Our resident attorney is back. He knows exactly how to get custody of a child.
One of the most popular topics really Sid, we've taken it on before. Child
custody. What a difficult position to be in if you're wondering how to get
custody. You've got some experience. Folks, for those of you who aren't
familiar with Sid yet, he is an attorney who works in the area of child custody
and family law frequently. And so, you've got some background and experience with
this. Help us out Sid. How do you get custody of a child? -Alright. I wouldn't
to first start with a story and this is about my first big win. Well, I won
custody for the client of mine. This was a neighbor client of mine. I was a young
inexperienced attorney. I wasn't experienced especially in the
business side of things and so I didn't make any money on this case. But there
were four children at stake. And my client was very worried about losing the
children because what she was up against was her ex-husband and her ex-husband's
father. Her ex-husband's father someone she used to work for at the University
where she studied. Her ex-husband's father was actually a psychology
professor at that University. And so she was very worried that he would be able
to say a whole bunch of damaging things to ruin her testimony to undermine
her and to support his own son. Well, we went through the battle and it was a
battle. It was five days of trial and was scheduled for 2 days of trial. We did
have a couple of expert witnesses. There were some shenanigans that were played. I
mean I think each side did some things. For example, I think somebody signed up
the husband for a pornography magazine to make him look bad. And of course, he
assumed that it was my client that did that and so there was a handwriting
expert that came... Then it got really nasty. -This is typical. -This is
typical. -Unfortunately. -When people look at
custody battle as war, this is very typical. -What can I do
to defame or discredit or make that person look terrible? -Exactly. And at the
end, one of the things the judge said which was so relieving to me was that
the judge actually said, "You know, if I believed everything that Professor
father had told us then this person must have been Jesus." Because he was
absolutely perfect. And I don't believe that and I also don't believe he's a
horrible person. And I don't believe mom's a horrible person or that she's
the best person who ever lived. But he went by the mostly the legal factors. And
unfortunately and this is the other thing the judge said. This is sort of
what got hit me in the heart. He said, "Neither if these parents really seemed
to be focusing on the best interest of the children." That's what the law is
focusing on. -Right. -So, I have three bullet points that I want to talk about when
you're thinking about gaining custody or winning custody. And maybe gaining and
winning is a good twist. I think when we think win, we think win-lose. And maybe
that gets us into the mindset of war. And I think war is not good for the process.
And I'll tell another story at the end but I just want to prime it up by saying,
war results in casualties. And the casualties of war in the custody battle
are often the children. -Unfortunately Sid, you know this as well as I do. The
court is a terrible place to solve any problems. But it's what we've got. -Yeah, it's
what we've got. -When there's a divorce. -And luckily the law, at least in Utah and
I believe in several other states does require mediation. And mediation is a
place to go where it's not war where people can put their ideas on the table
in a confidential manner and see if they can work something out that the law
might not worked out. -Sid, you and I did another
video a while back about mediation. -Yes -You can find it here on the channel.
Learn more about them. -And that's a really good way to go. So, the first
bullet point here is to focus on yourself rather than focus on the other
side. Everyone's worrying about what can I say bad about the other person? What
can I prove to the court is so horrible about the other side? Well, here's what
happens and you can correct me if I'm wrong here. But what if I keep rolling
around in my mind about what's wrong with the other person, I'll stop seeing
any good in the other person and I'll believe and exaggerate the things that I
think bad. -Yeah. -And guess what? I don't think it's humanly possible not
to let that leak into the psyches of the children.
