Many women ask me this question, “I've been dating a guy.
We went on a couple of dates together.
I really like him.
I think he's a good one but he's initiating physical with me and I don't feel comfortable
yet sleeping with him.
But I don't know how to shut him down or say no to him without hurting his feelings or
scaring him away.
Because I want to be in a relationship before I open myself up and have sex with him.
What do I do?
How do I communicate to this guy so he understands my values without scaring him away and without
killing the energy but still allowing it to grow?”
Well in this video, I'm going to talk about a way that you can do that.
I’m going to give you an actual couple sentences that you can use, that if they're true to
you, they will actually help the guy feel challenged in a good way to get closer to
you.
And for both of you to have an aligned vision that you can both be working towards where
you can end up in the relationship.
He can end up getting close to you and he can end up in a fulfilling relationship with
you as well.
So, the traditional dynamic is this one where as a guy is getting close to a woman and he
is wanting to connect deeper with her, many times the most available way to a traditional
man in our society – the most available way for a man to do, that is culturally acceptable
and is one that's appropriate for masculinity, is physical intimacy.
It is for him to be the initiator, kiss you, move things for physically and have sex with
you.
And it is one very easy and way that is applauded by other men: for men to experience what they
really want experience which is intimacy and connection.
So many times, though unfortunately, because men have this myopic way of being able to
socially connect with women that's acceptable, women feel like they get back into a corner.
Where they're saying, “Well I don't feel comfortable opening up to you.
My values are – I need to feel safe in order to let you in completely and that has to happen
within a relationship that's committed.”
Now this can be communicated in a number of ways.
Sometimes the woman might be offended and think that the guy is just after her body
so she might draw really firm boundaries and say, “You know, I'm not that type of woman,”
“Who do you think I am?” or, it might just be like “I feel like I need to be in
a relationship.
You have to be my boyfriend before I open myself up to you.”
And the problem with this dynamic – where this dynamic begins to fall apart is the woman
then is saying, “Okay you want sex with me and I want commitment from you so I will
give you my body and I will give you sex if you give me the safety and the commitment
that I'm looking for.”
And that makes sense.
And the guy thinks, “Okay so you want commitment I’ll give you the commitment;” which is
actually an illusion of safety.
This is where the dynamic falls apart.
It's an illusion of safety because the guy can simply say, “Okay well yeah.
I guess I'll be your boyfriend.”
And I know tons of men that have done this because they are feeling pressured into stepping
into relationship because they really want to connect with a woman physically.
But it's not an authentic stepping into committing to her, it's one where he is bartering.
He's like, “Okay I'm gonna trade commitment for this sex that I want.”
And then on the other side of that when the commitment is made in the sex is happening
the guys thinks but you know I really don't want to be in a relationship with this woman
because there's something missing.
And that something missing is what I want to talk about in this video.
And it's what I want to invite you to begin to focus on in the beginning stages of relationships
with men.
What I'm talking about is connection.
The guy is actually not feeling connected to you on the other side of sex still.
He's not feeling like he really got to know you enough.
He's not feeling like the commitment that he perhaps has declared is actually holding
anything of real value within it.
It's not containing anything that has actually had time to build so if we if we look at this,
we know that men are wanting connection.
Most men are one connection – most healthy men that are looking for are a woman in their
life.
And by the way I made a video called, What e86% Guys Want, where I did a whole survey
on this.
And most men are looking for a long-term partner.
Most men are looking for a connection, the way that is socially acceptable though is
to find it through sex, is to begin to find three steps that's like the first couple steps
for a guy in our society.
And a woman wants connection as well but she believes – a woman believes that the connection
is going to happen through the safety of this commitment.
But I believe that if we reverse that dynamic and we made a connection be the centerpiece
the piece that both sexes focus on first is building a connection, a strong connection,
then it's worthy of protecting it with the declaration of a commitment.
Because imagine the relationship you have with guy: you guys are planting seeds.
Planting seeds and you're beginning to blossom beautiful flowers together and once you're
able to do that then it's worthy of building a fence around it to protect it.
But if you're just building a fence first and the soil hasn't been tilled and the seeds
have been planted, the commitment just seems like a restriction.
It seems like something that is made out of fear rather than made as an offering or a
marriage to protect.
Something that is worthy of protecting.
[With] that said, how would a woman communicate this to a guy?
So, the guy is initiating, he's advancing sexually with you, what would you say?
How would you be able to turn him down and maybe deflect his masculine energy?
And see it as really a step forward that he wants you in some ways now maybe he doesn't
know whether he wants a full relationship with you but he desires you and I think that's
a positive.
So rather than stifle that and smash it down and reject the guy where he ends up running
away which happens so much, I see that happens so much, unintentionally.
How can we gently deflect the energy in challenge the guy to want to step up and build what
truly matters which is the connection?
Well instead of saying something like, “I don't sleep with men until I'm in a committed
relationship.”
It could be like, “I love the fact that you want me so much and I’m really turned
on.
But I don't feel comfortable enough opening up to you yet completely and what I really
want – is a requirement for me is I really want to feel deeply connected to you before
we take this next step.”
“I want to feel deeply connected to you before we take this next step.”
Now look you're not asking the guy – you're not giving the guy the chance to give you
some false commitment with that, right?
You're not saying, “The way out of this is to just say that you're my boyfriend and
then suddenly I’ll sleep with you.”
It's to say, “no let's actually work on something together and let's build something.
I want to perhaps see you more often.
I want to get to know you more before I feel comfortable enough having sex.”
And what this does then is it challenges the guy to – and it alliance the guy to really
begin to see what really matters in this interaction; which is he now sees a path to building intimacy
with you.
He sees that if he wants to get close to you in every way that he wants to get close to
you, there is an investment that he's going to need to make in terms of time, in terms
of presence, in terms of the way that he relates to you, in terms of how he listens to you.
And once he starts to get invested in and you will begin to feel a real sense of safety
as the two of you connect and really get to know each other rather than this false sense
of safety by possibly demanding a commitment and putting the commitment in front of the
connection.
Rather put the connection in front of the commitment and allow the commitment to arise
naturally.
And this dynamic – this is alive, this theory, this consciousness way of positioning yourself,
this stance within a relationship holds true all the way to in getting a guy to commit
to you fully in terms of marriage.
As well as there is this relaxedness and it's not about strategy necessarily.
It's not about having the right words.
It's about what are you focused on within the relationship that actually makes it grow
and makes it worth protecting and makes it something precious and sacred that both of
you want to continue to foster and nourish?
So, that's my two thoughts on how to draw boundaries with a guy that respect yourself
and allow you to hold true to your values and challenge him to step up and be a better
man.
If you've got any questions, if you disagree with anything I said, post in the comments
below.
I'd love to hear it.
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Thanks.