WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELL, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HEARD
THE NEWS, BUT, AFTER NINE YEARS IN PRISON, O.J. SIMPSON WAS
GRANTED PAROLE.
THAT'S RIGHT, THE JUICE IS LOOSE!
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Jon: WOW...
WOW...
>> Stephen: I THINK THEY'RE CHANTING JUICE!
O.J. GOT AWAY.
ORENTHAL IS SOARING, Y'ALL.
FINALLY, HE HAS THE OPPORTUNITY TO FIND THE REAL KILLER.
FIRST STEP: BUY A MIRROR.
>> Jon: WHOA!
>> Stephen: OKAY?
SAY WHAT YOU WANT ABOUT O.J., HE NEVER MET WITH SERGEI KISLYAK.
( LAUGHTER ) UNLIKE HIS BUDDY, HERE.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) COME ON, NOW!
DON'T BE TOO HARSH.
THAT WAS 1993, WHEN IT WAS A COIN TOSS WHICH ONE OF THOSE
GUYS WOULD END UP PRESIDENT AND WHICH WOULD END UP IN JAIL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MAYBE BOTH!
MIGHT GET A TWO FER!
SPEAKING OF WHICH, IT'S ALSO THE SIXTH MONTH ANNIVERSARY OF
TRUMP'S INAUGURATION.
( AUDIENCE BOOING ) I'M NOT SURE WHAT YOU GIVE FOR
SIX MONTHS.
I KNOW I'M TAKING XANAX.
( LAUGHTER ) I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S JUST SIX
MONTHS.
IT SEEMS TO HAVE LONGER THAN SIX MONTHS, DOESN'T IT?
IT'S CRAZY.
ONE OF OUR STAFFERS HAD A BABY BORN ON INAUGURATION DAY, AND
HERE'S THAT SAME BABY TODAY.
( LAUGHTER ) ETTES ALL THE STRESS.
IT'S THE CORTISOL.
>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: HE'LL BE FINE.
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, TO CELEBRATE LASTING SIX
MONTHS, YESTERDAY, DONALD TRUMP GAVE AN INTERVIEW TO THE
"FAILING NEW YORK TIMES."
( LAUGHTER ) FIRST, TRUMP TALKED ABOUT SENATE
REPUBLICANS WHO ARE ON THE FENCE ABOUT SUPPORTING HIS HEALTHCARE
BILL.
"I THINK WE HAVE SIX PEOPLE WHO ARE REALLY SORT OF OKAY.
THEY ARE ALL GOOD PEOPLE.
WE DON'T HAVE BAD PEOPLE.
I KNOW THE BAD PEOPLE.
BELIEVE ME, DO I KNOW BAD PEOPLE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OH -- OH, SIR --
>> Jon: HEY, HEY...
>> Stephen: I BELIEVE YOU.
TRUMP BRAGGED ABOUT ALL HE'S ACCOMPLISHED SO FAR.
"I'VE GIVEN THE FARMERS BACK THEIR FARMS.
I'VE GIVEN THE BUILDERS BACK THEIR LAND, TO BUILD HOUSES AND
TO BUILD OTHER THINGS."
( LAUGHTER ) THE WORD YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IS
BUILDINGS.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW, THE BIG THINGS WITH
YOUR NAME ON THEM.
BUT IT WASN'T JUST DOMESTIC BRAGGING.
OH, NO.
TRUMP LOVES HIMSELF OVERSEAS, TOO.
"I HAVE HAD THE BEST REVIEWS ON FOREIGN LAND.
SO I GO TO POLAND AND MAKE A SPEECH.
ENEMIES OF MINE IN THE MEDIA, ENEMIES OF MINE ARE SAYING IT
WAS THE GREATEST SPEECH EVER MADE ON FOREIGN SOIL BY A
PRESIDENT."
ARE YOU SURE THEY DIDN'T SAY IT WAS A FOREIGN SPEECH BY A
PRESIDENT GREATLY SOILING HIMSELF?
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
BECAUSE I SAW THAT SPEECH.
I SAW THE SPEECH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TRUMP WAS ESPECIALLY PROUD OF
HIS BASTILLE DAY VISIT WITH FRENCH PRESIDENT EMMANUEL
MACRON.
"WE HAD DINNER AT THE EIFFEL TOWER, AND THE BOTTOM OF THE
EIFFEL TOWER LOOKED LIKE THEY COULD HAVE NEVER HAD A BIGGER
CELEBRATION EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE EIFFEL TOWER.
I MEAN, THERE WERE THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE, 'CAUSE THEY
HEARD WE WERE HAVING DINNER."
"ALSO, JUST FOR MY VISIT, THEY BUILT THIS ARC DE TRIUMPH, TO
CELEBRATE HOW I WON IN WISCONSIN."
"SO HUGE."
( PIANO RIFF ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: YES.
>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: IT'S TIME WE ALL APPLAUDED HIS WIN IN WISCONSIN.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, ONE TAKEAWAY FROM TRUMP'S
FRENCH ADVENTURE WAS HIS FAMOUS, ENDLESS MANO-A-MANO HANDSHAKE
WITH THE FRENCH PRESIDENT.
FORGET ABOUT A COLD WAR WITH RUSSIA-- I THINK WE MAY BE
HAVING A THUMB WAR WITH FRANCE.
( LAUGHTER ) DURING THE INTERVIEW, TRUMP
TALKED ABOUT MACRON, SAYING, "HE'S A GREAT GUY.
SMART.
STRONG.
LOVES HOLDING MY HAND... PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE HE LOVES HOLDING
MY HAND.
AND THAT'S GOOD, AS FAR AS THAT GOES.
I MEAN, REALLY.
HE'S A VERY GOOD PERSON.