-Children are going to pick up on it. -Even if you're the best actor or
actress in the world, they're going to pick up on it. -Yeah. -I've actually said... I'm
glad you brought that up because I have coached and counseled some of my clients
to go beyond what they're saying. They say, "Well, I never talked bad about the
other in front of the kids." -Of course. -I'm like, "We'll give you a medal. Thank you
for that." -Right. -Can we take it to a different
level? Here's the challenge. Don't think badly about the other parent. Now, that's a
challenge. -That's a challenge. And also, you and I both know body language is
even more powerful a lot of times in word language. I've heard that 70, 80, 90
percent. I've heard different experts say it differently. The kids know. And in this
day of online and media and social media and such, when you say something to
someone, you even if your kids don't have access to your account,
maybe whoever you're sending your information to and you're mean things
about the other side to, maybe they have kids who can read it and then tell your
kids about it. -You're putting it in a public domain. -Yep, you're
putting it in a public domain and it's out there. The second thing is also the
first thing. So there are really 2 first bullet points. The second one is
focus on the best interest of the children. Just like that judgment in that.
In that case that I had in the beginning, think about what you want for
your children in the future. And here's my another story comes in.
I am a photographer by hobby. I just I inherited a camera from my brother one
day and I just have a good eye for it and so one of my favorite things to do
is take pictures of weddings. One time I was taking a picture at a church and
everyone had been inside the church for the actual wedding. But the pictures
afterwards you know, I... The photographer. I'd like to be in
charge. And photographer beyond charge. So, I had everybody gather. So the whole
party was there and then we did the groom side. And the groom was my friend.
And so, I knew his family really well then. They don't got to the bride side. I wanted
her mom and dad. And they were they had been divorced and so they each had their
own spouses and such. And then I found something out. Mom and dad could not be
in the same picture. So... -Oh! -Right. So, the bride had to have 2 sets of pictures
with her parents. One with her dad side and one with her mom side. And I thought,
"Really? We've all just been into church together." In fact, it was a temple which
is even more sacred for their particular church. And yet they could not be in the
same picture. What is that teaching the kids? Long story short... -Yeah. -In the future,
these kids that whose wedding I was photography or photographing, they ended
up getting divorced. And they both had parents that had really questionable
marriages and and really questionable examples. And Wow,
think of what you want in the future. Do you want war to perpetuate from
generation to generation or do you want, "Hey, we can work this out to perpetuate
from generation to generation." I think that is the best, best thing. -Wow.
Sid, um, I have seen this damaged generation. -Yes. Absolutely. -And you and I
are both old enough now to know that there are generations after the ones
that we work with. -Exactly. -As you shared this story, I'm thinking of the impact
that it has on the kids. -Exactly. And why can't those parents be in the same
picture together? Because of their own issues. -Right. -And they're not focused on
the kids. What would be best for those kids? -And think about success. I don't
know if it... I get training all the time. I'm involved
with child welfare, I get involved in parental custody and things like that.
They've defined success for children as graduating from high school, living above
the poverty level, not getting into legal trouble and also staying out of
psychological trouble and needing to you know, things like suicidal ideation and
things like that. That if a child is able to not go through those things or I mean
to graduate and to live above poverty level and then not be involved in
jail and psychological, deep psychological issues, that's considered
success. Is what you're doing going to contribute to that, sometimes the custody
battle ruins kids education. They don't want to go to school. Kids respond and
kids respond to the vitriol that they see in their parents. So again, the first
one, focus on yourself and focus on your children. So those are 2 in 1. And
1 and 2. -Okay. -So those are... The third one, you've got to do it right. And
be thorough. -Meaning? -And well, here's what I'm meaning by that. You get what you pay
for. If you're going to go through a custody battle without an attorney, you're going to
be in trouble. And the other side has an attorney. You need to understand what the
law is and what really matters to be presented to the court. One more story.
This is a quick story. I one time was in a custody battle and my client was
sitting right next to me and the other side went first. It was the husband and
his attorney got up and said such mean and awful rotten things about my client.
And silly things on my client. Was like and she was writing down how I could
respond. And and then I got up and I told the judge what I thought he needed to
know for my client to get custody. Guess what? We won. My client didn't catch that.
What she caught was, I wasn't saying all the mean things about in the other side.
