MY NEXT GUEST IS A COMEDIAN AND ACTOR WHO HAS APPEARED ON
"ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT," "LOUIE," AND IN HER OWN CONCERT SPECIALS.
PLEASE WELCOME, MARIA BAMFORD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> OH, YOU GUYS, IT'S 2016, AND
I REALLY NEED TO FIND A WAY TO SHOW PEOPLE HOW MUCH I LOVE THEM
DESPITE ALL MY WORDS AND ACTIONS.
( LAUGHTER ) MY BELOVED HUSBAND HAS NOTICED
THAT I LIKE TO TEAR OPEN PACKAGES OF FOOD, TAKE CAPS OFF
BEVERAGES, AND LEAVE IT OUT AND AROUND.
AND HE SAID VERY KINDLY, VERY SWEETLY, "WHY HYYYY?"
AND I SAID, "BECAUSE I'M A RACCOON.
I NEED TO GET IN THERE, GET WHAT'S GOOD, BE ON MY WAY."
"OH, BUT WHAT IF IT GOES BAD?
WHAT IF YOU GET SICK?" "WERE YOU NOT LISTENING WHEN I
JUST MENTIONED THAT I'M A RACCOON?
I CAN DIGEST CEILING TILE.
I JUST NEED TO FILL THIS UP, GET BACK TO THE RIVER WITH MY
FRIENDS."
"DID YOU JUST BRING AN OLD SALAD TO BED?"
"IT'S NIGHT TIME.
I'M WEAK."
( LAUGHTER ) WE RECENTLY MARRIED, ONLY NINE
MONTHS, SO WE'VE BEEN HAVING A LOT OF SEX, A LOT OF FUDGING AND
WUDGING AND LOTIONS AND POTIONS JELLIES AND SAUCES SAUCES SAUCES
TARDARDS AND CUSTAR CUSTARDS AND HUSTLE, BUSTLE, HUSTLE BUSTLE.
HAMMER, ANVIL, HAMMER ANVIL!
NOTHING'S BEEN CONSUMMATED BUT WE'VE BEEN DOING SOME FURIOUS
HAND HOLDING AND OUR PALMS ARE RAW WITH DESIRE.
( LAUGHTER ) I-- I-- I LOVE PEOPLE SO MUCH.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
I LOVE MY FAMILY SO MUCH.
I LOVE MY NIECE AND NEPHEWS.
I SAY THAT I LOVE THEM BUT IS THAT WHAT I SAY WHEN ONCE A YEAR
I FEDEX THEM A BOX OF WIGS?
DOES THAT REALLY MAKE UP FOR THE FACT THAT I NEVER MAKE EYE
CONTACT AND I'M STILL NOT CLEAR ON THEIR NAMES?
"HEY, TINY, WHERE ARE THE BIGGER ONES?"
I HAVE A DEAR FRIEND WHO I KNOW HAS A FLIP PHONE AND YET I
CONTINUE TO SEND HER EMOJIS OF EGG PLANT AND BASKET BALLS AND
PIECES OF PIZZAS KNOWING THAT ALL SHE SEES ARE SQUARES!
( APPLAUSE ) THIS YEAR, MY FRIEND AMY IS
ALWAYS TRYING TO GET ME TO DO STUFF.
I'M GOING TO TRY TO SAY YES.
"DO YOU WANT TO GO HORSEBACK RIDING?"
"WHAT IS IT?" "YOU GO ON A DUSTY TRAIL WITH
TWO LESS WHO USED TO BE A DO YOU MEAN AND NOW THEY RUN A SMALL
BUSINESS TOGETHER, AND HORSEs BITE."
OKAY, I'LL GO ONCE AND I'LL NEED A DAIRY QUEEN PEANUT BUTTER
PARFAIT, HOT FUDGE PEANUTS ICE CREAM, HOT FUDGE PEANUTS ICE
CREAM, CHERRY TOPPER.
"DO YOU WANT TO GO SWING DANCING ?" "ARE PEOPLE STILL DOING
THAT?" "THE WAR IS OVER.
THERE'S PLENTY OF PANTYHOSE FOR EVERYONE.
IT'S ON SUNDAYS FROM 2:00 TO 4:00 JUST WHEN YOU DON'T WANT TO
DO ANYTHING AND IT'S SIDE, SIDE, BACKSTEP, SIDE, SIDE."
"I'LL GO FOR THREE YEARS, BUT THAT'S IT."
DO YOU WANT TO GO TO A FITNESS BOOT CAMP?
IT'S EVERY DAY AT 6:00 A.M.
BECAUSE THEY'RE GETTING YOU INTO SHAPE AND YOU RUN AND YOU RUN
AND YOU RUN AND THERE'S NO GAME ELEMENT TO DISTRACT YOU FROM THE
FACT THAT YOU'RE RUNNING AND RUNNING AND RUNNING.
"HERE'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
I'M GOING TO GO FOR FIVE DAYS.
DAY FIVE, TANYA, I I KNOW IT'S GOING TANYA IS GOING TO SAY
'COME ON, MARIA!
I WANT TO SEE YOU PUSH IT'.
AND I AM NEVER GOING TO GO AGAIN."
( APPLAUSE ) "BUT WILL YOU FORGET TO CANCEL
THAT AUTOMATIC DEBIT COMING FROM YOUR CHECKING ACCOUNT AND PAY
FOR IT FOR THE NEXT EUROPE AND A HALF?"
", OF COURSE, I WILL.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH."
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
THANKS A LOT!