- [Voiceover] And as I was like shitting in this Tupperware
I just felt so close to my dad, you know?
I was like, oh my God and just
(fart noise)
(techno music)
(applause)
- Here's the show, it's very simple.
It's just a bunch of funny people
who are all telling true stories.
She's a great story teller.
You guys will absolutely love her.
She has her own one-woman show called Bad Bride.
Ladies and gentleman, Ms. Giulia Rozzi everybody.
Let her hear it.
(applause)
- So I live in New York
and New York is gross and beautiful as we all know
and I've experienced a lot of disgusting things there
such as one time I was eating pizza in a pizzeria,
and as I was eating pizza
one of the ceiling tiles opened up
and a rat fell out of the ceiling, a living rat
and it wasn't one of those like cute rats
with like the hat and the sass
from Muppets Take Manhattan, you know?
Because one of those rats, I would have been like
all right cool rat, you know?
But it was just a nasty like Syphilis-filled rat
and it (thunk) fell on the ground
20 pounds, whatever it was, like an infant.
It fell and I, just without even thinking,
instinctually I just jumped on the table
and then I threw my pizza at it
'cuz that's what you do in an animal attack
you give it food immediately.
And then someone opened the door
to walk into the pizzeria and the rat
was like such a city rat, it ran right out.
It was like, "I have a meeting on the upper westside,"
you know it was just like, wearing like
you know Manolo Blahniks
and drinking a martini or whatever.
I said to the guy behind the counter,
I go hey a rat just fell out of the ceiling.
And he goes, "That's New York, for you."
I was like, what?
Why do we live here? But it's wonderful.
So that happens and then
the other thing that happens when you live there for awhile
not only do you get used to disgusting things,
but you yourself kinda become a little grosser
than most people in other parts of the country.
Like I've done some gross things
and the grossest thing I've ever done
was about eight years ago and
my toilet was broken in my apartment.
And my boyfriend at the time went out
to go get a plunger and I couldn't wait
because I'd already had coffee and
I shat in a Tupperware.
(laughter)
A brand new Tupperware, hadn't been used before
and as I was shitting over the Tupperware,
I was standing over the tub just--
I had drank the night before, it was just a mess.
(laughter)
Yeah, you should. Everyone should hate me.
So I am shitting in this Tupperware
feeling so ashamed and all I could think about
was my parents were immigrants from Italy
and how my dad would always tell the story
of how when he immigrated here he was on a boat
and he traveled all these miles
and he had to poop in a bucket.
And as I was like shitting in this Tupperware
I just felt so close to my dad, you know?
I was like oh my God and just
(fart noise)
And then when I realized what I had done
like after, and it was like a quart-sized,
it was like a big container, I
put it in multiple trash bags to hide my shame,
and then I shoved it in the garbage downstairs,
and I buried it in there deep
'cuz I was terrified that a homeless person
was gonna walk by and be like, "cake," you know
and just, so I hid it in there,
and then I went back upstairs and I sat on the couch
just in silence and like my boyfriend walks in--
again five minutes, this all happened--
with a plunger and just sees my face,
sees like the guilty puppy look,
and is like, "What did you do?"
And I was like (groans).
So, I am guilty of disgusting things,
but nothing, nothing could have prepared me
for what happened to me two years ago.
When I was getting off the subway,
and I was walking up the steps,
and I just innocently grabbed onto the railing
and I felt something wet on my hand.
And I looked down and it was brown.
(laughter)
And it was clumpy brown and I thought to myself
Oh this is just chocolate.
Someone was eating a candy bar
and just smeared it right?
That can't be what I thought it was.
And I didn't wanna react, right?
I didn't wanna like smell my hand right then and there
and confirm or deny what was going on.
Instead, what I wanted to do is I wanted
to get out of the subway station
and I wanted to get to a bathroom
where I could wash my hand and scrub my hand
and cut off my fucking hand, right?
(laughter)
That's what I wanted to do.
So instead of ... so I kinda walked
out of the subway station
like carrying an imaginary tray of drinks, right?
Just doing this.
But the smell had a mind of its own.
