- Hello and welcome to "Tips from a Non-Biological Mother,"
a title that makes me sound like a robot.
I'm not a robot.
I'm just a lesbian.
But I have no idea how to word it better, so...
Thank you to KiwiCo for sponsoring today's video,
and giving my son a lot of things to keep him busy today.
More on them later.
Hi, I'm Jessica.
A year ago, my wife Claudia and I
had a lovely little baby called Rupert through IVF,
and today we're going to be talking about what it's like
to be the other mother in a lesbian parenting duo,
the one who didn't give birth,
and in my case,
also the one who didn't give the egg to make the embryo.
FYI, when you take the egg from one mother,
fertilize it,
and put it in the other mother,
that's called reciprocal IVF.
However, since we live in the UK,
I didn't have to adopt Rupert when he was born,
or anything like that.
He was just automatically my child,
and we're both listed on his birth certificate
as equal parents.
Navigating the path of parenthood
as an LGBTQ+ parent, or parents, can be difficult,
especially when it comes to working out
what your role is within the family.
The kind of default expectation around you
is very heteronormative,
and it can feel pretty jarring
when you don't fit into either of those prescribed roles,
whether you're parenting alone,
as part of a couple, or co-parenting,
which is why I really want to talk about it.
If you're going down the pregnancy route,
rather than adopting, or fostering,
there's also the added level of biology playing into things,
and everything we've been taught
about how incredibly important it is.
Have you seen the movies, guys?
It's very, very important to have a big biological family,
also, an unrealistically large house to house them all in,
because you are improbably wealthy
for an unexplained reason.
But whether you're the biological parent,
the non-biological parent,
the pregnant one,
or have embarked on reciprocal IVF,
you are both parents to your child.
Being a parent is about a lot more
than just that first bit of the actual making the baby.
Yet sometimes the non-biological mother, or parent,
can feel pretty left out of the parenthood journey,
as they're not undergoing
the physical change during pregnancy,
but still going through all of the emotional changes
that all parents go through.
It's quite common for friends and family
to ask how the person who's just given birth is doing,
and ask how the baby is doing,
and just completely skip over the other person
who has also just had their life
completely turned upside down.
It's very, it's a lot guys.
It's a lot.
Becoming a parent is a big deal, pals.
Check in on your friends with babies,
regardless of how they acquired them.
It's understandable for the non-pregnant parent
to feel very removed from the process,
just like it is for the pregnant parent
to sometimes feel like they're a bit of an incubator
just carrying around a baby who is all strangers care about.
Hi, I'm up here.
Ask about me first, please.
It isn't easy figuring out your place in the family,
and anyone who tells you that,
"Oh, it's super simple,
and everything just slotted into place,"
is lying to you,
or to themselves.
Nothing with a newborn is easy,
and that's completely normal,
but we have a tendency as LGBTQ+ families
who came to parenthood in a way that's a little circuitous,
to be overprotective of that, to say,
"No, no, no.
It's completely the same.
There's absolutely no difference between us
and a cishet couple having a baby,"
but we're not doing ourselves,
or any other queer parents, any justice
if we don't talk about that,
and talk about how sometimes
it can actually be a little difficult, a little hard,
and how we should be supporting each other,
and talk about the hard stuff.
So in this video,
we're gonna go through some of my top tips
for things that I found really helpful
going through those difficult early days
when we were all just finding our feet.
So this is actually a two-part video.
In this first part,
we're gonna go through some of my top tips
for things that I found really helpful
in those difficult early days.
And then the second part,
which will be coming out next Tuesday,
is gonna be a little Q&A for things that you guys have asked
on our family Instagram @jessieandclaud,
all about what it's like being the non-biological mother.
But before we get started,
let's talk about today's sponsor, KiwiCo,
who have been doing an amazing job
keeping Rupert very entertained.
And now onto the ad.
KiwiCo is my absolute favorite
subscription delivery service.
Yes, of all the types of subscription delivery service.
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It is perfect for Rupert,
who is 13 months old at the moment.
The Panda Crates arrive every other month,
with each containing two months' worth of products,
and information on how to use it.
