>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
BEFORE THE COMMERCIAL BREAK, WHICH I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOYED, WE
WERE TALKING ABOUT THE INTERNET CONSPIRACY THEORY THAT HILLARY
CLINTON IS SUFFERING FROM BRAIN DAMAGE.
WHAT IS STILL "EMBUNKED" IS HILLARY CLINTON AND HER EMAILS.
YESTERDAY, IT CAME OUT THAT THE F.B.I. HAS UNCOVERED 15,000
MORE PREVIOUSLY UNSEEN EMAILS FROM HER PRIVATE SERVER.
THAT IS RIDICULOUS.
I HAVE THOUSANDS OF UNREAD EMAILS IN MY OWN INBOX.
NOW I HAVE TO READ 15,000 OF HERS?
BY THE WAY-- AND I MEAN THIS INSERIOUS-- match.com, THANK
YOU FOR SENDING ME ALL THOSE PROFILES OF AVAILABLE AFRICAN
AMERICAN WOMEN IN THEIR 40s FROM THE CAPE GIRARDEAUX AREA OF
MISSOURI, BUT I'M GOOD.
THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
MY KIDS THOUGHT MY WIFE AND I WOULD BE A GOOD MATCH ON
match.com AND SAID WHY DON'T WE SIGN YOU UP FOR match.com
SEPARATELY TO SEE IF THE COMPUTERS WOULD MATCH YOU
BECAUSE WE THINK THEY WOULD MATCH YOU.
I TOLD THEM, DO NOT DO THAT.
I DO NOT WANT ANYBODY REPORTING THAT STEPHEN COLBERT SIGNED UP
FOR match.com.
THEY SAID THEY DIDN'T, BUT I HAVE STARTED RECEIVING E-MAILS
FROM match.com THAT FOR SOME REASON ARE SENDING ME MID-40s,
VERY FRIENDLY LOOKING FULL-FIGURED SISTERS.
>> Jon: OH, YEAH!
HEY!
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.
AND ASKING ME TO HOLLA-BACK.
( APPLAUSE ) I'M FLATTERED.
I UNDERSTAND THE APPEAL.
BUT THANK YOU BUT NO THANK YOU.
NOW, WHERE WAS I?
WHERE WAS I?
HILLARY CLINTON.
NOW HERE'S THE DEAL WITH HILLARY AND THE E-MAILS.
THERE ARE SO MANY OF THESE HILLARY EMAILS THAT THE STATE
DEPARTMENT SAYS THEY'LL BE PUTTING THEM OUT IN BATCHES,
WITH THE THE FINAL BATCH SCHEDULED TO BE RELEASED.
FOUR DAYS BEFORE ELECTION DAY.
AND ELECTION DAY BY MY CALCULATIONS IS STILL-- LET'S
SEE-- ( LAUGHTER )
A REASON TO DRINK.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT THERE'S ACTUALLY ANOTHER 'NOTHER NEW BATCH OF CLINTON
EMAILS.
AND THESE ARE ONES ABOUT HER TIES TO DONORS AT THE CLINTON
FOUNDATION, WHICH IS A CHARITY SET UP TO DISTRIBUTE AID AROUND
THE WORLD, AND JUST AS IMPORTANTLY, TO KEEP BILL
CLINTON BUSY ENOUGH THAT HE DOESN'T SPEND ALL DAY TRYING TO
GET SECRET SERVICE TO GO TO HOOTERS WITH HIM.
THEY GOT CLAM STRIPS.
DELICIOUS.
AND THESE EMAILS SHOW HOW THE FOUNDATION'S DONORS SOMETIMES
GOT ACCESS TO CLINTON WHILE SHE WAS SECRETARY OF STATE.
SOUNDS SHADY.
BUT WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS SURROUNDING ALL OF THESE EMAILS,
IT'S HARD TO TELL WHAT'S REALLY A THING AND WHAT'S NOTHING AT
ALL.
SO TO FIGURE IT OUT, LET'S BRING OUT THE LATE SHOW'S
THING-O-METER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OKAY, OKAY.
THIS IS THE THING-O-METER.
IT SHOWS HOW STUFF RATES ON A SCALE OF "THING," TO "NOT A
THING."
FOR EXAMPLE, OVER HERE AT "THING," YOU HAVE
IGNEOUS ROCK.
CLEARLY A "THING."
AND WE KNOW ROCKS ARE A THING BECAUSE ROCKS ARE WHAT THE THING
IS MADE OUT OF.
HERE IN THE MIDDLE IS "MAYBE A THING," REPRESENTED BY
HIDDLESWIFT, WHICH MAY BE A THING, BUT I ALSO HEAR IS NOT A
THING.
HONESTLY, WHO KNOWS?
