- Thank you very much, it is a pleasure to be here.
God save the queen.
You've got your hand up, which is so polite,
so I'm gonna come to you first, yeah.
That's never happened at a rap show before!
Someone just like, I'll wait my turn patiently, yeah.
Yeah, what is your suggestion?
- [Woman In Crowd] Having twin boys.
- Having twin boys?
I presume you have twin boys?
- [Woman In Crowd] Grandchildren.
- Grandchildren, wonderful.
Wait, so you didn't have them, who had them?
(crowd laughing)
- [Woman In Crowd] My son.
- Your son had, well he didn't have them, did he?
That's a misunderstanding of how biology works.
Yeah, it was his, it was his--
- [Woman In Crowd] And my daughter-in-law.
- And your daughter-in-law, wonderful.
Having twin boys, great suggestion, thank you very much.
I will come to, kind of, this area then.
We've got some from the front.
What do you guys want to hear a rap about?
I like that we've put the lights on
just so everyone can be held fully accountable
for their suggestions.
(crowd laughing)
This is a thing I've asked them to do,
cause recently, when the lights are down,
people are like, "Sex!", and when the lights are up
they feel less inclined to shout those things.
(crowd laughing)
It's also less intimidating for me
to have men shouting sex at me
if the room is fully lighted.
So, you guys over here, don't feel
like there is any pressure on you.
Having twin boys is a very good suggestion
but, you just got tapped on the shoulder over there!
Do you have a great suggestion to say?
- [Woman In Crowd] Yes--
- Yeah, wow! Confidence there like,
yeah, it is going to blow your tiny,
British socks off, Chris!
What is it?
- [Woman In Crowd] Beyoncé's nightly routine.
- Beyoncé's nightly routine, okay!
I mean we're in, we're in California.
Are you a stylist? Do you know any secrets?
No? Do you imagine it's pretty in depth
or that she just kind of goes to bed
and wakes up glowing?
- [Woman In Crowd] Maybe she just wakes up like that?
- Maybe she just wakes up like that?
I was setting you up for that joke
but everyone here is so out of touch
with popular music that they have no idea
that she created that meme.
Great!
So, Beyoncé's nightly routine, having twin boys,
we'll come to you guys in the middle.
What do you want to hear a rap about?
- [Man In Crown] Baby Yoda.
- Baby Yoda has been suggested quite recently.
I don't take the same suggestion twice.
Were you the gentleman he was talking about
who tattooed people in the 1930's?
Yeah, yeah.
(crowd laughing)
I like that, I was back stage, I couldn't see
but I'm like, yeah, I get that, I see it.
(crowd laughing)
I see it.
Or,
or,
Soviet War criminal.
It's hard to tell.
In Britain, it's very rude to ask someone
where they're from but in America
I feel, people are like, "Whoa, you like Armenian
mixed with..."
Where are you from?
- I'm actually from here.
I grew up in Torrance, I was born in LA.
- You're from Torrance and born in LA.
You doing a very good job of not using
your white privilege.
This is--
(crowd laughing)
Like, you're tanned and that mustache is,
I mean, I would assume you owned a white BMW
based on that facial hair.
(crowd laughing)
And lived in Glendale, which is--
(crowd laughing)
Hey, look, I've learnt some racial stereotypes
since moving here.
(crowd laughing)
Yeah.
So, I'm so sorry, we've distracted ourself from this.
To remind ourselves, we had having, well sir,
we've gotta spread the love around.
We, I mean, we're happy to take it.
What was your suggestion?
- [Woman In Crowd] Harry and Meghan's future.
- Harry and Meghan's future.
Yeah, yeah.
(crowd laughing)
You think we care about those traitors?
(crowd groaning)
You think we care?
Wow, we've split the room.
That's, that's it.
So, okay, Harry and Meghan's future,
having twin boys, Beyoncé's nightly routine.
You guys, what do you want to hear a rap about?
- [Woman In Crown] Poutine.
- Poutine, thank you.
I said no food suggestions but I feel
that it is actually a culinary marvel.
The first time I tried it, I was like, yeah.
Do you like it?
The fried cheese curds or unfried, do you prefer?
Unfried? Okay, cool.
So, we've got space for one more.
We've had Poutine, Harry and Meghan's future,
Beyoncé's nightly routine and twin boys.
You guys over here, it's a high bar
that's been set.
I'm sure you can clear it, what's it gonna be?
- [Man In Crowd] Jeffrey Epstein.
- Jeffrey Epstein.
(crowd laughing)
Mate, you can't be a man sat on your own
and say that.
It's uncomfortable.
(crowd laughing)
Do you wanna layout of his private island?
I can tell you about that.
I feel like we should add something to that.
Jeffrey Epstein--
- [Man In Crowd] Didn't kill himself.
- Didn't kill himself, yeah.
The thing is, again, no one here knows
what memes are, so it really goes over their heads.
Let's add something to Jeffrey Epstein.
Let's get an adjective or something else.
- [Man In Crowd] You selling out the Staples Center.
- Me selling out the Staples Center?
I will change that to be Jeffrey Epstein
selling out the Staples Center.
(crowd laughing)
I think that will be fun.
Thank you very much for the optimism over there!
Wow!
Wow, from Hermosa Beach to the Staples Center, cool!
This then, lovely people of The Comedy and Magic Club,
a little thing called a freestyle rap.
