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I'm dr. David snart
I am the director of the marriage and
family health center in Evergreen
Colorado I am the author of passionate
marriage and more recently intimacy and
desire
love is probably one of the most complex
emotions I think human beings have it
means lots of different things to people
different people it means lots of
different things to different people and
for a whole lot of people it's simply a
feeling that they have what they're used
to thinking about is romantic love where
you can think straight you aren't
completely preoccupied with this other
person and unfortunately a lot of people
are expecting that's what's going to
happen once they get married and
marriage requires an entirely different
kind of experience so perhaps the people
who were dating this Valentine's Day
they have one view of it but loving
somebody is a very active process love
is not just the feeling you have it's
supposed to accrue to the benefit of the
loved one so you have to be strong
enough to love and we've done a lot of
research on our website and it turns out
that there are a whole lot of people
that find it pretty hard to keep love
going alive in an ongoing relationship
I don't think it's just the first love I
think what the difference is is the very
beginning of love so that romantic
infatuation is what a lot of people
think of as love that's what they're
trying to rekindle but that's done by
the most primitive part of your brain
it's actually done by the reptilian
brain and it is definitely time limited
mother nature has this worked out that
you couldn't possibly stay in that state
because you can sleep you can't eat and
nobody has time to take out the garbage
so there's a different kind of romantic
love it's the kind that we actually help
couples get which is a much more
personal love when people first get
together that's basically love between
strangers you not only know don't know
this you not only don't know this other
person you hardly know yourself but when
people are together for years marriage
teaches you more about yourself than you
usually want it to know and in the
process you also get to know your
partner very often better than they want
to be known and that's when real mature
love comes into play so it's quite
different being in an emotionally
committed relationship a lot of people
think that marriage or an ongoing
relationship kills the very thing that
they got married for which is love
companionship insects and so what we
help people do is really rekindle love
through the process of marriage itself
marriage is a lot tougher than people
anticipate marriage is a people growing
machine and so if you go through that
process but we find is couples often
have difficulty with sex and intimacy in
the process of getting a relationship
going and unfortunately a whole lot of
people bail out but we encourage people
to have a very different view of what
relationships are and if you go through
gridlock and the difficulties that
couples have the process itself often
makes you mature enough to have the best
sex of your life particularly as you get
older that's when people really learn
about love
well up to now the guidelines for
marriage or keeping a relationship going
is communicate communicate communicate
and we end up telling people you can't
stop communicating it took the human
race over a million years to learn to
communicate and it's not going to stop
because you and your partner aren't
getting along but differentiation is
really simply saying that the processes
of growth what makes human beings grow
up and truly become adult are built into
emotionally committed relationships
that's what differentiation is
differentiation is the process of
becoming a whole human being where you
can stand on your own two feet
even when you with your partner and
standing on your own two feet even when
you're horizontal
meaning you can hold on to yourself and
most people don't really understand that
marriages are people growing machines
mother nature has this worked out pretty
good over the last million years and all
you have to do is fall in love and
become a couple and that will teach you
the process of learning to hold on to
yourself and validating yourself
learning to regulate your own anxiety
not getting over reactive and tolerating
pain for growth so we have broken this
very complex scientific process called
differentiation down to these four basic
points and these are absolutely
necessary if you're going to keep love
alive if you're going to keep sex
interesting and if you're going to have
children
I think it would be
to say that sexes of good barometer
because for most people when you're
battling out the Wars of personal
development the Wars of do I belong to
you or do I belong to me sex usually
suffers but there are people for whom
they can be battling things out and sex
doesn't deteriorate one iota but that's
not really something good these are two
people who are very often so out of
contact with each other and also sex
isn't connected to anything personal
that they can be in the middle of World
War three and when it's time to take off
their clothes they can just go ahead and
I won't say that they have a good time
but they can certainly go through the
act there are a lot of us when we're
battling out the Wars of
self-development sex suffers and it
should if you're gonna have sex be
personal if you're gonna have sex be
related to how you feel about yourself
and how you feel about each other
then when you hit the Wars of
Independence which are built into
emotionally committed relationships yes
sex usually does suffer but a lot of
people think that that means that
marriage kills sex I think it's just a
period that people go through that
nobody anticipates and you go through
that you come out the other side you're
usually a more solid whole person who is
more capable of loving on life's terms
and we often find that sex goes on to be
the best of people's lives
the best tip that I think we could give
somebody is to you have to learn to hold
on to yourself if you want the
opportunity to hold on to your partner
that's what nobody expects everybody
expects their partner to prop themselves
up and what a lot of people don't
realize is we're human being is we don't
like having sex we constantly have to
prop up we like a partner who can stand
on their own two feet as long as we can
tell them when it's time to do that so I
think one of the primary tips to give
people is to help them get a much more
realistic view of the pattern of
marriage and that gives you hope when
you're having a difficult time we did
some very interesting research now we've
had over 14,000 people take a survey
that we've been doing and it turns out
that about 85% of people say that either
their sex is dead comatose and in danger
of dying or at the very least leading
wake-up call and just knowing that
that's what normal sex looks like that
there's not something wrong with you in
that it's not a biological drive or
you're going to have desire if you're in
love that's one thing that is real
important that helps people but then
we've also developed a different
activities that people can do that also
tend to rekindle passion one of them is
what we call heads on pillows where both
partners lie on their side you can have
your clothes on or off each person puts
their head on the pillow and you both
get your heads far enough apart that
your partner doesn't look like a cyclops
and you just gaze and there's a whole
lot of people that they have the feeling
of I know why you'd want to have sex
