>> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN RIGHT THERE.
THANK YOU, JON, THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
THAT WAS LOVELY IT'S NO SECRET, IT'S NO SECRET I'VE GOT THE BEST
BAND ON TELEVISION.
BUT TONIGHT, YOU ALL SOUND JUST, LIKE, A LITTLE EXTRA SPECIAL.
WHAT IS THE MAGIC INGREDIENT TONIGHT.
WELL, WE'VE ADDED A LITTLE MAC DeMARCO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: MAC, HI, MAC.
THANKS FOR BEING HERE.
>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR HAVING ME.
GOD BLESS YOU.
>> Stephen: YEAH, WE CUT OFF YOUR MIC, BECAUSE WE LIKE TO
HEAR ME TALK.
MAC'S GOT A NEW ALBUM CALLED "THIS OLD DOG" CAME OUT EARLIER
THIS YEAR.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE, MAC.
NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS A GREAT
BIG MOVIE STAR.
PLEASE WELCOME TOM HANKS!
♪ ♪ ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU.
STEVE, STEVE, YOUR EYESIGHT ALWAYS REQUIRED GRASSES, RIGHT.
>> Stephen: SINCE ABOUT 14 ON.
>> SEE, I'VE COME LATE TO THE GLASS THING.
I'VE HAD SO MANY IN MY POCKET-- READING GLASSES, BY AND LARGE.
>> Stephen: SURE, SURE.
>> BUT I JUST DECIDE, SCREW IT, MAN, I'M JUST GOING TO GO --
>> Stephen: VERY DISTINGUISHED.
>> THANK YOU.
NOT ONLY-- NOT AM I ONLY AN ACTOR, BUT I'M ALSO A
MILD-MANNERED REPORTER FOR A GREAT ME METROPOLITAN NEWSPAPER.
LAUGH.
>> Stephen: TOM, HAPPY HOLIDAYS.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: MERRY CHRISTMAS.
>> MERRY CHRISTMAS.
HAPPY HANUKKAH.
>> Stephen: HAPPY KWANZAA.
ALL THE GOOD STUFF.
>> HAPPY HOLIDAY S.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU GOING TO BE HOME WITH YOUR LOVELY WIFE,
REET AFOR THE HOLIDAYS?
>> YES, WE WILL HAVE OUR TRADITIONAL TRINSLE WAR WHICH WE
ALWAYS HAD.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE TINSEL WAR.
>> HERE'S THE THING, I GREW UP WITH A CHRISTMAS DECORATION
SCHEME BY WAY OF WOOLWORTH'S, THE FIVE AND DIME-- MORE SHINY
OBJECTS ON THE TREE, THE BETTER.
MY WIFE GREW UP IN A HOUSEHOLD WHERE THE KIDS WERE NOT ALLOWED
TO DECORATE THE TREE.
HER MOM DID TWHILE THEY WERE AT SCHOOL.
THEY WOULD COME HOME AND IT WOULD BE ALL DONE.
AND SHE WOULD SAY, "HONEY, YOU WON'T DO IT GOOD, SO I HAVE TO
DO IT."
SO RITA HAS THIS THING ABOUT DECORATING THE TREE.
AND MY THING HAD ALWAYS BEEN TINSEL, OLD-SCHOOL TINSEL.
>> Stephen: THE INDIVIDUAL STRANDS.
>> THE ICICLE STUFF.
BUT REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE KIDS, BEFORE I NEEDED GLASSES, IT WAS
MADE OUT OF LITERALLY A TOXIC SUBSTANCE.
>> Stephen: SURE, SURE
>> IT SHOULD HAVE HAD, "DO NOT USE HANDS TO DECORATE YOUR TREE
WITH THIS."
>> Stephen: IT WAS DEVELOPED AT LOS ALAMOS.
>> YES.
HAD A HALF-LIFE AND IT WAS A CARCINOGEN, YOU COULD GET
DIABETES FROM IT.
( LAUGHTER ) IT GAVE YOU ZITS.
IT WAS REALLY BAD STUFF.
>> Stephen: AND DELICIOUS.
>> AND IT TASTED GOOD.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> TASTED LIKE CHRISTMAS.
YOU KNOW?
IT REALLY DID.
AND I-- I-- WHEN WE ALL-- I ALWAYS PUT TINSEL ON THE TREE,
EVEN THOUGH NOW -- >> Stephen: DO YOU DO STRANDS
OR DO YOU JUSTING CHUCK IT?
>> WELL, NOW, YOU CAN ONLY CHUCK IT BECAUSE IT'S NOT THE SAME
CARCINOGEN IT HAD BEEN.