That is a rap made upon the spot, based entirely
on those suggestions.
It is not written, it is not prepared,
it will never be seen again.
Please don't worry, it won't be anywhere near
as atrociously bad as you're expecting
a privately educated, middle class, white boy to be.
(crowd laughing)
Let's drop that beat, my friend.
- [Woman In Crowd] Drop it!
Yeah, drop it, that's what I say.
I said, drop that beat.
The suggestions, to remind you, having twin boys,
Jeffrey Epstein selling out the Staples Center,
Beyoncé's nightly routine.
("Tyburn Jig" by Bankrupt Beats)
What was your one again?
Poutine and Harry and Meghan's future.
And can we turn it up a little bit as well?
Just a little bit more.
♪ Before I go to sleep ♪
♪ Before I go to bed ♪
♪ Got to make sure I take a thick layer of makeup of my head ♪
♪ You might say that my skin glows ♪
♪ I do report these ♪
♪ Beyoncé still fit and in her 40's ♪
♪ Probably I've never looked at her date of birth ♪
♪ When she jumps in bed with Jay-Z ♪
♪ Who's first ♪
♪ Probably him ♪
♪ He takes 10 minutes in the shower ♪
♪ But Beyoncé, she takes an hour ♪
♪ Admiring herself, right in the mirror ♪
♪ She's like, damn, I'm fine and I've got a great figure ♪
♪ My music's in the charts ♪
♪ Selling out the stadiums ♪
♪ But she gets bumped off by Epstein ♪
♪ Why, because he's rising up the popular lines ♪
♪ Everybody forming out the Staples Center in lines ♪
♪ Big ques to get a ticket through the turnstile ♪
♪ To see a guy who likes having sex with child ♪
♪ Wait, and I'm so sorry ♪
♪ This guy suggested it ♪
♪ If you are a pedophile, Epstein is the best there is ♪
♪ He's like, yeah, I got really big hands ♪
♪ I touch kids underage, on my islands ♪
♪ Get a mom a private jet ♪
♪ Off they fly ♪
♪ I'm on the stage with the mic ♪
♪ Look at this guy ♪
♪ Epstein, you've got no talent, just money ♪
♪ And all the royal family look at you funny ♪
♪ Like they did at Meghan and Harry when they said ♪
♪ To the queen, yeah, we think we're out of here ♪
♪ We're gonna get out of dodge ♪
♪ Get out of Buckingham Palace ♪
♪ We're leaving because the British press ♪
♪ has given us the malice ♪
♪ Technically they hounded her ♪
♪ They were like, Meghan ♪
♪ what are you out of 10 ♪
♪ Not 11, you're ugly ♪
♪ We don't like you ♪
♪ Why'd you say this British press ♪
♪ Obviously it's cause they are racist ♪
♪ They horrible ♪
♪ The tabloids and The Sun ♪
♪ The Daily Mail, they were like ♪
♪ Oh, let's have fun ♪
♪ We separate William and Harry ♪
♪ Because Kate likes Will but when ♪
♪ Meghan marries to the family ♪
♪ What the heck will they do ♪
♪ They've got no money ♪
♪ From the people coming through ♪
♪ Well, they trademarked the name The Sussexes ♪
♪ And on Instagram, they added all the suffixes ♪
♪ Saying ex-princess, ex-prince ♪
♪ They leaving the family ♪
♪ What does the queen think ♪
♪ She sits on her throne ♪
♪ And says, I adore these ♪
♪ Little dogs, I call little Corgi's ♪
♪ That's not what we asked you ♪
♪ Senile queen ♪
♪ It doesn't make sense ♪
♪ Have some Poutine ♪
♪ And she would ♪
♪ eat it up with surprise ♪
♪ Canadian supplies ♪
♪ Get the gravy and the fries ♪
♪ Get the cheese on top ♪
♪ I have observed ♪
♪ That it's not real cheese ♪
♪ It's just cheese curds ♪
♪ What is the difference ♪
♪ Well, if I had power ♪
♪ Of culinary skills ♪
♪ I'll say this cheese has gone sour ♪
♪ Cheese that has gone slightly off ♪
♪ Slightly out of order ♪
♪ Why'd you put it in your mouth ♪
♪ North of the border ♪
♪ You chew it down ♪
♪ Slurp all the noise ♪
♪ The only thing you could explain it ♪
♪ Is if you having twin boys ♪
♪ Cause the Poutine's got the calorie amount ♪
♪ That you need to make sure that they turn out ♪
♪ Properly, oh I'm eating for two ♪
♪ Technically there's three ♪
♪ The twins inside you ♪
♪ Twin boys, what a real handful ♪
♪ Make sure you're healthy and don't mangle ♪
♪ Their opportunities by smoking or drinking ♪
♪ Sitting on the sofa ♪
♪ What were you thinking ♪
♪ You put your feet up ♪
♪ Yeah, I really go there ♪
♪ Having twins, watching Mandalorian, Yoda ♪
♪ Baby, the crowd doesn't go wild ♪
♪ They don't know baby Yoda ♪
♪ Technically the child ♪
♪ That's the name but nobody refers to him as that ♪
♪ Why does main character in Mandalorian not remove his hat ♪
♪ Well, technically his helmet ♪
♪ There we go team ♪
♪ I'll finish as I started ♪
♪ God save the queen ♪
(crowd cheering)