Some people relax in a hot sauna.
And sure, who doesn't love recreating
the feeling of being trapped inside an active volcano?
I don't understand the appeal of a sauna.
Here's every experience I've had in a sauna.
I'm like, "Okay, I'm gonna get a sweat going,
it's gonna be really good for me.
Here we go. It's time to get out, right?
I don't wanna overdo it."
What is so relaxing about sitting in a hot box
next to a pile of smoldering rocks?
I always look at the rocks like, "Whoever's cookin' the rocks,
they're done.
That's a wrap on the rock cookin'."
And to make the sauna more enjoyable,
you're always seated next to a naked, 80-year-old man.
"Oh, good, I get to sweat next to someone's grandpa
who's only wearing a hand towel."
The nudity in the sauna seems unnecessary.
This isn't Rome.
I just look around the sauna like, "Wow...
so this is why we wear clothes, huh?"
So we may eventually eat.
In Finland--In Finland where they invented the sauna,
they relax in Finland by drinking vodka in the sauna.
Which might explain why we've never read
any Finnish literature.
Vodka in the sauna?
Actually, the Fins, they pronounce it, "Sao-na"
'cause they're wasted.
[slurred speech] "You wanna go to the 'sao-na'
and drink some 'bodka'?"
Drinking vodka in a sauna?
You know what kind of ideas you come up with?
An M&M store.
-[cheers and applause] -Thank you.
In Finland--In Finland, I was invited to take a sauna.
I was also invited to go cross-country skiing
and all I could think is, "Is fun illegal here?"
Like what kind of antidepressant do you have to be on
to enjoy cross-country skiing?
I can't believe cross-country skiing's
even a sport.
"Hey, you know that awkward part in downhill skiing
where you're trying to get over to the lift?
What if we just did that?
Whoo!
This is fun!
And to turn around--" "You know what?
Don't turn around.
Let's go across the country."
People who enjoy winter seem mentally unstable.
Right? Some of those winter activities
should get you committed.
It's like, "Look, we love you, we're just worried.
I mean, yesterday we caught you
walking through the woods with tennis rackets
tied to your feet.
This morning, we saw you sweeping the frozen lake.
What's next? You sitting in a sled
being pulled by dogs?
Get some help."
Oh, I did one of those genetic tests.
I was surprised to find out I'm all Asian.
You do learn things from those genetic tests.
Like I discovered I wasted 100 bucks.
[laughter]
They send you information. Mine just said,
"Dude, you're white.
In fact, you're
I hope you feel guilty."
They didn't even break down my nationality.
They just highlighted all the British Isles.
They're like, "You're trash from here.
Wherever people need sunscreen."
But what do we expect to learn from these genetic tests?
Like, "Oh, my gosh! I'm related to my ancestors!"
We're only gonna find out bad news.
You see it in the commercials.
I thought I was Italian, but it ends up,
my great-grandma was a whore.
[laughter]
So I guess I'm Eastern European.
Sometimes people think I'm saying
Eastern Europeans are whores and...
I am. No.
My point is, only good family news
is passed along.
Like, if your great-grandfather was Abraham Lincoln,
you'd already know that,
but if your great-grandfather was the town drunk,
your grandpa's likely to go, "Uh, I don't remember.
I think he worked in a bar.
Chief gutter inspector."
I do know I have some Irish ancestry,
but, apparently, the Irish didn't keep great records
'cause, well, draw your own conclusion.
Something tells me they weren't busy sunbathing.
I'm Irish, but I have blonde hair.
Supposedly, the only reason the Irish
have blonde or red hair is 'cause the Vikings invaded,
pillaged, and probably other stuff.
Those Vikings, the Scandinavians,
I don't know if you've been to Sweden,
it's like a whole country of Scarlett Johanssons.
If I was in Ireland at that time, I would've been,
"Oh, no, some Viking ladies coming to pillage me.
I guess I'll hide on this bed covered in rose petals.
Hopefully she can help me put together that table.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]