Yeah, don't worry.
They don't just give you things and then go,
"Hmm, enjoy. It'll teach you something."
I know, it's a panic. It's a panic.
You think, "Oh my God, it's an educational material.
I'm not trained in this."
Every single item within the kit has a little card
that tells you not only the educational idea behind it,
but gives you a little brief overview
of how you can use it with your baby,
and then a little maybe how you can make it
a little bit more complex,
how you can continue to use that item
over the next two months.
This isn't a one-and-done type of item,
and I really appreciate that.
There are cards within the box
that also give ideas on developing your child's interest
around the theme of that month.
This month, our box is all about maths and counting,
but with things that you're gonna find around your house.
One of the ideas this month was just around cereal.
Having your little one pass you back and forth
one piece of cereal, and then slowly building that up.
Can I have two pieces, please?
Rupert really loves the books
that come in each of the crates.
They're really wonderful, very versatile,
and you can really tell how they have moved up
in his development schemes,
and this counting-themed Panda Crate
is just exactly the kind of thing he enjoys,
and that we just love to see him exploring.
Simply click the link in the description,
or go KiwiCo.com/JESSICA50
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The Panda Crate is a really great gift
for anyone with a little one,
like my best friend, Clara.
Hi, Clara.
Or if you want to take a small step into Montessori,
and Montessori kind of things, then this is ideal.
And back to you, Jessica.
So Claudia and I are both Rupert's mothers,
but did we have exactly the same experience of motherhood
in the first few weeks after his birth?
No.
Would that experience have been different again
had Rupert been my egg grown in her stomach?
Yes.
I certainly wouldn't have had to sit
in a circle of other mothers in a baby group
whilst they all discussed the interesting experience
of breastfeeding a child
that looked like a mini version of themselves,
or their other half,
and I was the only one who was neither breastfeeding
nor visually similar to my baby.
It was something I really struggled with
at the beginning of parenthood,
because all of the typical "new mum things"
just didn't apply to me.
There was someone else doing them, my wife,
the one who gave birth.
Our tiny little newborn needed her to feed and be calm.
She could put him back to sleep
with just the scent of her skin,
and hold him in a perfect position.
Together they were in a cozy bliss of hormones and oneness,
whilst I just kind of dithered around them,
trying to be useful,
emptying the nappy bin,
and constantly offering snacks.
Even really well-meaning relatives
had no idea how to talk to me.
They would congratulate me
and give me books about motherhood
that were focused on loving my postpartum body,
which is not something that I have,
but I'm also not a dad, whatever that means.
I felt like I couldn't really talk to anyone
about how I was feeling,
because that was in some way invalidating lesbian parenting
as a whole,
which is a very heavy thing
to lay at the foot of a very valid feeling.
And I worried that perhaps it would continue on.
I mean, would I always feel like this?
Will I be the second-rate mum?
Oh!
Spoiler, no.
It's okay.
Rupert is a year old now,
and like all small humans, he has strong preferences,
including for which parent
he would like to assist him with which thing.
Most of the time it's me.
90% of the time.
I cannot eat food in peace anymore.
Claudia laughs her head off
that I worried in the first few weeks
he wouldn't love me as much as her,
and now he is my shadow who chases me around the house.
But all of this is to say that if you two are in that
where you're worried
about not having a biological connection with your baby,
that it will in some way be a hurdle to your bonding,
whether this is a future baby,
or one that's already arrived,
here are some tips that I found help.
And actually these do apply to all parents,
even if you share DNA with your child,
or you gave birth to them,
it's always lovely to do some extra bonding stuff.
Number one, figuring out your role.
This basically means what are you good at?
Do it.
In the early days, we worked out
that a really nice way to split labor
was that since Claud was breastfeeding,
and was handling all eating requirements,
I would handle all nappy changes and dressing.
And it kind of sounds like getting the short stick,
but it was actually lovely,
because I'm weirdly good at changing nappies.
Not a skill I thought I would ever uncover.
Can I add it to my CV?
Unknown.
It's a great opportunity to connect, to talk to your baby,
to just spend one-on-one time with them.