AND A TOUGH GUY, BUT, LOOK, HE HAS TO BE.
I THINK HE IS GOING TO BE A TERRIFIC PRESIDENT OF FRANCE.
BUT HE DOES LOVE HOLDING MY HAND."
( LAUGHTER ) "AND THAT'S TOTALLY WEIRD,
BECAUSE I KNOW WHERE THAT HAND HAS BEEN."
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: OH!
OH!
OH, HEY, HEY, HEY...
>> Stephen: AND TRUMP FINALLY EXPLAINED WHY,
AT THE G20 DINNER, HE LEFT HIS SEAT AND WENT OVER TO VLADIMIR
PUTIN.
"SO, I WAS SEATED NEXT TO THE WIFE OF PRIME MINISTER SHINZO
ABE OF JAPAN... AND SHE'S A TERRIFIC WOMAN BUT DOESN'T SPEAK
ENGLISH.
LIKE, NOT 'HELLO'."
OKAY, I CAN SEE WHY HE WOULD WANT TO GET UP AND GO SOMEPLACE
ELSE, BUT I'M NOT SURE THAT'S TRUE BECAUSE
MRS. ABE HAS GIVEN AT LEAST ONE SPEECH IN ENGLISH.
SIR, I THINK SHE WAS FAKING IT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
"HELLO, MRS. ABE."
"KONECHE WA, NO HABLA INGLES, SENOR TRUMP."
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: I'M VERY EXCITED ABOUT THIS --
WE NOW HAVE VIDEO OF TRUMP AFTER HIS CONVERSATION WITH PUTIN,
BACK AT HIS ORIGINAL SEAT BUT STILL GESTURING AT PUTIN.
"YOU'RE GREAT.
LOOKING AT YA.
HERE'S MY HAND.
DON'T KNOW WHERE IT'S BEEN.
YOU, TOO.
HOW ABOUT THIS, YOU, ME, COLLUDE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS THING WHERE HE MOVES IT
BACK AND FORTH, I WANT TO POINT OUT I MADE THAT EXACT SAME
GESTURE EARLIER THIS WEEK ON THE SHOW AND I GOT BLURRED!
( LAUGHTER ) WAS I BEING TOO PRESIDENTIAL?
I DON'T KNOW.
( LAUGHTER ) AND TRUMP MADE AN INTERESTING
CLAIM.
"WHEN NIXON CAME ALONG-- ( INAUDIBLE )
--WAS PRETTY BRUTAL, AND OUT OF COURTESY, THE F.B.I. STARTED
REPORTING TO THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE.
BUT THERE WAS NOTHING OFFICIAL, THERE WAS NOTHING FROM CONGRESS.
THERE WAS NOTHING-- ANYTHING.
BUT THE F.B.I. PERSON REALLY REPORTS DIRECTLY TO THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, WHICH IS INTERESTING.
YOU KNOW, WHICH IS INTERESTING.
AND I THINK WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A GREAT NEW F.B.I. DIRECTOR."
OH, SO THE TOP LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICER IN THE COUNTRY WILL
REPORT DIRECTLY TO YOU WITH NOBODY ELSE IN THE ROOM.
NO ONE WILL KNOW!
SO IT'S LIKE THE POLICE BUT SECRET.
THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT WOULD NOT SEE THESE POLICE.
THEY WOULD BE NOT-SEE POLICE.
I THINK YOU WOULD CALL THEM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NO-SEE OR NOT-SEE, NON-SEE,
NONE-SEE?
NOT-SEE IS GOOD.
THEN, TRUMP TALKED ABOUT THE FIRING OF F.B.I. DIRECTOR JAMES
COMEY.
"WHY WOULD SOMEBODY SAY, 'HE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO FIRE ME,' BAH BAH
BAH?
WHY WOULDN'T YOU JUST SAY, 'HEY, I'VE RETIRED'?"
YES, WHY DIDN'T COMEY JUST SAY HE RETIRED?
JUST WANT TO REMIND YOU THAT HE WAS IN L.A. AT AN F.B.I. EVENT
AND FOUND OUT LIVE FROM A TV IN THE ROOM THAT HE WAS FIRED.
"SIR, THEY'RE SAYING YOU GOT FIRED ON TV."
"WHAT?
NO, I WASN'T.
I RETIRED!" ( LAUGHTER )
WELL, MY WORK IS TONE HERE.
( PIANO RIFF ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
>> Stephen: WHY DIDN'T HE JUST SAY I RETIRED?
THAT WAS TRUMP'S FAMOUS CATCH PHRASE FOR "THE APPRENTICE,"
WASN'T IT?
YOU'VE RETIRED.
WHEN ASKED ABOUT THE SPECIAL PROSECUTOR, ROBERT MUELLER,
TRUMP SAID HE SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN APPOINTED, AND TRUMP WARNED
THAT MUELLER SHOULD STAY OUT OF INVESTIGATING HIS FINANCES.
THAT'S NOT A RED FLAG AT ALL.
( LAUGHTER ) "SURE, THE POLICE ARE WELCOME TO
SEARCH ANYWHERE IN MY HOUSE, AS LONG AS THEY DON'T DIG UP THE
PATIO.
THERE'S NOTHING DOWN THERE.
OR THE SHED.
AND FORGET THE CRAWLSPACE-- IT'S WAY TOO CROWDED IN THERE."
( LAUGHTER ) TURNS OUT THE PRESIDENT'S
WARNING DIDN'T WORK OUT SO WELL BECAUSE, TODAY, IT CAME OUT THAT
MUELLER HAS EXPANDED HIS PROBE INTO TRUMP'S PERSONAL BUSINESS
TRANSACTIONS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MR. TRUMP, COULD YOU PLEASE WARN
MUELLER NOT TO SUBPOENA YOUR TAXES?