IT'S NOT THE SAME CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE.
IT'S STRANDS OF MYLAR THAT ARE SUSCEPTIBLE TO STATIC
ELECTRICITY IN THE AIR AND YOU CAN'T GET IT TO DRAPE OVER THE
BRANCHES.
IT'S LIKE A SERIES OF RATS' NESTS THAT COLLECT ON IT.
WE ALWAYS SAY-- THIS YEAR-- WE ALTERNATE THE YEARS.
THERE ARE SOME YEARS THEY-- I-- IS THIS AN ODD-NUMBERED YEAR?
>> Stephen: IT IS, YEAH.
>> I THINK IN EVEN-NUMBERED YEARS-- I CAN'T REMEMBER-- BUT I
GET TINSEL ON THE TREE.
>> Stephen: YES.
>> AND IT'S-- WE NEGOTIATE IT, BUT I HAVE A FEELING WHAT HAS
HAPPENED IS, IS EVERY YEAR, RITA CONVINCES ME THAT LAST YEAR WE
HAD TINSEL ON THE TREE.
( LAUGHTER ) SO WE-- WE DO NOT-- I THINK
WE'RE NOT GOING TO HAVE TINSEL ON THE TREE
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: SHE'S COUNTING ON THIS SLIPPING.
>> AND I AM-- I-- I START FIGHTING, BUT THEN I "HONESTLY,
HONE, I DON'T REMEMBER, OKAY, NO TINSEL ON THE TREE."
>> Stephen: THEN YOU HAVE A HAPPY CHRISTMAS.
DO YOU PUT THE LIGHTS ON YOURSELF.
>> I DIDN'T THIS YEAR.
>> Stephen: DO YOU PUT THEM TOP TO THE BOTTOM OR BOTTOM TO
THE TOP.
>> YOU HAVE TO START FROM THE TOP.
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT I SAY.
MY WIFE SAYS GO BOTTOM TO THE TOP.
>> THAT'S NUTS.
DO YOU HAVE MULTICOLORED LIGHTS OR WHITE LIGHTS.
>> Stephen: MULTICOLORED.
>> OH, INTEREST EXPWRG.
>> Stephen: WHAT!
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
>> I JUST THINK IT CUTS DOWN ON THE-- ON THE-- LOOK, I LIKE THEM
TO FLASH.
DO YOU HAVE THE FLASHING LIGHTS AT LEAST?
>> Stephen: THAT'S INSANE!
FLASHING LIGHTS?
WE'RE NOT LANDING A PLANE.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'RE TRYING TO GET SANTA TO
STOP BY.
I GUESS THAT WOULD BE-- >> IF YOU HAVE MULTICOLORED
LIGHTS THAT YOU'RE NOT REALLY SURE WHAT COLOR THE DECORATIONS
ARE, BLASE BLUE ONE WILL BE RIGHT FIXTURE TO A GOLD BULB,
AND YOU'LL SAY IT'S A GOLD BULB, IT'S A BLUE BULB.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT COLOR IT IS.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU SAYING YOU COORDINATE YOUR LIGHTS AND YOUR
BULBS?
>> ABSOLUTELY, SIR.
>> Stephen: THEY HAVE MEDICINE FOR THAT NOW!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LOOK, IF YOU WANT--
>> IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE BEAUTY OF A SYMMETRICALLY
DESIGNED AND DECORATED CHRISTMAS TREERK GET OFF MY SHOW.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WAIT A SECOND!
>> OH, WAIT A MINUTE.
>> Stephen: SORRY, IT JUST-- YOU HAVE SUCH AUTHORITY.
AND AS WELL YOU SHOULD.
GOLDEN GLOBE NOD YESTERDAY.
GOLDEN GLOBE, CONGRATULATIONS ON THAT.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: AND YOU HAVE THE OSCARS, YOU HAVE THE EMMIES, YOU
HAVE THE GRAMMYS, YOU HAVE THE EVERYTHING.
YOU HAVE MAYBE THE CLASSIEST SOUNDING, THE MOST HIGH-STATUS
AWARD I CAN IMAGINE-- AND YOU ALREADY HAVE THE KENNEDY CENTERS
AWARD, THE RAINBOW SUSPUNDERS.
BUT YOU GOT THIS YESTERDAY-- CAN YOU EXPLAIN?
>> THIS IS-- THIS IS GIVEN OUT BY THE NATIONAL...
>> Stephen: ARCHIVES.
>> ARCHIVES FOUNDATION.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO GAVE IT TO YOU!
>> TO ME IT WAS DINNER WITH KEN BURNS.
