Let me take you back to 2002
Online gaming for consoles was just starting to emerge
You had the PS2 Network Adapter and you had Xbox Live
Remember stupid ass Dark Master?
I must have been like 12 years old when I got my Xbox
I got Return to Castle Wolfenstein
I got that old school headset
and I’d get in there on Xbox Live and I’m like:
Hey guys! Let’s go win the game, dude!
And just a wave of angry douches descend on me like:
Shut the fuck up you little gay ass you little fucking 6 year old little bitch shut up
and I’m just sitting there
with a big ass smile on my face like
“This is amazing”
And I loved Xbox Live as a kid
playing Counter-Strike,
MechAssault, Halo 2,
Burnout 3, DOA
I remember putting the stupid voice mask on and wack to sound like a robot
It was a magical place
where you could call some black dude in his thirties
a "pee pee head"
"Dude! They can hear me! And I can hear them!"
"That's the coolest thing about Xbox Live, the voice."
And you would just make friends
with the most unlikely people that you would never meet in a hundred years in real life
And I’ve met some of my oldest friends on Xbox Live,
ya know, some of the funniest, most genuine people of all time
Ya know maybe charging 50 bucks back in 2002
when the consumer didn’t know anything about that
ya know, it was just coming out
But, it’s 2015 now
Ya know, things change
We know now that it doesn't cost shit to play games online
We know you spend any money on the servers,
or do any upkeep at all
Xbox Live is essentially Microsoft taking money for doing absolutely nothing
No other consoles were charging you money to play their games online,
and yet, Xbox still did it the worst out of all three of them
Gears of War,
you guys remember this game was so inconsistent and laggy and host would always just clean house in that game
And then over here you had PS3 with Resistance 2
Completely free-to-play online, and you had 60 players in a match,
and it -- it just worked beautifully
And that was probably the moment where I was like:
Okay, why are they still charging me for Xbox Live?
But, Sony saw that you know,
you could just get money for free so they said fuck it
They pulled a complete 180
And now they charge you money to play PS4 online
So thank you Microsoft
Thank you for inspiring your competitors to sink to your level
The original white Xbox 360 was a terrible piece of hardware
Ya know, back in 2009
it was reported that 54% of them had broke down
and that number has probably gone way up since then
I remember i got the Red Ring
back when, Blue Dragon came out
I was so sad because that was pretty much
the only thing I was doing was playing Xbox everyday
And a shitload of 360s were getting Red Rings
so Microsoft responded with this fake ass repair policy to save face
claiming that they would extend warranties on older units to fix the Red Rings
So, [Clears throat]
what you had to do is you had to call support
would ship you a box in like four weeks
You had to put your Xbox in there
ship it back to Microsoft and then a month later,
they send you your Xbox back
and it was still broken
and [Chuckles] it was such a shitshow
And I did this six times
Six times I sent it back to Microsoft,
and they sent it back broken every time
and on my seventh attempt
the guy on phone support tells me:
“Oh I’m sorry sir, you’re no longer covered by the warranty.”
So yeah,
Microsoft’s actual response to every 360 breaking down was:
Hey, buy this new black Xbox 360. This one actually works!
Games for Windows Live is the single worst interface
ever introduced in the history of PC gaming
It was designed as a sick practical joke by the Nazis to troll gamers
Now for this one I gotta take you back a couple years
My Youtube channel was just starting to do good
I was making some decent money off my videos
So like a complete fucking idiot
I signed a year long lease for this really expensive apartment
And then the month I move in
Youtube ads start paying 40% of what they were previously paying
Not to mention
you know, I Machinima taking a huge cut of that money
"Sign here please."
"WELCOME TO MACHINIMA!"
[Scream]
So during that whole year I was just super stressed out
Trying to make as videos as I could to make enough money to live off of
and I was putting out, ya know, 8 to 9 videos a month
So pretty much just back to back
everyday, every hour working on videos
And I was just looking to for any opportunity
to make some extra money to pay this stupid enormous rent
And Microsoft comes in with this deal
they say:
“Oh, okay. We’ll pay you 2 months rent
if you make four videos for our new indie game we’re putting out.”
So I email them and I say:
“Okay, I’ll do it. What are the guidelines?”
and they respond:
“Oh just do whatever you want”
So I make this
and within 2 hours Microsoft takes down the video
they cancel the deal with me
and they don’t even pay me for that first video
Now this is the knock out punch
this is where Microsoft sums their entire purpose
as a company into one single moment
Valve was releasing a whole new set of maps for Left 4 Dead for free
they were give you all the new maps for free
Microsoft saw this and told them no
you can’t do that
because they didn't like the precedent Valve was setting with the free DLC
and they didn’t want other companies following in Valve's example
So, you had the maps for free on day one on PC
and then 3 weeks later, you had them for $20 on Xbox
You have to [Laughs] ask yourself
What kind of human being would perpetrate such terrible, evil acts upon the gaming community?
Ya know?
Unless they weren't people at all
Think about it
Xbox Live, the faulty hardware, Windows 8, 13 billion dollars worth of sand
Microsoft is run by ANTS
It’s run by ants
DreamWorks, you guys know DreamWorks right
Shrek, Madagascar, How to Train Your Dragon
DreamWorks was actually founded by Microsoft’s own Paul Allen
Do you guys recall what was DreamWorks' first movie they put out?
Oh wha-what was that?
IT WAS ANTZ
It was Antz ladies and gentlemen
It was fucking Antz
I rest my case