♪♪♪ >>> IT'S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH
COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE. I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST. >>> PRESIDENT TRUMP THIS WEEK
CELEBRATED A HUGE ACHIEVEMENT AS HE FINALLY STARTED BUILDING A
WALL. UNFORTUNATELY IT'S A WALL
BETWEEN MILLIONS OF AMERICANS AND THEIR HEALTH CARE.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] >>> THE HOUSE VOTED TO REPEAL
AND REPLACE OBAMACARE AND MANY CONGRESSMEN ADMITTED THEY DIDN'T
EVEN READ THE BILL BEFORE VOTING ON IT.
THEY'RE TREATING HEALTH CARE THE WAY I TREAT AN iTUNES AGREEMENT.
[ LAUGHTER ] I'M SURE IT'S FINE, THEN
SUDDENLY I'M DEALING WITH A PREEXISTING CONDITION LIKE THAT
U2 ALBUM THEY FORCE ON OUR PHONES.
[ LAUGHTER ] THE BILL WAS STRONGLY OPPOSED BY
THE NATIONAL HOSPITAL ASSOCIATION AND THE PHYSICIAN'S
ALLIANCE. IT RECEIVED A RARE THUMBS UP
FROM THE GRIM REAPER. >> THIS PICTURE IS THEM
CELEBRATING IS CHILLING. NO MINORITY CAN SEE ALL THESE
OLD WHITE DUDES SMILING AND SAY I THINK IT'S GREAT NEWS FOR US.
THEY LOOK LIKE THEY JUST INVENTED SICKLE CELL.
>>> THE NEW REPUBLICAN HEALTH CARE BILL WOULD ALLOW INSURANCE
COMPANIES TO CHARGE PEOPLE HIGHER PREMIUMS FOR OVER
240 PREEXISTING CONDITIONS. FOR REFERENCE HERE'S WHAT
240 PREEXISTING CONDITIONS LOOK LIKE.
[ LAUGHTER ] >>> INSURANCE COMPANIES EVEN
DEFINED PREGNANCY AS A PREEXISTING CONDITION WHICH
BAFFLES ME BECAUSE I HAVE TRIED TO CONVINCE A WOMAN HER
PREGNANCY WAS PREEXISTING AND IT DOES NOT HOLD UP IN COURT.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] SOME SAY IT AM RAISE PREMIUMS
WITH OLDER AMERICANS AND NOT COVER PREEXISTING CONDITIONS.
IT HAS A PROSTLAGZ REQUIRES CHILDREN'S WHEELCHAIRS TO
EXPLODE. THAT'S NOT TRUE.
ISN'T IT TROUBLING THIS FOR A SECOND YOU THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE?
EVEN THE AARP CRITICIZED THE BILL SAYING THE RUSHED CHANGES
MAKE A BAD BILL EVEN WORSE. THE IT WAS THE AARP'S MOST
SCATHING INDICTMENT SINCE SOUP TOO HOT.
TRUMP EVEN SAID THAT AUSTRALIA HAS BETTER HEALTH CARE THAN US.
WHY DON'T WE DO WHAT THEY DID. IF YOU DON'T HAVE THE ANSWER,
CHEAT OFF THE SMART FOREIGN KID. WHY NOT TAKE WORKING POLICIES.
OUR HEALTH CARE SYSTEM IS AMAZING.
YEAH, YEAH. YOU GOT ANY MORE THAT WAS STUFF?
PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID HE WOULD BE HONORED TO MEET WITH KIM JUNG
UN. WORLD WAR 3 WILL START OVER WHO
GETS THE LAST PORK CHOP. MAYBE MEETING WITH CRAZY
DICTATORS IS A GOOD THING. WE HAVE A PRESIDENT WHO SPEAKS
FLUENT MANIAC. THAT COULD BE HELPFUL.
THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN DEAL WITH MY CRAZY UNCLE JEFF IS MY
CRAZY UNCLE GEORGE. WE CAN ENJOY A PEACEFUL DINNER
WHILE THEY ARE IN THE BATHROOM MEASURING.
WE LOOK AT THE ACHIEVEMENTS OF PRESIDENT TRUMP'S FIRST 100 DAYS
IN OFFICE. LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
I THOUGHT I HAD MORE TIME. TRUMP WILL TAKE HIS FIRST
INTERNATIONAL TRIP AS PRESIDENT VISITING SAUDI ARABIA, ISRAEL
AND THE VATICAN. HE CHOSE THE THREE COUNTRIES
AFTER STEVE BANNON TOLD A JOKE ABOUT A MUSLIM, A JEW, AND A
PRIEST.
HE SAID I GOTTA MEET THESE GUYS.