-Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, today, President Trump took a break
from his busy schedule of retweeting Randy Quaid
and carried out the presidential tradition of pardoning a turkey.
Here's the big moment between Trump and a turkey named Corn.
-Corn, I hereby grant you a full pardon.
Thank you, Corn.
-Yeah. That's right. The bird needed to be pardoned
after it was let down by its bumbling lawyer,
Rooster Giuliani.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Yeah, the good news is, the turkey was pardoned.
The bad news is, Trump didn't wear a mask,
so he's a goner anyway.
But I hope everyone else wore a mask,
'cause it's gotta be embarrassing
if your contact tracing leads back to a turkey pardon.
[ Laughter ]
I saw that people could go online
and vote for the turkey they wanted pardoned, Corn or Cob.
Meanwhile, it turns out Corn might've won
'cause the vote was rigged by Hugo Chavez.
[ Laughter ]
But this is nice. I heard that before the ceremony,
Corn and Cob stayed at the Willard Hotel.
Take a look at this.
Yeah. As if the hotel industry wasn't going through enough
during COVID, now they got to deal with this --
two turkeys in a suite.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, while you've been stuck in your studio apartment
for nine months,
Corn and Cob have been demolishing the mini bar
and renting movies at the Willard Hotel.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, the turkeys have been staying at the hotel,
although it was sad when they saw a feather pillow
and yelled, "Look what they did to Steve."
[ Laughter ]
Some more news about the president.
I heard that he's planning to move to Florida,
and a certain group people are being asked
if they might want to go with him. Watch this.
-Members of the president's Secret Service detail
have gotten an offer from the Secret Service headquarters
asking if they would like to be permanently moved to Mar-A-Lago
with the soon-to-be ex-president Donald Trump.
-Yep. When Trump asked who wants to go to Florida with him,
the agents broke the Guinness World Record
for the longest silence in history.
[ Laughter ]
Seriously, imagine going from protecting the White House
to "The omelet bar is secure."
Repeat, the omelet bar is secure."
Meanwhile, down at Mar-A-Lago, I read that they're already
renovating Trump and Melania's living quarters.
This is nice. To make Trump feel better,
they're redoing every room to look like the White House.
[ Laughter ]
Trump's actually getting the work done at a good price
'cause they're going to grab all the unused lumber
from the border wall.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
So congrats to the Trumps
and whichever bank repossesses that property.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, this is a big story. President-Elect Biden
has started naming key members of his cabinet. Check it out.
-President-Elect Joe Biden beginning to build out
his cabinet with a diverse group
including Janet Yellen for Treasury Secretary
and former Secretary of State John Kerry
to serve as a special envoy on the climate crisis.
-Yeah, Janet Yellen and John Kerry.
Whoa, baby, get pumped!
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, when I saw those people,
I was like, "Wait, none of them have been on a game show?"
[ Laughter ]
Looking at Biden's cabinet versus Trump's
is basically like comparing the White House to "Animal House."
Listen to this. Joe Biden announced his picks
for his presidential cabinet this week.
And this is cool. We actually got our hands
on the voicemails Biden left for his cabinet members
telling them the good news.
This first one is for his Secretary of State,
Antony Blinken. Take a listen.
[ Beep ]
-What's up, Skip? Just calling to let ya know
you're gonna be my Secretary of State.
Hey, remember the days when you could marry the secretary?
You'd go, "Hey, missy. I have an appointment to see the boss man,
but now I'm wondering if I could take you
to the egg cream stand."
[ Click ]
[ Laughter ]
-This next voicemail is for Secretary of Homeland Security,
Alejandro Mayorkas.
[ Beep ] -Hey, Alejandro.
I need you to keep our country safe from the bad guys,
like teenyboppers who smash your mailbox with a bat
from the backseat of a Winnebago,
or Polish guys at the YMCA who slap your back
when you're wearing a wet T-shirt.
[ Click ]
[ Laughter ]
-And finally, this voicemail is for the new Treasury Secretary,
Janet Yellen.
[ Beep ] -God, how many of these
do I have left? Oh, I'm on.
Janet Yellen?
You'd be responsible for deciding which money is best.
I'm partial to the nickel
'cause it's given us so many classic games --
Roll the Nickel Down the Hill. Hop Over the Nickel.
Tease the Nickel. Taste the Nickel.
-This mailbox is now full.
Goodbye. -Yeah, that's --
[ Applause ]
Hop Over the Nickel, that was one of my favorite games.
Some TV news. I saw that "The Queen's Gambit"
just became the most-watched scripted limited series
on Netflix.
It's amazing. All it took
was closing every bar, gym, and restaurant in America
to get people to care about chess.
[ Laughter and applause ]
And thanks to "The Queen's Gambit,"
sales of chess sets are way up.
Right now, elves in Santa's workshop are like,
"Is this some kind of joke?
What's -- Chess sets?"
The most popular games are puzzles and chess,
so get ready for the hottest Christmas of 1927.
[ Laughter ]
It'll be weird when kids are like, "Is it a chess set?
Oh, it's just a PS5."
[ Laughter ]
"Thanks, Santa."
It reminds me of when "The Great British Baking Show"
debuted on Netflix,
and sales of type 2 diabetes medication skyrocketed.
Reminds me of that.