STAY SAFE, YOU GUYS.
NOW, AND OVER HERE IS "NOT A THING," REPRESENTED BY MIKE
PENCE MANIA, WHERE TEENS TAKE PICTURES OF THEMSELVES DRESSED
AS MIKE PENCE.
WHICH, I PROMISE YOU, IS NOT A THING.
YET, YET.
SO LET'S RESET THE THING-O-METER, AND LET'S FIND
OUT IF THE CLINTON FOUNDATION SCANDAL IS REALLY A
THING.
HERE'S WHAT CAME OUT IN THE EMAILS.
FIRST, THEY SHOW TIES TO A CHARISMATIC, POWER-HUNGRY
INTERNATIONAL LEADER: BONO.
HE'S A CLINTON FOUNDATION DONOR, AND HE GOT THEM TO SEND AN EMAIL
TO SECRETARY CLINTON'S TOP AIDE HUMA ABEDIN, REQUESTING A
"LINKUP WITH THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION ON EVERY SHOW
DURING THE TOUR THIS YEAR.
ANY IDEAS?" ( LAUGHTER )
CLINTON'S STAFF WROTE BACK, "NO CLUE."
( APPLAUSE ) IN OTHER WORDS, HE STILL HASN'T
FOUND WHAT HE'S LOOKING FOR.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NO, OKAY.
SO I'M GOING TO SAY-- I'M GOING TO SAY NOT A THING.
NOW LET'S RESET AGAIN.
LET'S RESET AGAIN.
SO WHAT ELSE WAS IN THESE EMAILS?
A REQUEST CAME TO THE FOUNDATION FOR SECRETARY CLINTON TO MEET
WITH ANOTHER MAJOR DONOR, THE CROWN PRINCE OF BAHRAIN.
AND THIS TIME, HE GOT A MEETING.
ANYONE CAN SEE THAT LOOKS BAD-- DOESN'T TAKE A BAH-RAIN SURGEON
OR FOR THAT MATTER A ROCKET SCIENTIST.
THOUGH IF YOU ARE A ROCKET SCIENTIST, COULD YOU PLEASE GET
IN TOUCH WITH BONO?
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THIS MIGHT NOT ACTUALLY BE
A THING, BECAUSE THE EMAILS ALSO REVEAL THAT THE MEETING WAS
REQUESTED AND SET UP THROUGH OFFICIAL CHANNELS.
WOW.
I AM IMPRESSED THAT THE PRINCE OF BAHRAIN USED OFFICIAL STATE
DEPARTMENT COMMUNICATION CHANNELS.
EVEN HILLARY CLINTON DIDN'T DO THAT!
SO I'M GOING TO SAY-- I'M GOING TO SAY BETWEEN MAYBE A THING AND
A THING.
WE RESET.
THE TECHNOLOGY BEHIND THIS IS SO ADVANCED.
THE EMAILS ALSO SHOW A REQUEST FROM A CLINTON FOUNDATION DONOR
TO GET A VISA FOR A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER WITH A CRIMINAL.
RECORD.
HOWEVER, THE VISA WAS NEVER GRANTED.
SO I'M GOING TO SAY THIS, AS WELL AS SOCCER, "NOT A THING."
( APPLAUSE ) NOW, ALL THESE REQUESTS WERE
BEING HANDLED BY HUMA ABEDIN.
AND I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY, BETWEEN BEING HILLARY CLINTON'S
AIDE AND ANTHONY WEINER'S WIFE, I DO NOT ENVY HER LIFESTYLE.
"I'M SO SICK OF THESE EMAILS.
LET'S SEE WHAT'S ON TWITTER!
OH GOD!" THAT-- THAT IS DEFINITELY A
THING.
( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS ) AND-- NOW, HERE'S SOMETHING
ELSE-- I LOVE YOU.
AND HERE'S SOMETHING ELSE THAT SEEMS LIKE A THING: SINCE THESE
EMAILS CAME OUT, BILL CLINTON HAS ANNOUNCED THAT "THE
FOUNDATION WILL STOP ACCEPTING CORPORATE AND FOREIGN DONATIONS
IF HILLARY CLINTON IS ELECTED."
SO MAYBE HILLARY'S TIES TO THE CLINTON FOUNDATION ARE NOT A
THING.
BUT, CLEARLY, BILL CLINTON THINKS THEY'RE A THING, WHICH...
IT'S KIND OF "A THING."
SO THE CLINTON FOUNDATION SCANDAL LANDS RIGHT UP THERE AT
"MAYBE A THING," WHICH IS THE SAME RANKING AS BALD GUYS WITH
PONYTAILS.
BECAUSE IT MAY NOT BE A CRIME, BUT IT SURE DOESN'T LOOK GOOD.