The next time you see
that adorable hummingbird at your feeder,
remember one thing.
It might take your life.
Because in this world,
every bird works for the government
as a spy or a hidden assassin.
OK, sheeple.
It's time to wake up to some truth.
The government has removed most
of the birds on the planet
and replaced them
with highly sophisticated robot drones.
And these agents of the state might know
you better than you know yourself.
The Birds Aren't Real movement
began in 1976 and revealed the conspiracy
to eliminate all birds with a deadly virus.
"The university doesn't want me sharing this information."
From 1959 to 2001,
the U.S. government systemically removed
and replaced our flying friends with these robotic devices.
OK, if this was true,
the CIA would have 12 million birds
tracking and surveilling our every movement.
But if you're face-to-beak with these spies,
With so many birds flying overhead at all times,
you could never guarantee
you'd have privacy.
Yeah, and that's the point.
According to the lore behind this conspiracy,
President Eisenhower approved this project,
knowing that one camera in the sky
could do the work of dozens on the ground.
If you want to avoid these eyes in the sky,
you'd need to make a soundproof room
in your home without windows.
Choose your words carefully when you're outside,
and keep all your sensitive data
restricted to your safe room.
Well, I hate to break it to you,
but Polly doesn't want a cracker.
Polly wants your passwords.
If all birds were drones,
everything you've ever said in front
of this robotic spy was recorded and sent off to the government.
Yeah, that's right.
Big Brother has been in your living room this whole time.
And when you go outside,
you'd better watch your step.
Some cultures believe that
bird poop brings good luck.
The odds of getting hit are astronomical,
so a little splash from above must mean good fortune, right?
Well, in this world,
this liquid would double
as a tracking device made
for the birds to follow you around.
If it hits you, don't wash your clothes.
Burn them fast and run fast.
If your car takes a splat,
call an Uber and ditch your ride
because you may have been designated public enemy number one.
And all birds don't have the same job.
Bird Truthers state that vultures were created for public sanitation.
But hummingbirds are the hitmen behind this conspiracy,
carrying out government-contracted kills.
And don't be fooled by their eggs.
Those would be highly detailed replicas of the real thing.
Wait, can I still eat omelets?
I mean, if you were in the middle
of this massive cover-up,
how could you protect yourself?
Now, if a bird stares at you in plain sight,
don't just sit there.
You would need to look directly into the camera,
I mean its eyes, and say,
"I know your secret."
This passcode might scare off the secret government agent.
But while that would take care of one bird,
it wouldn't be enough to protect you
for the rest of your life.
If birds weren't real,
you would need to keep your head covered
and choose your words carefully
to avoid further consequences.
You know, some conspiracies
are so far-reaching that they spread across the entire globe.
I mean, disc.
What if the Earth was flat?
Well, don't peer over the edge just yet
because that's a story for another WHAT IF.