Today I bring you the most beautiful love story ever told.
It's like Twilight but way better.
It takes place on TLC's-
"The Learning Channel".
[A few knowledgeable clips with very inspirational music]
There's a show called 90 Day Fiancé, which is such a wonderful premise.
A couple brings their partner over on a visitor's visa to the United States for 90 days,
and they have to decide before that visa expires if they're going to get married and get a green card.
Now as far as I'm aware the premise of the show is actually illegal, 'cause me and Hila, as you guys know,
have been through this process, and it's illegal to bring someone over to the United States
for the intention of getting married and getting a green card,
so I'm not actually even quite sure if what they're doing is legal, but I'll tell you what,
it sure is entertaining.
[gasp]
Bitch.
I will get your [bleep]ing ass deported!
[Ouch]
[Ethan] The Learning Channel.
With that being said, let's get right the eff into it.
[Ouch]
[rap music playing]
My name is Jorge, I'm 27 years old.
I have a business growing and cultivating medical marijuana.
The guy sells weed. How cool can you get? I mean, seriously,
[rap music]
Everything was going well, and then it all changed when I met Anfisa.
When I first saw Anfisa online I was just like, "wow!" I knew she was my dream girl.
[Ethan] I was like "Wow, I have never seen anyone on Instagram
that was somewhat attractive with fake boobs before."
There definitely is a - thousands of millions of girls like that on Instagram.
"Ooooh, I instantly knew that she was one of a kind."
I brought Anfisa to the US on a K-1 Visa,
but when Anfisa got here there was a whole lot that I didn't know about her
so I had to learn it the hard way.
[tense music]
What the [bleep]?
She... keyed "idiot" into the driver side door.
She broke phones...
Plural.
I tried calling her and she uh... she erased my phone.
That she's very controlling,
I can't talk. I'll call you back and- [Anfisa] No!
[tense chord]
She's insane, man, she's ruining my life, but have you seen her tits?
Have you seen those jugs? She's my dream girl!
It doesn't matter that she's destroying my life.
See, this is why I don't like this whole gold digger thing: that it portrays women as, like,
these sluts who just want to get paid.
It's like, dude you know that about her. You're just saying that she's ruining your life, but you're so thirsty for it
She's your dream girl, you love it. Don't act like you don't love it boy, you like getting dug.
Check it out.
Being with Anfisa, I severed ties with friends and family.
It makes me feel lonely.
"I severed ties with everybody I know, I'm so lonely!"
Meanwhile, "I'll do anything for a pair of fake tits!"
I've got an idea,
Use your money, get yourself a pair of fake tits, get yourself some implants,
and then you don't have to be lonely anymore. You can be with your friends and family,
you can follow your own fake tits and you're being a bit- I mean you're already got like a C-cup,
that's a fat joke, come on get rid-
We can, joke about weight, all right? I got some big tits.
I'm just saying, I will get- I would lov- I would suck on his tit. I will literally suck on his tit. He's my dream girl.
[some music]
You look beautiful today.
Where were you?
Getting ready.
You wanted your wife to be pretty?
Of course I did.
Now that is a model, exceptional exchange of a healthy relationship, right off the bat.
"Where were you?"
As if she, like, ran outside really quick, out of the hotel room and went and fucked a dude and then came back real fast.
You wanted your wife to be pretty?
"You want your wife to be beautiful, don't you?"
"Of course. That's the whole point of this relationship, for you to be my doll".
So you're basically saying that you're just dating me because I can buy you things.
Yes.
...saying that you're just dating me bec-
[distorted voice] Yes.
I know that this video keeps trying to portray Jorge as the victim, but I have to say,
she's very upfront about being with him because she thinks he's rich
and that he'll buy her everything, so one's being honest and one's being- is being a buffoon.
You know what, I don't think she's a gold digger, I think he's a tit digger.
He's trying to dig in them titties and he's not paying the price.
My name is Anfisa, I'm 20 years old. I'm from Moscow, Russia.
Since we've been married she threatens to leave me everyday
but so far she hasn't done it.
So far.
I guess she's got to be with you for like 90 days to get her visa
"I guess she loves me!"
It's pretty much just like human trafficking
but legal and also televised.
"I guess she still loves me."
[Anfisa] Jorge and I met online
Jorge said that he was rich, so I responded.