-Fight. -I wasn't engaging in the fight and I wasn't defending her. So she actually... I
went out to lunch after the hearing was over. Knowing that we had won and
everything was fine and the judge pronounced that she was going to be the
custodial parent. But she meanwhile went to my office and demanded her file and
wanted to hire another attorney to appeal what had just happened. And then
when... -She won the case. -She won. And so when I got back from lunch, she came back
and saw me. And said, "Sid, I'm so sorry. My husband called me and my ex-husband to
be called me and told me all the stuff with the kids so he could
give it to me because since I won custody. I didn't realize the... How
come you didn't tell me?" Because she was engaging in a war. She missed it. Because
she's engaged in the war. So, but the point is though, it's important to get it
right. What you do say. The judges hear the vitriol all the time. That doesn't...
That's not... -They're not interested. -Well, they're interest it in is what's in the
best interest of the children of which parent is going to best provide. And
here's the best, best thing, cooperation. If the judge hears, "I'm going to cooperate.
I'm going to do everything I can to make sure the kids have a relationship with
the other parent." That's a really good thing. And it's demonstrable. If I come to
court and my client has not allowed visitation, things like that. That's not
going to look good for him or her. It's just not. And if she's been very open and, "Oh,
I'm making sure that dad's seeing the kids or he has the opportunity to." Now,
another thing that just you get into on the side here. Don't get into making the
other parent visit or making the other parent do what is the right thing. -That's
a recipe for frustration. -Yeah that's the recipe for frustration. And it's not
your business. Your business is what you do. And... -Yeah. -I've heard so many people, "Oh,
well Sid, I do want him to have a lot of visits. But he won't do it. He just
won't come. He'll... You know, make promises." I say, "Well, that's not up to you.
Just give him the opportunity." -Don't get in the way. -Just don't get in the
way. -Right. -Make sure you're accommodating. So those are the three biggest bullet
points for how to win. And I just want to end with this situation that I started
with. We won custody after a 5-day trial. 3 years later, I ran into this
client of mine and she had hired a different attorney this time because she
was sort of embarrassed. They were going through it again. This time, she mortgaged
her house. And this time, one of the 4 children, the oldest boy ended up going
with dad. And then I ran into her about 10 years later and they were going
through it again. And then... And this is the saddest part. About 5 years ago,
I've been an attorney for almost 28 years now. About 5 years ago, a young man
comes into my office and he has just gotten married about 6 months before.
And his marriage is just not working out. And he starts talking to me and all this
stuff. And one of the questions I always ask us, "Well, how did you find my name?" "Oh,
you... You won custody of me from my mom. So, I'm going to have you be my attorney." I was
so sad because it was perpetuating from generation to generation. And what he had
grown up with was a custody battle over and over again between his parents. And
this is the child of that divorce. -Wow. -So, think about the future. That is so
important. Think about what's really in the best interest of the children. And
it's the best interest of the children for you to be your best. -Yes. -And not to
be at war. If you want war, you'll get war. And you'll perpetuate war and we'll
teach our children war. If you want peace, if you want we can work this out, don't
get me wrong. There are people who will just not work it out, I get that. I get
that there... I have clients that are cooperative and their other side is just
never going to be cooperative and it's always going to be somewhat of a battle.
Makes us attorneys lots of money because we keep going to court to court over
again over stupid stuff. "Oh yeah, it's my turn to have the
children. Oh no, it's my turn that go on vacation at this time. No, it's my holiday.
It's my..." -Fight and fight. Fight, fight. Or we can learn to cooperate and create
mechanisms right in the beginning of the divorce during the process. People
sometimes turn out to be better friends after they're divorced. Because they have
common... A common goal which is to be good for the kids and provide a great
place. So, that's what I want to say today and I hope that that's been helpful.
-I hope you found that useful. Sid has got some amazing experience. If you want to
connect to him, go to liveonpurpose.coach. Scroll down and you'll see him.