Get this. I heard that a lot of Peloton customers are upset
because their orders have been delayed for months.
Yep. Right now, customers are like,
"How am I supposed to regret buying this thing
if it never comes?"
[ Laughter ]
You can tell Peloton is getting desperate.
Today they mailed people a Schwinn
with a 9-inch TV duct-taped to it.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, guys, the news can sometimes be pretty heavy.
So I thought I'd take a second to focus, in a poetic way,
on some of the news stories that you might have missed
that are a bit lighter.
You'll see what I mean. It's time for "In Lighter News."
-♪ In Lighter News ♪
[ applause ]
-Roses are red, violets are symmetric.
15 Philadelphia mobsters indicted
including Tony Meatballs and Joey Electric.
[ Laughter ]
Roses are red, violets are plants.
Brawl at Colorado In-N-Out ends with customer losing his pants.
[ Applause ]
Roses are red, violets have grace.
Martial artist removes 68 bottle caps in 1 minute using his face.
[ Applause ]
Roses are red, violets are glum.
Fed-up driver makes his son stand in 6-foot pothole
to prove how huge it's become.
[ Applause ]
And finally, roses are red, violets are daft.
Two pilots under investigation
for drawing gigantic penis with aircraft.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-♪ In Lighter News ♪
And finally, here's some news from overseas.
Queen Elizabeth just launched her own brand of gin.
Yeah, I'm excited about this,
'cause I think we're a month away
from the queen launching her own line of vape pens.
Guys, last night after our show,
we all went down, me and The Roots,
or The Roots and I went down to --
Me and The Roots, right?
Went down to Macy's to rehearse our performance
in the Thanksgiving Day Parade.
-Yeah. -Yeah, it really fun.
Obviously socially distant, safe and all of that.
But we didn't know if we're going to do a parade this year
or not or anything. We actually didn't know.
But then we got the call from NBC.
They were like, "Hey, would you like to be part of it?"
And how do you say no to that?
So we were like, "Yeah, let's do it.
We got to show up."
So I was like, "Are we going to be on a float?"
'Cause usually we're on a muffin or something.
-[ Laughs ] Right.
-We've been on guitar.
-Guitar. -Yeah.
-A muffin.
-"Sesame Street."
-Yeah, what was the "Sesame Street"?
-Oh, yeah, "Sesame Street."
We were in, like, a house with those guys.
-Yeah. -Weren't we on a train before?
-I think the first year we were on a train.
-Yeah. -Yeah, we're on a train.
But so anyways, I said, "What float?"
They said, "No float." -Aw.
-You guys are dancing in the street.
I go, "Alright, cool. I gotcha."
So we're going to be out there on the street doing it up.
It's going to be fun. It's all going down Thanksgiving morning.
We -- I asked around. I found out how they're doing --
They're doing some of the balloons, I think.
I think they're just going around Macy's,
in and out of the revolving door.
-With the balloon. -With the giant balloon, yeah.
They're just shoving it through. They go, "What is that?"
And they go, "Just trust me, it's Snoopy.
[ Laughter ]
Just trust -- We couldn't blow it up.
But trust me, that's Snoopy and that's --" Yeah.
But, no, they have some cool ideas.
They are going to do something different.
It's just -- It's exciting
'cause you can't -- You can't not do the parade.
You got do the parade. -Yeah.
-Yeah. So it's going down, and we'll be there.
They have all sorts of fun performances.
I heard -- "Hamilton," I heard.
I heard "Mean Girls."
-Got to have your Rockettes.
-I think that's what going to, like...
[ Irish accent ] ...bring a tear to me eye,
is what they say.
You know, it brings out the Irish brogue."
-Yeah, man. -You know?
-And it bring -- -Mine, too.
-Yeah. And what -- What happens --
What happens when your Irish voice comes out?
What does it sound like there? -I start to sound like Popeye.
I go, "Oh, ga, ga, ga, ga."
-Oh, yeah. Yeah. [ Laughter ]
He will not there this year, Popeye.
-Right. -No, no, no.
They'll wheel him out through the revolving door.
[ Normal voice ] They go, "That's Popeye. Trust me."
But that's all going down.
It was so exciting to see everybody.
Yeah, hopefully the Rockettes.
That's going to be the one that's going to be cool.
But obviously hosted by Savannah,
I'm assuming Al, and Hoda.
But anyways, the Thanksgiving Day Parade
is just so special to us. And it's going to happen.
Rain or shine, we're going to be there.
We got to be there for you guys.
[ Cheers and applause ] So keep your TVs on NBC,
because Thanksgiving show -- our Thanksgiving show --
We're doing a brand-new show for you guys.
It's giant that night. So after the big game,
we have Jerry Seinfeld on our show!
[ Cheers and applause ]
And we have talk and a performance from Bad Bunny!
So come on, set your DVRs, set your TiVos.
Record "The Tonight Show" this Thursday. It's going to be fun.
But first, we have a great show for you tonight.
From "Morning Joe" on MSNBC,
Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski are here!
[ Cheers and applause ]
And Joe wrote the new book "Saving Freedom"
which is out today.
Also, you can see him in the new film "Uncle Frank"
on Amazon Prime Video, Paul Bettany is here.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And we got great music, as we always do, from Internet Money
featuring Gunna, Don Toliver, and Nav.