The smell was like, "Ah naw bitch,
you're gonna smell me now."
(laughter)
It sort of, like do you remember in cartoons
when a smell would personify into sort of like
smoke, like a sexy lady smoky hand?
It was like (hums)
Shit. It was shit!
I mentioned I was in a subway station, right?
And when it, the smell, hit me
I just sort of fell like Nancy Kerrigan
like, "Whyyyy? Why?"
New York had just given me
the most disgusting high five in the world
is what had just happened.
How on the railing?
(sputters)
How does that happen?
Either somebody took off their pants
and slid down the railing, right?
(laughter)
Or somebody had diarrhea and they
were doing jumping jacks on the platform.
I don't know which one it was,
all I know is it was on my fucking hand.
I get out of the subway station
and I'm kinda like walking like this,
and people are like dodging my hand,
and I'm like it's not mine,
like I was just freaking out.
(laughter)
And it's just there and so I get to a bathroom
and I wash my hands like 100 times,
I put hand sanitizer, I just cleaned,
baptizing myself in hand sanitizer.
I'm feeling slightly better as one can
when they have to amputate their fingers
and then I did what I always do
when anything happens to you:
I immediately went on Facebook
when I got home, right?
And I just sort of casually posted like
oh my God, got shit on my hand on the subway today.
(laughter)
Very casual, it was like an off-hours, like four p.m.
You know like, I didn't think
anyone was going to see it, no big deal.
I gotta say, if you ever want to get a lot of validation
and attention, write that you got shit
on your hand on the subway.
The love and support
that I got that day
from my fake internet community,
It was-- it melts my heart to this day--
it was like, people were just freaking out,
like guys I had hooked up with who never texted me back
were like, "Are you okay?" You know?
Like all the cool kids from high school
were like, "We should've invited you to our party."
People felt so bad--and like this is the thing,
I didn't even think it was a sympathy status, right?
Like I didn't think that I was seeking--
'cuz I hate sympathy statuses.
Side note: anyone who posts one of those vague like,
"Hey guys, having a really hard day.
Not gonna tell you what it is, but
thoughts and prayers would be appreciated."
It's like, fuck you okay?
(laughter)
No, you do not get my thoughts and prayers
unless I get specifics, you pathetic asshole.
No, okay?
I had to get shit on my hand
to get over 100 likes, right?
I had to work really hard for all those likes.
So, I'm feeling better because
people are giving me attention
as that always feels good,
and I'm feeling better,
and then this one woman writes,
"As a mom..." and I was like (groans).
What? What, Facebook Mom?
What, lady who I don't even know what you look like
'cuz all of your photos are of this baby.
Who am I mad at right now?
An adult or a baby with a sailor hat on, okay?
What do you have to say?
All you do is talk about being a mom.
What do you want to say?
She's like, "Um, as a mom,
I don't really see what the big deal is.
I mean, every time I change my baby,
I get poop all over my hand."
Everybody in the world agrees
that is not the same thing, right?
We all are in agreement, not the same.
Adorable baby poop from a baby that you made: sweet.
Shit hand from stranger:
kill yourself.
Throw yourself on the tracks and kill--
not the same, like when you have
a baby, right, like you give her to the baby,
you go change the baby, you go in changing a baby
being like you know today I might get poop on my hand.
Like you know that is a casualty of being parent.
Also, if I got my--if I had a baby,
and I got its poop on my hand,
I'd be like whatever, it's like my poop you know?
It's got like my personality, it's like awww
this is just like my poop.
You know, it's like cute, not the same thing.
More importantly than all of that,
what is this woman doing to her baby
that every time she changes it,
she gets shit all over her hand?
It's a baby, not a puppet like what
(laughter)
are you some--call the Facebook police.
Like this woman
is doing something horribly wrong to her baby.
Here's the thing: maybe she had a point, you know?
Maybe it's not a big deal.
We've all had accidents, you know?
I shared my accident earlier
except here's the thing: when I had my accident
I had the human decency to do it in a Tupperware.
You know, like a goddamn lady.
(laughter)
Thank you.
(applause)
(techno music)