Graham Norton has what many people would consider their ideal charisma
for two reasons — one, he doesn't need to hog the spotlight in order to shine
and two, he seems to have the ability to make anyone like him.
From rock stars to movie stars to professional athletes people from all walks of life seem to love being around him.
By the way, this is the best time I've ever had on a talk show...
Graham: Aww. Bless you. Matt: ...without a doubt. [Audience applauding]
So today we're going to talk about a four step formula that Graham uses to make people love him even when he teases them
and how you can use it to make yourself both funnier and more well-liked.
The first thing that Graham Norton does with every guest on his show is create a warm positive connection.
Graham uses three main elements very early on to establish this warm friendly vibe between him and his guests.
The first two are smile and touch.
What I like about Graham is that he reads his guests' body language and calibrates his touch based on what he sees.
Check out this clip where he greets Josh Widdicombe with a handshake and Jeremy Renner with a hug.
Graham: Hello, sir. [Audience applauding] Good to see you. Have a seat. Josh: Hello, Graham.
And now people, it's Jeremy Renner! He's so cool.
Hello, sir. How are you doing? [Audience cheering] Jeremy: Thank you.
When we talk about touching, we often get asked, "What if I'm not comfortable hugging?"
I think this handshake is a great example of what to do.
Graham gives a handshake, a pat on the back, and a pat on the shoulder all in the span of just two seconds.
The third element Graham uses to create that warm friendly connection is he complements based on accomplishment.
This will become very important in a minute when we talk about how to tease someone and get them to laugh about it.
Tom Hiddleston, have you had any bad reviews? No.
Uh... [sighs] You make a man feel good, Graham.
Notice how Graham Norton focuses on compliments based around something you've worked hard to achieve.
Remember that the goal of giving a compliment is to make the other person feel good.
Just a couple months ago there were, Wembley Stadium, 90,000 people,
broke sky box office records, showed in 140 countries, world heavyweight champion, beating heavyweight champion beating Wladimir Klitschko
and it's an incredible, incredible achievements. [Audience applauding]
Complimenting your favorite actor generically by saying, "Tom Hiddleston,+ you're awesome,"
isn't going to make him nearly as happy as specifically complimenting him
on the craft he's worked for years to hone.
By using a warm smile, calibrated touch, and compliments based on accomplishment,
Graham creates a very friendly vibe almost instantly.
This is a super important foundation to lay
but if this were all you did, you know a lot of people are fairly lukewarm on you
and not a lot of people clamouring to hang out with you again.
That's where Graham's second step really helps out.
He uses humor and laughter to make the other person feel joy around him.
So much of what drives human action is ultimately just the pursuit of happiness and pleasure.
When we find something that makes us happy, we want more of it.
And two very quick ways to create happiness in someone are to make them laugh and to make them feel like you get them.
Graham is excellent at using a wide range of vocal tonality
and emotional expression to get a laugh even when the words he's saying aren't necessarily funny.
Watch out Will Smith and Toby Jones react to this simple sentence.
What happens there? [Audience laughing]
Here's another quick example. His lines don't seem like much but watch the reaction he gets from the couch.
...we use CGI arrows so then it could fire fast and towards stuff and do things that—
Graham: But I see you fire a lot of arrows. Jeremy: A lot of arrows, yeah.
But it must be quite tiring. I mean you're constantly... [Audience laughing]
Now imagine if he had just said, "That's a lot of arrows."
No one would laugh. But by using big gestures and
moving your voice up and down and pitch to emphasize your point, you can have people in stitches.
...some on my drink— Graham: No! Because it's one of those stupid games; you'll punch me.
[Audience laughing] Where's the fun in that?
But Graham's greatest skill might be laughing along with someone else's joke.
Watch him lose it after Mark Ruffalo takes a dig at Josh Widdicombe here.
Josh, what are you most afraid of?
I was gonna go with flying but I think I'll go with, um—
Girls over 12? [Audience laughs and cheers]
[Graham laughing and applauding]
He's just so good-natured. He laughs a lot which makes him fun to be around
and it makes other people feel good around him; this is a skill that is hugely overlooked.
When you laugh at someone else's joke, you make them feel like you're listening to them
and you make them feel like you get them.
If this is something you want to get better at, I recommend watching a wide variety of comedies, watch improv shows, stand-up,
and don't-laugh challenges on YouTube and find what makes you laugh.
Don't multitask and distract yourself from it.
Spend at least an hour a week watching things that make you laugh out loud.
Over time, you'll find yourself laughing out loud more and more as those neural pathways get reinforced over time.
As someone who used to take everything in life very seriously,
I know firsthand that laughter and happiness are habits and the more you can cultivate that habit,
the happier you'll be and the more people will enjoy being around you.
Because Graham Norton interviews three or four people at a time,
he needs to be able to make his guests like him while spending more time and listening than speaking.
By smiling touching and laughing, you can create really positive feelings towards you while saying very little.
Now, another thing worth pointing out is that Graham Norton is not dealing with normal people;
he is interviewing the biggest movie stars and athletes on the planet
so they can sometimes be difficult to connect with or difficult to open up.
That's where Graham's third step comes in —
he uses teasing and self-deprecation to get everyone on the same level.
Car. Who cares?
[Overlapping chatter from the guests]
Yeah, your sensible shoes. Who cares? [Audience laughs]
Playful teasing is what we do in our most intimate relationships.
If you think of close family members and friend groups or even romantic relationships,
most of them involve playfully giving each other a hard time.
If you can effectively jump into this type of humor early on in a relationship,
you immediately create a much more familiar feeling between the two of you.
This is one of the biggest reasons why Graham's guests are so laid back on the show.
