Happy day before Valentine's Day!
If you haven't gotten your significant other a gift yet,
do not worry.
There are other ways to show you care.
All of them involve putting out.
[LAUGHTER]
Since Valentine's Day is tomorrow,
I thought I'd answer some love and relationship
questions from the audience.
I'm not an expert on anything.
But I promise that I won't let that stop me.
Because I love doing Q and A. I usually
answer people's questions when I do stand up after the show.
And then I ask questions on my show here every day.
So I'm from familiar with both the Qs and the As.
So I thought I could use a man's opinion, as well.
So come on over here, tWitch.
[APPLAUSE]
All right.
So we'll see what kind of love questions we get.
And I think we have some people in the audience
with microphones.
And they're going to go up to some people that
have questions.
Anybody have a question that--
yes?
OK.
Hi.
Hi, Ellen!
And tWitch!
How you doing--
So my question for you is, I've been on dating apps
for a couple of months.
And I keep accidentally matching with weirdos,
even though their profiles seem normal.
So my question is, how do you weed out the creeps
before you match with them?
Well, I've never been on a dating app, have you?
I have not.
No.
Yeah.
It does seem like they could lie.
They could represent something.
And then, when you meet them--
how many dates have gone on?
Like, four?
Four.
And they've all been weird?
Well, recently, I matched with this guy.
And he asked me to come to his balcony for a first date.
Yeah, I feel like-- yeah, that's a red flag, just off the top.
Right?
He seemed normal.
It's like he's going to push you, or something.
[INAUDIBLE] Why your balcony?
I don't know.
Did you go to his balcony?
No!
Good.
All right.
No, I stopped replying.
And then, so I stopped replying for a couple days.
And then he called me.
And we had never talked on the phone.
And he left me a voicemail.
And it was really weird.
All right, yeah.
Stay away from him.
Try a different dating app, then, you know?
OK.
Right?
Maybe it's that dating app, whatever it is.
OK.
I'll try it.
All right.
Good luck to you.
And then, you know, there's always women.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
I'm just trying to help, Mary!
Gives you more options.
What is your opinion on sexting and sending nudes?
[GROANS AND LAUGHTER]
I'm against it?
I don't know.
It's dangerous to have something out
there that could get into somebody else's hands.
I think that's something that only someone should see
that's in the room with you.
I don't like putting stuff like that out there.
That's my opinion.
What do you think?
Have you ever done that?
Uh-- I--
You have?
I have, yeah, with my wife.
With my wife, yeah.
Right.
So that's OK?
Yeah, with my wife, yeah, absolutely.
So I just think, our general rule
is just, make sure that it's cleaned off of there, right?
So it's just it's not just lingering.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Like, well, no.
You know what I'm saying?
So you just kind of--
you get the message across.
And then you get it on out of there.
You know?
So it's--
Delete.
Yeah, just delete.
Delete.
Delete, right.
Just, yeah.
I don't know.
I don't understand that.
Have you done it before?
I can't answer that.
Some of my kids are here.
She asked the question, though!
Yeah, I see.
You just decided, in front of your kids,
you'd ask the question.
All right.
They're in their 20s.
I wonder if they've done it.
Yeah.
[GROANING]
Yeah, yeah, I wonder if they have.
They're not going to answer you.
Because their mom's here.
All right.
Well, good luck to you if you try to do that.
Thank you.
Yeah, good.
Make sure there's good lighting.
Yeah, always, always, always make
sure there's good lighting on something you're doing.
Yes?
Hi, guys.
How are you?
Hi.
So I'm a newlywed.
I'm recently married.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
So we just adopted a dog.
And we're having trouble with the dog not jumping on the bed
while we're having intercourse.
Right.
So we're wondering if you guys know
how to handle this situation.
So when you-- and I've had that problem.
So what does the dog do when it jumps on the bed?
She doesn't do anything.
She just jumps up and stares.
So we--
Does she ever howl along with you?
No!
I'm just asking.
Thank God, no.
Yeah.
'Cause I'll just tell you, It's weird.
Yeah, it's weird.
That, also, is weird.
Really weird.
All right.
You know what?
You could get her a little doggy eye mask.
And--
That's a good idea.
Then that wouldn't be creepy at all,
to see a dog on the bed with an eye mask.
I don't know what to say.
Because locking them out, then that's going to be distracting.
Because they're going to bark like crazy.
You're just going to have to deal with it.
It's part of your--
it's part of it.
That's just what happens.
You know?
It is, now, what it is.
Right.
All right.
All right, thank you.
Thank you.
All right.
Is there a man here that wants tWitch to teach him
a sexy dance move for Valentine's Day?
I'll let you figure out what man needs to--
What man needs to come-- yo, her husband?
Yeah.
That's you?
Yeah.
Come on, man.
Come on, come on.
I think you got enough confidence, bra.
I think you got enough confidence.
I think you all right.
Come here, man.
Come here.
How you doing?
Nice to meet you.
What's up?
Nice to meet you, too, man.
Absolutely.
All right.
Let's get a track.
Let's get some music on.
[MUSIC - UNK, "WALK IT OUT"]
Now, walk it out.
Show me what you got, let's go.
Show [INAUDIBLE] show me what you got!
Show me what you got!
OK?
OK.
Here.
A little work on your hips.
Work on your hips.
Now, hit the dance-floor.
And bend your back low.
She do it with no hands.
Now, stop, pop, and roll.
I'm smoking buble, ho.
Yeah, they in trouble, ho.
I like the way she move, she an undercover ho.
Now, everybody leaning.
I make the crowd rock.
Now, go and rock it out.
I see they on my--
Make some noise for my man!
[INAUDIBLE] absolutely!