Boom. Right there. Right off the bat. "He said he was rich".
"So I responded to him."
[Anfisa] But Jorge didn't deliver on his promises to buy me nice things.
So we do require 60% down-
About twenty thousand today.
Yeah.
Obviously I don't have 20,000 in cash right now.
So it's not my problem.
[Jorge whimpers]
You keep wanting more and more.
Like, when is the end?
Never.
[Confused stare]
Never.
It's never over. It's never over. She's literally telling you to your face, "I will suck you dry of every penny you have"
and meanwhile he's like, "Oh my God, she just wants more and more, I don't know what to do."
"She's such a gold digger, let's call her a gold dig-" No, you're an idiot, dude.
We went through a lot, and I didn't have the support of my family, which was pretty hard.
Honestly, I believe that she thought she was coming here to the US,
and that you were going to give her every single thing that she asked for.
[Jorge] Yeah... but-
That's what happens when you pay for somebody to spread their legs.
I knew my family would have advised against me marrying Anfisa, but I still did it anyways.
I know that my, family, my doctor, my therapist, random people passing us on the street, my best friend, my dog
doesn't like her, all said don't marry her, but you know what? I did it anyway.
By the way, did I mention she's a gold digger?
Do you take this beautiful woman to be your wife today?
I do.
And do you take him to be your husband?
Yes, I do.
I now pronounce you, husband, and wife. You may kiss your bride.
We've been married for six months and-
It feels good.
Why are you saying like that?
How?
I hate being married to Jorge.
And we're off to a good start.
I gotta say, six months is impressive.
That's like, 20 years and the time that they've spent together - 6 months.
"I hate being married to Jorge." He's like-
that's nice. That's nice. Honestly that feels good. That's a lot nicer than what- how she usually treats me
I am coming back!
NOW!!!
She's scary, she's a lunatic but at the same time he's the one that chose to marry. He brought her from Russia.
What he did is he basically took TNT, lit the wick and duct-taped it to his cock.
So am I supposed to blame the TNT that's about to explode or the guy who taped it to his cock and was like, "This is a good idea"?
Yes, she's insane. I know that.
But she literally just said to his face while she's waiting for a green card - "I hate being married to you."
That's honest. That's fucking honest, dude. And he's just like "yep!"
Yep, everything is going good.
This neighborhood looks pretty nice.
Disgusting!
Bro, imagine driving around with that. Every time you try to be positive, "Hey, this neighborhood's not bad, is it?"
"DISGUSTING!"
He's just like, "This is going great."
Since we've gotten married, Anfisa wanted a house.
So today we're gonna meet up with the realtor because she's not happy in this little apartment.
We need to get a bigger place.
This dude sounds like Kermit the Frog if he ate Miss Piggy.
[dances]
Fat jokes are coming back. Don't be so sensitive about it! I'm fat, everybody gets fat, okay?
FAT JOKES ARE COMING BACK!
I THINK FAT JOKES ARE FUNNY AND I'M NOT GOING TO STOP TELLING FAT JOKES!
SO IF YOU SOUND LIKE KERMIT THE FROG, DO NOT EAT MISS PIGGY OR YOU WILL BE MADE FUN OF!
FAT PEOPLE ARE ONE OF THE FUNNIEST GENRES OF HUMAN BEINGS ON THIS PLANET!
I'm really worried about where the realtor is taking us today because what Anfisa wants is way out of the price range.
I told my realtor that my budget was anything under 5,000 but she told me that this house was a little more than that.
I can't wait to move somewhere else. I hate our tiny apartment.
It looks poor.
I have to give props to this girl who's so entitled to live large,
who doesn't have seemed to have worked a day in her life.
"It looks poor" but I mean at the same time, she does have big fake titties,
so, I mean, the world is really her oyster at that point, so she did accomplish that.
Is this the house?
[stares at the house]
Holy shit! This is a castle!
Dude, of course you can't afford that! Why'd you even step into that? Okay, Your Majesty.
"Oh, I don't know if I could afford this house; it looks like a FUCKING castle!"
[megaphone] I guess the fat may have gone to his brain, dude.
Maybe if you ate less Taco Bell, you could afford a nicer house, dude-
[Microphone cuts off] I don't know. I don't know.
The mic was like, "Eesh."
Dude, enough with the fat jokes.
So... driving up to the house...
I was really blown away.