I find that going really slowly
and informing him of everything I did,
as well as having a little routine,
it meant that he was more interested in getting involved,
in connecting with me than anything else,
and we never had tears,
and I've never been peed on, so...
I thought I was getting a bad job.
Turns out I was getting the good one.
Yay.
There are lots of little jobs like that within parenting
that you'll discover are your niche.
One of you will be better at assisting during meal times.
Ooh. That's your thing now.
Only you.
One of you can do the car seat buckle in under 10 seconds.
Oh, you put the baby in every time now.
Snack mum,
always comes prepared with snacks in her pocket.
Other mum did not plan for this.
One dad can fold the buggy one-handed.
Other dad needs to pull up the YouTube tutorial every time.
We all have niches.
It takes time,
but eventually the family kind of settles together,
and you work out what kind of parent you are,
and what kind of parent your partner,
or other co-parents, are, and you make it work.
Giving birth, or DNA,
just doesn't really have much to do with it.
Like Claudia's Rupert's primary carer,
but she's the fun mum,
and I'm the one he comes to when he wants a calming snuggle,
and a story.
Two, choosing a name.
From choosing a first name you'll grow to love,
to making sure the baby's last name represents both of you,
a name is very, very important,
and something that matters a lot
when it comes to building your own little new family.
We went down the route of double-barreling our surname.
I actually already had a double-barreled surname at birth,
so rather than add Claudia's name to mine,
and have a triple-barreled surname,
would've been a bit much,
I dropped my paternal name.
I mean, my dad already has a son,
so, you know, girl power,
and it's really lovely that we have our own little surname
that's just for the three of us.
Number three, inclusive language and consistency.
When we first had Rupert,
there was a lot of gently reminding
the older people in the family
that no, he does not have a father, he has a donor,
and yes, if you're gonna point out parts of his face,
and be like, "Oh, does he get that from his father?"
We will correct you 20 times in a row.
And again, and again, and again.
Yeah, still doing it, and we're still doing it.
We only acknowledged the gifts and cars
that congratulated both of us on having a baby,
and yes, we did get some that were only for Claudia.
Again, we are fricking married.
The phrase, "We had a baby,"
is still something that we use,
rather than, "Claudia had a baby,"
which, admittedly, can be confusing
whenever it is I'm talking to a doctor,
and then have to go,
"Oh, no, wait, sorry, whoops.
Don't write that down in my medical notes.
I didn't actually give birth."
When someone in a restaurant says, "Whose baby is it?"
And means who gave birth, or who shares DNA with this child?
We are still going to answer, "Both of us,"
and let them walk away in confusion,
because why would you ask that?
And Rupert will always know
which side of the family he's directly related to,
mainly because he is the spitting image
of his Malaysian grandmother, but with Claud's dad's hair,
because apparently her genes are just really strong,
but that's not something that nosy randomers get to know,
just because we're an LGBTQ+ family.
Four, communicate.
With your partner, sure.
But I'm mainly talking about the baby.
Before the little one's born,
take time to talk to the bump, read to it, play music to it.
Research is actually showing
that babies in their first few months
can recognize a song they heard in utero,
so no matter how bad your singing voice is,
you just start warbling away pre birth,
and your little one
will think you are the best thing they've ever heard,
'cause you're the only thing they've ever heard.
Reading with your baby,
or having another special time of day together,
is a great way to bond,
if you're not with them 100% of the time.
Rupert and I started reading books together
when he was just over three months old.
We now have two set times of the day,
in the morning and the evening,
where he'll come to sit on my lap and read a story.
At other times, he'll request a book by signing for it,
or picking up the one he wants,
and then bum-shuffle chasing me around the kitchen with it,
until I give in and read it.
And there is something really, really sweet now
about the fact that he like comes
and puts his little leg over me, sits on me, book.
I die.
You can also get very involved in other ways,
like preparing the nursery together,
buying baby clothes and products,
preparation, and organizing a baby shower,
if that's your thing.
I made a spreadsheet of baby items
that I have never used since,
because life with a baby
is actually really busy and overwhelming,
and does not have time for spreadsheets,
but it made me feel really on top of things
and calm at the time, so that was nice.
