why do we have to pretend to be helpless
when we're not
helpless why do we have to pretend to be
sorry when we have
nothing to be sorry about why do we have
to pretend we're not
hungry when we're hungry women are not
allowed to fail
and when we finally get an opportunity
to do something that isn't normally done
by our sex we get
one chance one how come men fail and
people say
you gave it the old college try but
women fail and they say
you gave it the old college try but you
shouldn't be in college there's a new
thing
called a birth control pill have you
heard of it
it's just a little pill and when you
take it you can have sex all you want
and not get pregnant however only
married women are allowed to take it
you know women who don't want to have
sex
who says the food and drug
administration doesn't have a sense of
humor
[Music]
what do you mean big dick jokes you know
what are leprechauns and guys with big
dicks have in common
they're hard to find and incredibly
lucky or his dick was so big the moyle
had to bring a machete
or his dick was bigger than disneyland
better rides too
his dick was so big it wasn't a dick at
all it was a richard
oh his dick was so big even when he
cheated on me his dick
was the bigger dick he said no dick
jokes yeah keep it clean
jump no susie dude you won't i swear
i'll catch you oh you are i will
you're lying just jump don't jump you're
acting like a four-year-old you're
acting like a four-year-old don't jump
to me
you jumped on me no you jumped to me for
the record they said nothing about
paying us in tampa a lifetime supply
but they do this to a man huh where they
pay him whatever a tampon equivalent is
for a guy i don't even have a tampon
equivalent men suck
you look good do not make me cry at the
stage
i don't want you to cry you're
starting to cry i'm not starting to
you are too starting to cry and that's
gonna make me cry there's like
water on my face
those are tears what does this look like
you got a mirror
we're going shopping right now
i have dresses to buy and hats to buy
and
shoes to buy and purses to buy should we
maybe make some money before we go broke
and have to blow job our way across
europe you want some lemonade
no i don't want any lemonade so
look like i'm sitting here thinking
about some goddamn
looking whacking lemonade just
one please
i haven't been anywhere near the beach
and i have sand in my ass that says more
about you than it does about florida
that was a big mistake kid big mistake
oh
oh my god
excuse me sir did you throw a tomato at
me
there is no food and i'm literally
starving miriam
i have to go i just heard the words
potato salad
there's only so much a man can take in
his own house
can i get you anything no rose
i just i just have to let this pass
i'm not wearing pants i need to ask you
something can't ask me from there
no do i need to put on pants yes all
right
even though it's wednesday and
wednesday's the day i stay home and work
without pants
i'll admit that sometimes i tune people
out but mostly because they rarely have
anything useful or interesting to say
i get up at 4 30 every day you know how
much you can accomplish getting up at 4
30 every day no one's bothering you at 4
30 in the morning
it's dark it's quiet no one's calling
you on the telephone
one more shirt there you go believe me
if there's anything you want to get done
that you don't want anyone else to know
about you get up at 4 30 in the morning
to do it
i knew this fella at a jersey cement
business he always said if you want to
kill someone
you do it at 4 30 in the morning
[Music]
yes
[Music]
you know what i am sorry mama i'm sorry
that you are so
disappointed in how my life turned out
i'm sorry that you can't understand the
turn it's taken
i have certainly tried to explain it to
you to include you in it but you don't
want to understand or be included
you just want to be disappointed the
world is
full of disappointments and sometimes
people let you down you can't just
run away and i don't want to be alone
not tonight tonight just for tonight
i really need to be with someone who
loves me
i fell in love with you the moment i
asked you out and you
said no a pointless no first time i laid
eyes on you that was it for me
until you left i never left
i don't know what i did but
i never really left
women aren't funny your wife must have a
sense of humor
she's seen you naked oh
drop my cucumber do i call you or do i
just commit a crime
probably committing a crime would get me
to you quicker this is me and my most
inviting
thank you and good night