The saddest thing
about being a grown-up
is that you don't realize that you
get to do all the stuff you wanted
to do when you were a little kid.
Right?
Like everybody's so miserable
because they don't count
their blessings.
(audience laughing)
Right?
Like we get to eat whatever we want
to eat whenever we want to.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Like, tomorrow morning you guys
could just have ice cream
for breakfast.
All right.
Don't judge me.
I'm going to say--
I'm going to open up my heart again.
Ice cream for breakfast.
Think back to when you were a kid.
This-- OK.
I grew up in the 1980s.
- Yeah.
- It was a much simpler time, right?
Before Ben met Jerry, ice cream
wasn't that sophisticated.
You essentially had three flavors.
You had chocolate, vanilla,
strawberry, that's it.
If you went to somebody's house
and they had mint chocolate chip ice
cream, the green kind, you're like,
whoa, these people must be rich.
Are you guys going to get a pool
next year or maybe an elevator?
Right?
(audience laughing)
And the mint chocolate chip ice
cream had to be green.
It had to be.
Because sometimes they would try
to gyp you off
and it would say mint chocolate chip
ice cream, you open it up
and it was white.
I remember that one time
my little brother was like,
"oh, this is disgusting."
My mom is like, there's nothing
wrong with it.
And he was like, "give it to dad.
"I know dad will it it."
(audience laughing)
Here's the thing, I'm the middle
of three boys.
Food in my house, growing up,
was a valuable commodity.
You had to learn how to eat fast
or there wasn't going to be enough.
So in my house,
it was rules of the jungle.
The older you were, the fatter you
were.
It was that simple.
Because you could eat fast.
Like my dad was fat.
My big brother was fat.
I was chubby.
My poor little brother, Marky,
was so skinny that when he got
excited you could actually see
his heart beat in his chest.
He'd be like, oh, that's awesome.
(audience laughing)
So I remember he was like, "it has
"to be the green mint chocolate chip
"ice cream."
And we'd always try--
And like, you would go to the store,
no mint chocolate chip.
The one time we buy it,
it was white.
And then I remember
this fateful hot summer night,
somewhere in the early 1980s.
And I remember my dad just looked
at me and my brothers.
He was like, "hey, buddies,
"do you feel lucky?"
We're like, what do you mean?
He goes, "let's go to the store.
"Let's see if they have
"the green kind."
We're like, let's do it.
They have mint chocolate chip.
The outside of the box is green.
Everything's going well.
We're like, there's a chance
it could really
be the green delicious kind.
We take it home,
and me and my brothers
are around this half gallon of ice
cream like it was the briefcase
from Pulp Fiction.
You know like, what's in there?
And my fat, big brother is using all
of his fat kid strength
to crank it open with a chisel
like we're breaking into a safe.
And he finally opens it up.
We get blinded by green.
There's Christmas-level joy
in our house.
We're like, ba na ma!
Everybody's eating ice cream.
And I remember my little brother was
like, mommy,
please have a second bowl.
She was like, "OK, Marky."
And then I was like, mom,
may I please have a second bowl?
And she was like, "sweetie,
"you don't need a second bowl."
And I was like, son of a fish,
where's the justice?
And when I was seven, I really
thought the expression was son
of a fish.
I did.
Because my dad would
say it watching football.
He'd be like, "son of a fish,
"hit somebody."
And I'm like, yes, son of a fish.
And he was like, "that's right buddy."
(audience laughing)
I remember when I was nine years
old.
My friend Chris heard me say son
of a fish.
And he was like,
"what did you say to me?"
He was like, "what did you say?"
I'm like, you heard me.
(audience laughing)
Son of a fish.
And he was like, "you know that's not
"the expression?"
I'm like, yeah it is.
And he tried to tell me what he
thought it meant.
And I was like, that doesn't even
make sense.
And he was like, "how does son
"of a fish make sense?"
And I go, it's a papa fish swimming
and his son is not swimming fast
enough.
And he's like, "son of a fish,
"pick up the pace."
That's right.
That's what I thought.
(audience applauding)
So that night I couldn't get
to sleep because there's
this delicious green mint chocolate
chip ice cream.
There's still probably about two
good bowls left in that half gallon.
And I can't get to sleep that night
because I knew something delicious
wasn't going to last.