THAT WAS DOCUMENTARI DOCUMENTARI BURNS.
WE HAD A GREAT DINNER, BUT THE TRUE GREAT THING ABOUT IT-- IF
YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO WASHINGTON, D.C., YOU MIGHT NOT REALIZE IT,
IF YOU GO TO THE NATIONAL ARCHIVES BUILDING THEY HAVE A
FANTASTIC ARRAY OF ARTIFACTS AND DOCUMENTS THAT YOU REALLY,
REALLY QUITE CAN'T BELIEVE.
INCLUDING THE CONSTITUTION-- NOT THAT.
THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES.
THEY HAVE THE ACTUAL-- LIKE, THIS WAS WRITTEN DOWN INK ON
PARCHMENT, CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES.
>> Stephen: WOW.
>> AND THE MOST IMPORTANT JOB IN OUR NATION, I BELIEVE, IS ONE OF
THE TWO OUT-OF-SHAPE BORED COPS WHO STAND RIGHT NEXT TO THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE THEY STAND THERE ALL
DAY... YOU KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING?
THEY'RE PRESERVING, PROTECTING, AND DEFENDING THE CONSTITUTION
OF THE UNITED STATES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THEY HAVE DONE A HELL OF A JOB!
>> Stephen: WOW.
>> BECAUSE -- >> Stephen: DO YOU GET TO
TOUCH IT OR ANYTHING?
>> IT'S BEHIND GLASS.
YOU CAN LEAN OVER IT.
AND THEY DON'T EVEN ALLOW PHOTOGRAPHS OF IT.
YOU HAVE TO BUY A $60 REPLICA OF THE GIFT SHOP IN ORDER TO KNOW
WHAT YOUR RIGHTS ARE AS AN AMERICAN.
>> StepheWE THE PEOPLE OF THE UNITED STATES IN ORDER TO FORM
A-- >> TO PROVIDE FOR THE COMMON
DEFENSE AND PROMOTE THE GENERAL WELFARE, DO HEREBY-- GUARANTEE
THESE-- ASSURE THESE -- >> Stephen: FOR OURSELVES AND
OUR POSTERITY TO HEREBY ORDAIN AND DECLARE--
>> ESTABLISH AS PRESIDENT-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THAT WAS THE FIRST DRAFT.
THAT WAS THE FIRST DRAFT.
>> WERE YOU READING THE SAME CONSTITUTION THAT I WAS?
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> OR WERE YOU DOWNSTAIRS WITH THE MAGNA CARTA?
YOU TELL ME.
>> Stephen: MY LAT SIN PRETTY GOOD.
>> UNDERSTAND, THIS IS THE ARCHIVE.
THEY HAVE THE RECORDES OF EVERYTHING THAT HAS EVER
HAPPENED IN AMERICA.
AND WHILE I WAS THERE, THEY PULLED THIS OUT FOR ME --
>> Stephen: THIS IS FANTASTIC.
>> THIS ALMOST MADE ME CRY.
>> Stephen: WHO IS THIS GENTLEMAN?
>> YOU KNOW WHO THAT IS?
MY DAD, ON HIS 18th BIRTHDAY 1942.
THAT IS HIMSELF JOINING THE NAVY JUST A FEW MONTHS AFTER PEARL
HARBOR.
HE JOINED THE NAVY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OR AS-- OR AS HE IS KNOWN IN THE
FAMILY AS "OLD 779159."
THAT'S WHAT OUR NICKNAME WAS FOR HIM.
>> Stephen: HE LOOKS EYE GOTTA SAY, HE LOOKS TOUGH.
>> I HAD NO IDEA MY DAD WAS AS BAD-ASS AS HE WAS.
WOULD YOU-- WOULD YOU MESS WITH THAT GUY?
>> Stephen: NO.
>> I DON'T THINK SO.
>> Stephen: THIS IS HOW WE WON THE WAR.
>> THEY SHOULD HAVE JUST PUBLISHED THAT PICTURE IN 1942
AND WE WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO GO TO IWO JIMA.
>> Stephen: HEROIC, HEROIC UNIBROW.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> CAN WE SEE IT UP CLOSE?
CAN WE SEE A SHOT.
>> Stephen: LOOK AT THAT.
>> I GUESS SO.
>> Stephen: I ASSUME YOU PLUCK.
>> ACTUALLY, PEOPLE PLUCK FOR ME.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE TOM HANKS, OF COURSE, YOU ARE.
>> I HAVE A STAFF.
MY CRACK STAFF.
>> Stephen: WELL, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE TOM HANKS.
STICK AROUND.