do you call yourself?
- [Voiceover] Or . . .
- If you had to choose between men and women,
who would you choose?!
- Have I told you the one about how we faked a moon landing?
- [Voiceover] There's the Conspiracy Theorist.
She has clearly been burned before and she's convinced
that you'll leave her for a man.
Which, to her, is more devastating than leaving her
for a woman.
- I dated a bisexual once.
He cheated on me.
They always cheat.
- [Voiceover] She has major trust issues and has somehow
managed to link fidelity to sexuality all while wearing
a tin foil hat and yelling . . .
- Tupac Shakur is alive and he is living in Tucson, Arizona!
He is keeping it tight.
- You see, you would look a lot better if you leaned against
the bar and then bit your finger, like this.
- [Voiceover] Meet the Director.
He is the guy who will tell you how to act in public.
If you're not acting gay enough for him,
he'll tell you what to do, what to say, where to stand,
how to stand, and keep you going until you've given
an Oscar winning performance convincing all of his friends
you're something that you're not.
- Oh that's great!
And, cut!
We got it guys!
Let's go to the Oscars, I will drive.
- [Voiceover] And just when you've given up hope
you finally meet the Ultimate.
They get you no matter what.
And love you for who you are.
And you realize this has all been building up to them.
(light airy music)