Tonight, we are going on a weird, wild journey together, because due to the increasing threat
of the coronavirus, we wanted to do the responsible thing and not have an audience.
Okay, we have some people, but they work for us, and they're sitting six feet apart as
recommended by the CDC. And also because they hate each other.
We considered using a laugh track tonight, but unfortunately the only sound cues we had
on hand were the woos from Saved By the Bell when Zach Morris kissed Kelly Kapowski.
We won't have audience laughter, but we might have my laughter
because my writers have added some jokes that I haven't seen before.
Starting now. I'm Samantha Bee and I am responsible for
twenty unsolved murders along the Florida panhandle—
Goddamnit, guys. I told you that in confidence.
Okay fine, the world is ending, but let's pretend we're still gonna have an
actual election in November. Who [BLEEP] knows! Last night, six states voted in the Democratic
primary. It was a big night for Joe Biden, and a weird night for CNN.
Bernie Sanders… Not not not happening right now. Joe Biden
Joe Biden is the winner of the Mississippi primary. Joe Biden carries Mississippi. There
we have it right. Ah. Right there. You can see it. Maybe you can't see it.
Just [BLEEP] make a decision, Deep State!
Looks like the crew from CNN is already working from home. And I don't blame them.
With more than 100,000 cases of coronavirus worldwide,
many leaders are taking extreme but necessary precautions.
Schools in China have been closed for over a month, Italy is on lockdown, and the governor
of New York has ordered a containment zone in Westchester county,
where the state national guard is being deployed to clean schools and deliver food.
It sounds scary, but also like the opening scene of a very topical porn.
It's where I get all my news.
Meanwhile, our president is bravely... denying anything is wrong.
No, I'm not concerned at all. No, I'm not. We've done a great job with it.
We're prepared and we're doing a great job with it.
It will go away. Just stay calm, it will go away.
Be calm. It's really working out and a lot of good things are gonna happen.
Anybody that needs a test gets a test. They're there. They have the tests. And the tests are beautiful.
Rest assured, America: these tests are so hot, you'll wanna get them pregnant.
That's not true. I wish I could knock up a test right now.
But there aren't any. To date, the U.S. has tested fewer than 5,000
people for COVID-19, which is far behind other developed countries.
The White House is completely mishandling this very real, very scary pandemic.
Last week, the White House overturned the CDC's recommendation for seniors to avoid
taking flights—a recommendation that would have benefited a lot of senior citizens, except
for my dad, who was this close to making it into the mile high club. You'll get there
one day, Pops. You're my hero. But at least conservatives are...
Oh my god. My dad's gonna die.
But at least conservatives are following the president's terrifying spread of misinformation.
And it is this virus which is caused by the
Chinese, this Wuhan virus. The Chinese coronavirus really is Chinese.
China did this to the world. The most encouraging thing is happening out
of China who started this whole thing. Yeah, exactly.
The whole thing’s to show that their measures at containing it have actually worked.
Even though they started it and have yet to apologize.
China, we know it's not your bad, but could you please send Brian Kilmeade an Edible Arrangement
so he'll shut the [BLEEP] up?
Tying coronavirus to China and Chinese people
isn't just a racist dog whistle. It's a whole racist orchestra.
It's a mighty mighty racist bosstone. Which brings me to this important point:
the coronavirus is not an excuse to be racist! I know, I know.
Racism is like America's weighted blanket. When everything is stressful, nothing makes
us feel more secure than treating other people like trash.
At Columbia University, some dillhole wrote on a blackboard that the library was a
"Wuhan virus isolation area."
In Utah, the Shen Yun dance troupe was the
victim of a rumor claiming they were carrying the virus.
That's obviously not true.
But if they were, they would carry it beautifully.
Good woo!
And at a Washington Costco, a worker handing
out free samples told an eight-year-old boy wearing a mask to get away from her because
she thought he'd give her the coronavirus. Are you kidding me?
That tray of room-temperature ham samples probably already has every other disease imaginable
after sitting there getting groped by customers all day.
If anything, a little coronavirus might kill the listeria.
Oh right, we also have the sound cue from growing pains when Boner's parents kicked
him out of the house.
Guys, that sucks. Boner died.
Sorry. I'm not even laughing.
Across the country, fear of the disease is taking a toll on Asian American-owned businesses.
How has coronavirus impacted your business? Tremendous.
Lam says he's lost 1.5 million dollars and business is down around 50%.
What do you think the reason is?
The coronavirus, which is a scare to get infected by Chinese people.
Holy shit. That is so stupid.
Avoiding Chinese restaurants because you think every Chinese person has coronavirus?
That's like not going to Ikea because you think all Swedish people want to burn you
alive in a bear suit.
Which they do.
The media's use of stereotype-enforcing images
can be just as damaging. Major news outlets have repeatedly misused
photos of Asian faces in masks to illustrate stories about coronavirus, regardless of who
or what the story is about. That's lazy.
Especially because if they dug a little deeper they'd see that there are dozens of photos
of me on Getty wearing face masks that they could be using.
I don't wear them because they're effective. I wear them because I like to try on new chins.
Across the country, Asian Americans have been the victims of racist attacks.
In Los Angeles county, a sixteen-year-old boy was beaten up so badly at school, he had
to go to the hospital.
In New York, a subway rider verbally harassed
and sprayed Febreze on a man he believed to be Asian.
What the [BLEEP]? The only person you should be afraid of in
that situation is the guy who keeps Febreze on him at all times.
Whatever that Febreze is usually for, it is very bad.
Businesses are also using fears of coronavirus to deny service to Asian customers.
This week in Plymouth, Indiana, this person at this Super 8 denied a room to the two Hmong
men filming this video.
If you're from China, I need to know.
Because of the coronavirus going around. And anyone from China, I am told, has to be picked
up and quarantined for two weeks. Wyndham hotels, who franchises Super 8, said
they're deeply troubled, and there's no corporate policy denying rooms to guests who are Chinese.
No one should feel scared to stay there because they're Asian.
They should feel scared to stay there because they will probably be eaten out the ass by bed bugs.
These aren't rare, isolated incidents.
They're ubiquitous, dangerous, and so pervasive, they've prompted a CDC official to warn that
being Asian is not a risk factor for coronavirus. Unfortunately, the CDC then had to declare
that being Asian is a risk factor for getting assaulted by racists.
COVID-19 is scary, and it's made even scarier because our government is mishandling this
crisis and conservative media is using Asian people as scapegoats.
The Trump administration is not going to save us.
We have to take care of each other.
It's not okay to mistreat people out of fear
and panic. Especially when we're doing so many other
stupid things out of fear and panic.
I have spent the last week stockpiling beans
and making my own hand sanitizer out of bleach and lube.
Asterisk asterisk. Do not do that.