Marky already had a second bowl.
Chris you always had to watch out
for.
But the person I was really
concerned about was my dad
because he didn't have a bedtime.
He would strike in the middle
of the night like a thief.
We would hear him.
I'm like, are we getting robbed?
And my little brother is like
"Son of a fish, I think that's dad."
And he'd go downstairs and you hear,
"no!
"No!
"Get mom.
"Get mom."
And my mom's like, Marky,
what happened?
He's like, "OK, mom, remember how
"you got me cool ranch doritos
"because I don't like anything else.
A"nd you said, OK, Marky, these will
"be your special treat.
"Well, guess what?
"Dad was eating my special treat
"right in front of me.
"I caught him.
"And I said, but dad,
"mom got me those cool ranch doritos.
"And he just kept on crunching them
"and crunching them.
"I said, dad, look at the bag.
"She even left a note.
"It says, please do not eat.
"Marky's with a smiley face.
"And then he said, don't worry,
"buddy.
"I'll get more.
"And I know that's a lie because dad
"never goes shopping."
(audience laughing)
So I'm just saying,
I didn't want that to happen
(audience laughing)
to the delicious ice cream.
So I remember before I fell asleep,
I went ice cream for breakfast.
I'm a genius.
Now, the next morning, I
was the first kid awake in my house.
Normally, I was always the last kid
awake.
But there was ice cream on the line,
I had to get in there
before my brothers.
And my mom was shocked.
She had her back turned and she was
like, "is that who I think it is?"
And she turns around.
She goes, "good morning, sweetie."
And I'm like, it is a good morning.
How about little ice
cream for breakfast?
And she went, "oh, that's disgusting."
I went, mom, I'm not asking you
to eat it.
I'm asking you to scoop it.
You want to help me out here?
Because I couldn't get
into the freezer, you know?
It's up high.
I remember my mom looked at me.
She said, "honey, you can't have ice
"cream for breakfast."
And I was like, why not?
She was like, "because you need
"to start your day with something
"nutritious."
Like, how about a bowl of apple
jacks?
(audience laughing)
That's bad '80s logic.
It's a bowl of sugar either way.
Because when you're six,
you want the cereal but by the time
you're eight, you're a connoisseur.
What you really want
is that sugar milk from the bottom
of the bowl.
That's Jack Daniels
for an eight-year-old.
You're doing shots before the school
bus.
Like mother love and sugar
milk take away the pain.
Sugar milk.
Right?
(audience laughing)
So I was like, please, mom,
can I have ice cream for breakfast?
She was like, "honey, I'm the adult,
"you're the child.
"If you want to have ice cream
"for breakfast you're going to have
"to wait until you're a grown up."
And I was like oh, I will.
(audience laughing)
Every day.
And then I forgot about it
(audience laughing)
for like 30 years.
And that's when god--
OK.
This is what happened.
I was out on the road,
I didn't have any food
in my apartment.
Like I was working for a couple
of weeks, I come home,
I go to sleep.
I work at the com--
I come back.
The next morning, I wake up starved.
There's no food in my apartment.
But that doesn't stop me
from looking in places where I know
it's not.
Right?
Like I opened up the drawer with just
like Chinese food takeout menus
and batting cage tokens.
I opened up the oven like somebody
put a turkey in there
like in a cartoon like, boop!
I was like, nothing.
Then I opened the freezer.
Now, I don't buy anything frozen.
But I opened the freezer
and there was a brand new pint
of delicious ice cream in there.
And I remember going,
how did that get there?
I think maybe it was my guardian
angel or something because it was
brand new.
There was no spoon scars or nothing.
It was a brand new pint of ice cream
that I didn't put in there.
And I put it back because I remember
thinking well, you can't have ice
cream for breakfast.
And I turned around
and I went or can I?
It's about to go down.
I take out the ice cream.
It's 8:00 in the morning.
Joy is going through my body.
I take out my phone and I hit
Pandora--
that's a random radio station--
Hall & Oates Rich Girl comes on
at that second.
You might not believe in God,
but that's all the evidence I need.
I'm eating ice cream and I hear,
you can rely on the old man's money.
So I was like, I'll give up tomorrow
because right now life is perfect.
It is.
(audience cheering)