with me but after all these years why
would you want to look at me why do you
still love me and I think that's one of
the great mysteries of love that most of
us find that that we don't believe that
we would be truly loved if we were truly
known and that's one of the miracles of
love to be able to lie in bed looking at
each other being in each other's arms
and to stop all the rubbing and all the
different things that people do and just
take the
time to be together for a whole lot of
people that's enough to bring tears to
their eyes when they realize that this
is really really personal
well I think the lingerie manufacturers
and the candy producers they love the
idea of Valentine's Day and I think
probably we could all use a little
wake-up call once in a while not to take
our partner for granted but for a whole
lot of couples it really focuses their
attention on what they don't have they
know that they can buy all the candy
they can buy Frederick's of Hollywood
and it doesn't instill passion in some
ways it instills anger for a lot of
people you give them a negligee and the
reaction is why you don't like my body
or you think I'm gonna do something I
wouldn't do because you bought me a box
of candy and there's tremendous pressure
to that's supposed to be the night
everybody's supposed to have sex and
some people have sex I think a lot of
people have big fights because it
basically makes people realize what they
don't have not that it has to be that
way a lot of people have the feeling of
once desire or passion or love dies it's
dead you can't rekindle that and that's
the exact opposite of what we found all
around the world we found that people
are really hungry for something that can
make sex personal that can make love not
go back to the beginning of the
relationship but to have love and
passion on an entirely new basis on the
basis of you know each other and you've
gone through difficult times you've had
children which is hard or you've had
deaths in the family or now people in
the economic recession that's these are
really tough times and this either blows
people apart or it brings them together
in going through those kinds of
experiences I think make people strong
enough to love on life's terms and
that's that's tough
if you take a look at the earliest Kuna
formed tablets you will find that people
were looking for aphrodisiacs way back
when nobody's really found one all the
drug companies now want to be the first
and they're using the miracles of modern
science to try to come up with something
I think if you like chocolate and you
eat chocolate you're probably gonna you
know be happier when you're having sex
but no there's no way to overpower the
human brain and that's why people have
been looking for aphrodisiacs for
thousands of years people have been
looking to beat the system somehow in in
the new book that we published intimacy
and desire the whole first part of the
book is about a fact that it's stunning
because it's true all around the world
and nobody pays attention to it and
that's the idea that the low desire
partner always control sex not because
they're mean not because they're
withholding it's simply after a while
the high desire partner makes all the
initiations and low desire partner
decides which one they'll accept and
that gives the low desire partner into
facto control of sex and that's why
people want aphrodisiacs they want to
beat the system they want to find a way
to make that low desire want sex when
they really don't instead of an
aphrodisiac being nice to your partner
works a lot better okay and that's tough
in marriage and dealing with things like
the low desire partner always control
sex and in half the couples we see it's
the man
so the stereotype of it's the woman
who's going to be as low desire partner
and the man's going to be the high
desire partner that's simply not the
case this is not gender specific but
couples where the man is the low desire
partner that's tough for the man and the
woman because it goes against gender
roles but the whole idea of just it pays
to be nice to your partner then you
don't have to buy them candy you are the
sweet in their life you can't just do
that for
valentine's day or for any of the
holidays or simply for their birthday
traveling doesn't help a lot of people
think oh if we go on vacation that's
going to do it and the pressure is
enormous when people go on vacation to
have sex so I my suggestion to your
colleague who was interested in
aphrodisiacs the suggestion is you're
playing with a system a lot bigger than
you that's been refined over countless
hundreds of thousands about millions of
couples and so it's worked out that you
have to learn to be able to stand on
your own two feet you have to not take
what your partner is always doing
personally you have to not overreact and
you have to go through tough times and
those are the kinds of things that
really instill long-term passion
I'm laughing because you're mentioning
political views as sort of being the
deal-breaker
almost all couples polarize you know you
can polarize over politics but you can
also polarize over things that you can't
agree to disagree the lovely thing about
our country is you can agree to disagree
so one person can be Republican and one
person can be Democrat but they each
have a choice of what they're going to
do there are so many things in marriage
that are forced choice and you can't
agree to disagree which is the common
the common suggestion that that people
should agree to disagree you can't agree
to disagree about whether you're going
to have sex tonight you can't agree to
disagree about whether you're going to
have a baby you can't agree to disagree
about whether you're going to save and
spend the same dollar and so politics is
really we haven't found to be that the
real deal breaker because everybody can
sort of do what they want and it's
different strokes for different folks
but marriage isn't about opinions
marriage is about making decisions it's
not just about feelings when we're just
dealing with feelings everybody's
entitled to their choice but we call
these two choice dilemmas and there are
many many things in marriage as I said
you cannot agree to disagree and so this
is how marriage is really one of the
great lesson teachers cuz you either try
to over your overpower your partner or
you try to steal their choice or you
learn to control yourself
and it teaches you that if you want sex
and love to stay alive you have to make
room for somebody else in your marriage
and a lot of us wish that we were
married to somebody who was more like us
except that most of us would not want to
be married to ourselves so that's the
two choice dilemma if you have somebody
who is just like you usually have a
boring marriage and if you have somebody
who is different than you as most of us
are
then you have to put up with a lot of
strain and stress to turn what looks
like a deficit into a real asset and
diversity is one of the things that
really keeps love insects and intimacy
alive so you have to be careful what you
ask for when you're walking away from an
argument then you're thinking to
yourself why couldn't this person be
more like me we usually pick partners
that are different that from ourselves
because we want someone who is going to
counterbalance us one of the great one
of the great rules of marriage though is
people get divorced for the same reason
they got married so this trait that you
loved about your partner when you first
got together that's the one that drives
you crazy five years in
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