It looks like a castle, but I could already tell it's out of my budget.
This guy is the best, isn't he? He's the greatest.
[Realtor] Hi Jorge! Hi Anfisa!
[Jorge] Hey, nice to see you again. [Realtor] Come on in!
Well, welcome to your mini chateau. This home is 5 bedroom, 5 bath so it is quite large.
This is more of a life I expected when I moved here to United States.
Here you have a barbecue as well as an English garden with its own fountain. It has a private gazebo area-
Bro, you do not have gazebo money.
You- you know you don't have gazebo money. Go to Zillow right now, you can see-
"Oh, there's a gazebo in the backyard? Sorry babe, we can't afford that."
It has its own fireplace and it's nice and spacious.
[Jorge] This is probably just as big as the apartment that we were-
[Realtor] Well, there you go. You're definitely upgrading a little bit then.
Yeah, you're definitely upgrading a little bit then. From an apartment to a castle to a chateau.
[Jorge] So already I can see that Anfisa is really liking this house.
I promised her - the life here in America - but I don't know if it's something I could afford.
Then why did you promise it, you tit-diving piece of crap?
You're making her look like a bitch.
Which she is, but she's an honest bitch and you're -
You're a dishonest bitch!
So you just said it yourself; you promised her the life and she moves in- you're just a broke-ass dude!
Sorry man, you don't deserve those fat titties, dude. You have nothing in your life to deserve those fat,
Fake-ass frickin titties. Titties and all, going all different directions and shit.
Man, I'm telling you those things are BOLTED on.
The monthly payment on this home is $7,800.
He can definitely afford it. You could see in his face, how he reacted - no problem, no sweat.
I promised you the life, baby, and you're gonnno stop, with all the fancy talk just tell m... just level with me can Bank account can i afford this place yes or no stop, with all the fancy talk just tell m... just level with me can
Bank account can i afford this place yes or no stop, with all the fancy talk just tell m... just level with me can
"Stop with all the fancy talk. Just help- just level with me."
Can you afford this?
you, afford this
I Mean, in order for me to rent a house in this budget range i would need a little bit of extra time to get some I Mean in order for me to rent a house in this budget range i would need a little bit of extra time to get some
I Mean in order for me to rent a house in this budget range i would need a little bit of extra time to get some
money together.
How much time do you need?
I don't know, to be honest with you. It could be a month, two months from now.
I think, what happened- she's not actually upset in a way that he can't afford it, she's upset that he lied to her
in a way, 'cause she's like, "Can you afford this?" like, "Just tell me the truth, can you afford this?"
"You told me you're rich." I mean the guy's lying out his teeth since the moment he met her.
That's not a great way to start a relationship.
And listen to him, "Yeah I can afford it, just give me a couple months, baby."
"I've got $25. I don't think that gets us in the door today but in a couple of months I'll have a couple hundred
and then we could probably negotiate."
"And at the very least, we'll be able to sublease that gazebo, have that all to ourselves."
"So, we definitely have at least that to look forward to."
"Sleeping bags. It's going to be really magical."
Just as I predicted, here's this video of him saying, "Not only am I not rich,
but I'm in debt."
I'm not a millionaire. I'm just trying to be honest with you.
In fact, in all honesty, I am in a little debt.
(Scoffs) What?
It's kind of a perfect marriage. They got exactly what they wanted.
She wanted a rich husband, who gave her everything she wanted.
She got Kermit the Frog, who ate Miss Piggy, and he wanted a bimbo wife that just loved him for who he was
and have big fake tits.
And that's all he cared about, and what did he get? Pretty much that, except that she hates his guts.
In a weird way, it's kind of a beautiful, loving marriage and after a couple years,
I'm happy to say that it's all worked out.
[Jorge] I think you're too immature to- to know this.
So what?
Wait, never mind. No, she left him. She definitely left him.
Oh yeah, and every fairy tale has a happy ending. He also got arrested for weed.
The only thing I can confirm is that I was arrested.
The grass is always greener, guys. There's always an Instagram model with bigger, faker tits.
There's always a guy with more chateau money.
My advice to you, is love the one you're with because when those tits deflate,
and all you're left is with some flabby pancakes with a little melted butter at the bottom,
you're gonna have to love what's behind those flat tires, you know what I mean?
I hope that does something for you.
[dances]
[lit outro music]