And most importantly, five, being open is the key.
It might seem really obvious
that you might also be concerned
about sharing your feelings with your other half.
What if you're accidentally invalidating their feelings,
or putting too much burden on them?
Or with friends and family,
especially if they're cisgendered and heterosexual,
and you've previously had shaky ground
when it comes to building an LGBTQ+ family,
even if they're accepting now, I mean, ooh.
You might also feel uncomfortable
raising any negative feelings with other queer friends.
Are you letting the side down?
Oh God, how alienating
if you're the only one who feels this way.
And I mean, that's even without discussing
just how difficult being the non-biological parent is
when you wanted to carry yourself,
or you had other fertility issues.
Seeking support and sharing how you feel
are vitally important.
Around 15 to 20% of people get post-natal depression
after giving birth,
but 10% of their partners do too.
Being a first-time parent is a particular vulnerability,
and the peak onset time is three to six months after birth.
Speaking to other non-biological parents,
through support groups or networks,
is a really great way to connect with people who can help.
It's important to make sure that you're both involved
in the big day of the baby's birth,
as much as these things can be planned.
There are so many different emotions to deal with
around a baby's birth,
but open and honest communication
is just always going to be the best way forwards.
Working through it is the best way
to ensure you have a positive
and happy parenting journey ahead of you,
and that it's an exciting one too.
I found I had so many mixed feelings
along our conception journey,
largely to do with the fact
that I also really wanted to be pregnant,
but knew that that wasn't something I could do.
And then once Claudia was pregnant,
there was a whole,
"This is such an unknown, and what's it going to be like?"
And in the first few weeks after birth,
I worried about, was I just some kind of third wheel here?
"Like what's going on?
You guys are having, you're a great little team.
Do you even need me?"
But by six weeks in, it didn't matter so much.
By three months, we were very much co-parenting.
Six months, he became completely obsessed with me,
and I was the only person he wanted to sit next to him
at all meal times,
and has ever since.
So I've not eaten in peace for six months now.
I say like it's so annoying, but I love it.
But also would kind of like to eat a warm meal.
It's totally understandable
to have lots of emotions going into becoming a new parent,
but being a parent is about so much more
than whether or not you've given birth to this baby,
or whether or not you provided DNA for this baby.
The love that a child has for their parent
is about who is actually there for them,
who reads them the bedtime stories and tucks them in,
who makes you feel better
when you fall over and scrape your knee,
who teaches you about the world,
and gives you great cuddles,
and who shows up,
and most of all, it's just about love.
That's what families are made of.
I think as LGBTQ+ people,
we can often have kind of rocky relationships
with our own biological family,
and then have amazing found families and communities
that we have built,
who we're generally not biologically related to,
but then when it comes to starting our own families,
it can sometimes bring up a little bit of that trauma,
and of that upset, and the weird feelings,
and I...
There's a lot of the whoo, whoo, whoo.
It's mushy feelings.
I'm trying to portray mushy feelings.
I don't know, the anxiety.
We built those amazing found families.
We built those fabulous groups of friends,
and chosen people that we've put together,
and we can do the same for our little one.
It doesn't matter who in their life gave DNA,
or who birthed them,
it's just about who is there to love them,
and that's a really beautiful and wonderful thing.
A big thank you for watching this video.
I really hope that you've enjoyed it.
If you have any other tips that you would like to include
please drop them in the comments down below.
A really big thank you to KiwiCo for being today's sponsor.
I love their boxes, and Rupert does too.
If you'd like to get your own,
then click the link down in the description,
just go to kiwico.com/JESSICA50
for 50% off your first box.
Also makes a really good gift.
I'll be back on Tuesday with part two of this video,
a Q&A about being a non-biological mother.
Thank you so much for giving me your questions on Instagram,
remember to follow me over there, @jessicaoutofthecloset,
and at jessieandclaud,
which is our little family account,
to keep up to date with us,
and don't miss out when I'm asking for questions.
See you then, bye-bye.
Mwah.
(bright music)