I would wake up in the morning swig some
vodka just to get myself up go
downstairs make breakfast I'm just let
me have another sip I having a bit of a
stressful day you know just pick up some
drink on the way home ready to go out
the house definitely need more I would
sit there and I would be clock watching
is anyone gonna notice that I'm missing
from my desk again you would just get
louder and louder and louder and louder
and the only thing that could shut this
voice up wish to just drink a
functioning alcoholic that's what I was
when people say the word alcoholic they
instantly have a vision of an old man
sitting over a part with a paper bag
with a can in it I don't think of a top
he a working for a CEO in the city a
young teenage girl with a whole life
ahead of her a mum two amazing children
who they wasn't enough for me to be able
to stop
in the UK we have a drinking culture
here so it's normalized across the board
so it's very difficult to spot who has a
problem and who doesn't a lot of my
friends at the time could have several
drinks and stop and go to bed and go to
sleep I never wanted the party and used
to go out all the time to all the pubs
and bars down there half-price drinks I
felt so good when I drank and I'd have
this intense craving for more the next
one the next one and when I was coming
to the point where I would be running
out I would start to panic and think
right where am I gonna get more
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the very first job I ever had was in
media the whole drinking culture was not
just accepted but expected I always
managed to get very very good jobs
sometimes part of being an alcoholic is
most alcoholics are actually naturally
very charming people to start off you
know I see this this party girl that had
lots of friends and was very sociable
and seemed to be making it in the world
that facade kind of quickly faded I
think socially a lot lot friends of
drink it would take all my anxiety away
I'd be able to talk to people more when
everybody had gone home and was
suffering with a hangover I was going
back to the shop and buying two bottles
of wine and sitting indoors and went
home I would get into work and I knew
that at 10 o'clock there was a shop
around the corner that opened that sold
alcohol so quite often I would put a
meeting in my diary that would give me a
reason to be out of the office for half
an hour I would come back and there was
a disabled toilet and I kind of had my
supply kit that was like a little hiding
place and I would go and put my bottle
of vodka in there there was a toothbrush
and toothpaste and mouthwash and perfume
I would have chosen alcohol over someone
I love you know alcohol and drugs were
more important to me than my marriage I
used to look at both my kids and think
we've got to do it for them now I just
can't control it sorry
alcoholism destroys families and
relationships is the process of having
to hide your problem away from your
loved ones from your families where that
is such a painful place to be
essentially you feel that you can't go
on living by that point I had pretty
much lost everything I had to move out
of a beautiful flat that I was living in
I'd lost my job
an extremely low point was one New
Year's I was away with some friends and
I didn't have a good time I was walking
along the cliff tops and I just
genuinely did not want to be alive
anymore I just wanted to take myself out
so I didn't have to go through that
shame of telling people what the problem
really was and I just looked out to the
sea and I really just thought this is my
life that I'm I'm miserable I'm losing
people around me and I took a lot of
tablets my friend came down to my room
and found me unconscious in my bed and
the only thing that I do remember is
hearing my mom scream and that was
several months before I got sober
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I had no idea that this year that I
thought was the worst year was going to
be the best year as scared as I was to
break out of that relationship it was
becoming a matter of life or death I
just want her involved sort of waking up
and I kind of been on this like weekend
bender it was like her a spark had been
lit inside of me and I realized that I
wanted to live I wanted to live a life
free of these chains that I've been
shackled in there is help available call
a helpline speak to somebody
people aren't alone you're not the only
person it's about for the first time
actually coming out of isolation and
being in a community where you can
express what's truly going on for
yourself and addressing those problems I
often refer to it as my ex-husband and
he was the most gorgeous thing in the
world this person still loves me and
wants me even after all these years he's
like it talks to you it sounds crazy but
it is it's like you know if the day ends
and Wyatt somebody sent a drink
took my daughter into supermarket before
she's had a tantrum and so on and so man
and say I hope it you can't wait for
that glass of wine when you get it's
coca-cola o'clock yeah a colleague has
just gone through treatment and going
back into society it's a massive problem
being surrounded by alcohol because it's
so normalized and legal society is
flooded on my Instagram you know things
come up you know adverts for vodka and
they make it look really glamorous and
though these funky coloureds gins and
beautifully decorated boxes of champagne
and it plays into the whole
romanticizing that people do around
drinking
women especially find it very difficult
to admit that they've got a problem with
alcohol mums even more so because no mum
wants to say I have a problem with
alcohol and some people do and it's okay
each day now I can get up in the morning
and I can concentrate on my family my
children I live for them it's still
parts of me that are vulnerable but I'm
completely different I'm sort of like a
phoenix that's risen from the ashes
sometimes the best days are the days
where it's been absolutely shocking and
awful and the worst day ever and I
haven't picked up drink there's not a
day that I don't think about alcohol
it's in my mind every day but it is no
longer at the forefront and I will
continue to do each day at a time the
strongest that I can
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