It's hard to be uptight when you're cracking up laughing while somebody teases you.
As an example, here he is teasing Elizabeth Olsen about her role on The Avengers.
So you're just going... [Audience laughs]
There was a lot of trust involved. [Audience laughs]
We've got a picture of you without the special effects and you know what? It is...
it's not... even Jeremy Renner is really unimpressed.
It looks like this woman is fleeing for her life. [Audience laughs]
This is a dangerous type of joke to make because it can easily be confused with putting someone down.
But Graham avoids that by keeping it light.
He wasn't teasing something core to Elizabeth like her acting skills; he's simply poking fun at a silly pose.
The two rules to keep in mind are — don't attack someone's identity
and don't tease something that is both unchangeable and important to them.
Teasing someone is not the same as insulting them and it should make the person laugh.
Look at this clip with David Beckham for example.
This one... okay, what was going on?
[Audience laughing]
Yeah, that was.. that was maybe a bad decision.
Graham is teasing David's past haircut which is a completely changeable feature
and since Beckham is a well-known sex symbol who has literally won People's Sexiest Man Alive award,
it's a safe and funny joke that they can both laugh at.
Going back to the example with Elizabeth Olsen, there's another important factor at play.
This was around the release of Avengers age of Ultron
where Elizabeth was playing a starring role in one of the biggest movies of the year.
Graham even compliments the movie earlier in the interview.
It is terrific; it does such a good job with this movie and people will not be disappointed. It's just fantastic
By starting with such a sincere compliment, Graham has established that he liked the movie
which sets the stage for him to be able to tease little things without offending anyone.
Here's another example of grounding you're teasing with a compliment with heavyweight boxing champion, Anthony Joshua.
We've got a still of when you... when you slipped.
[Audience laughs] You can see the position; I was like, "Vwoom."
Yeah! I mean, look. Obviously, there's... there's water there. [Anthony laughs]
Look at how hard Anthony Joshua is laughing there.
How is Graham Norton able to tease him about being knocked down without upsetting him.
It's simple. Twenty seconds earlier, he praised him very heavily and sincerely
and it's a fight that Anthony won so he isn't sensitive about it.
It also helps that Graham delivers a jab; he says it with a smile, laughing, and an upbeat tone.
We've all been burned by the guy that takes a jab at us without smiling or laughing and it feels totally different.
This goes back to the point earlier — don't be a jerk; don't say something out of malice or dislike for someone.
Whoever you're teasing should be laughing along with you.
Now, if you forget to slip a compliment into the conversation and happen to tease someone before thinking of it,
there is another way to keep the conversation fun and funny for everyone
and that is with a self-deprecating joke. Here's an example from Graham.
Are you from New Zealand as well?
Lady: No, I'm from Basingstoke. [Audience laughing] Graham: Oh.
I have great ear.
It's funny and it also isn't a huge put-down.
The joke isn't that he's a huge loser; he's actually just acknowledging what everyone else has already started laughing at which is that he botched where she's from.
By occasionally teasing yourself as well and you're showing that it's all in fun and that you aren't actually attacking anyone,
this creates an atmosphere where everyone is on the same team and laughing together.
There is no in-crowd-versus-out-crowd dynamic.
Watch as Graham puts it all together while promoting X-Men First Class.
He starts off early in the interview with something nice.
But here is exciting — all three of the men also appeared
on Empire's Sexiest Man of the Year poll. [Audience cheering]
Then he puts them into a funny and awkward spot by making them guess where they rank against each other.
I'm gonna go... I'm obviously last.
Graham: And you're right. [Audience laughs] James: I knew it.
Now James McAvoy could feel a bit of a sting here
although it turned out he ranked 16th sexiest man alive out of a hundred potential celebrities so
he's probably not hurting too badly about it.
But watch how Graham softens it even further a minute later.
Where were you? Where were you, Graham?
I was at home reading. [Audience laughs]
Between the early compliment and the joke at his own expense, it'd be hard for James to be upset at Graham right now.
One quick word of caution here — don't make yourself the butt of every joke.
The same rules apply when teasing yourself as when teasing someone else.
By combining achievement-based compliments the person is proud of —
playful teases and self-deprecating jokes — you can tease people while they laugh and love you for it.
The last thing Graham Norton does fantastically that really endears him to people
is he listens very intently.
He speaks much less than most talk-show hosts; instead, guiding the conversation,
jumping in with jokes when he sees the opportunity, and mostly letting the stars do the talking.
Watch how he asks a question, makes everyone laugh,
and then stops being goofy and becomes very focused on listening intently.
I read you usually, as an actor, you negotiated longly for extra nudity.
[Audience laughing]
"I'm trying to sell the film; it's not about that."
[Audience laughing]
It's about sexuality so it has to be sexy and
there is a love scene in the film...
One of my favorite authors, Dale Carnegie, wrote, "To be interesting, be interested."
Especially once you've got them laughing and feeling like you're someone who is a joy to be around,
the people you're talking to will really value your attention.
Listen to how Graham asks this next question
and watch his eye contact, facial expressions, and gesticulation.
There's a real sense of genuine interest.
...because you were the same; you worked when you were very young, didn't you?
Letting someone talk and share while making them feel listened to
can be an incredible experience for them.
And there you have it. There's obviously a lot more that you can do in a conversation
to make someone like you; I think the biggest thing we haven't touched on today
is the best way to actually share things about yourself.
We can do another video on that later if you'd like
but I think what's amazing about Graham Norton
is how he doesn't say much about himself yet his guests and viewers adore him.
And when people love being around you, they'll eagerly want to meet up with you again and connect with you on a deeper level.
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