-Welcome, welcome, welcome. Enjoy yourself.
Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
You're all here. Thank you for watching at home.
You made it. You look good. Guys, there's some good news.
Today, the World Health Organization
said that the end of the pandemic is in sight.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah, it was quite a scene at the World Health Organization.
After the announcement, all the scientists
just started making out with each other.
It was unbelievable, yeah.
Yep, today Johnson & Johnson was like, "We did it!"
And Pfizer and Moderna were like, "Yeah. We."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, the end of the pandemic is "in sight,"
although I think I'm gonna need more details.
I mean, technically, the Moon is also in sight.
Well, some political news here.
I saw that former president Trump
has officially ruled out Mike Pence
as a running mate in 2024,
saying that Pence would be totally "inappropriate"
after he committed "political suicide."
By the way, I don't think Pence
wants to run with Trump either, you know?
That's like Simon & Garfunkel reuniting
after Simon tried to kill Garfunkel.
You know what I'm saying?
[ Laughter ]
Hey, people are talking about this.
Apparently Trump ally Mike Lindell,
also known as the MyPillow guy,
just had his phone confiscated by the FBI.
Here he is telling the story. This is real.
-The FBI came after me and took my phone.
They surrounded me at a Hardee's,
and they told me not to tell anybody.
Here's an order not to -- "Don't tell anybody."
Okay, I won't. [ Chuckles ] Well, I am.
I've been saying it for a long time now.
Come and arrest me.
I want you to take me in! I want you to take me in!
They weren't -- They were actually nice guys.
[ Laughter ]
-What?
-I can't believe someone paid $800 for that on Cameo.
Interesting.
That's right. The FBI surrounded him at a Hardee's.
Yep, he knew something was up when the intercom was like,
"So that's one burger, one drink,
and step out of the car please, sir."
Good luck to Mike Lindell. I'm not sure you want to go
to jail being known as the MyPillow guy.
Anyway. I don't know.
[ Audience oohs ] -Pillow!
-While he was going through a drive-through at Hardee's.
I mean, I'm a fan. I like Hardee's.
Tariq, do you like Hardee's? -I prefer Arby's.
-Cinnabon? -Nah, son.
-Krispy Kreme? -Dairy Queen.
-Best fries? -Five Guys.
-KFC? -Too greasy.
-Pizza Hut. -You nuts?!
-Mall Sbarro? -Aw, hell no.
-Benihana? -Always wanna.
-Jimmy John's? -Nom-nom-noms.
-Olive Garden? -I beg your pardon?!
-Chuck E. Cheese? -[Bleep] please!
-What about McDonald's? -Always lit.
-♪ Ba-da-ba-ba-ba ♪ -I'm lovin' it.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Moving -- Moving on --
Meanwhile today, guys, President Biden
visited the Detroit Auto Show.
And when he was delivering remarks,
he made sure to keep the audience on their toes.
Watch and listen to this.
-Wow. Okay. Alright. Yeah. You can tell he's at an auto show.
Biden went from zero to 60 in five seconds. You're like...
[Whispering] Guess what. Guess what. We...
[Shouting] $350 billion!
[Normal voice] Okay, okay.
Some business news.
Yesterday the stock market fell nearly 1,300 points,
had its worst day since 2020.
Yeah, yesterday at the Stock Exchange,
instead of the closing bell, they just played this.
[ "Price is Right" loser horn plays ]
Yeah, I read that the CEO of Disney said that they are
working very hard on a sports betting app.
Yeah, and this is nice -- since it's Disney, they'll snap
a photo of you the moment you lost everything.
Yeah, Disney wants to own its sporting betting app.
Yeah, it seems like an odd pairing,
but I guess it explains this I just saw.
-Gawrsh, Mickey! Why so glum, chum?
-I bet 50 G's on the Cowboys!
And when I couldn't pay, they took my thumb.
-Well, maybe next time, bet with your head and not over it!
-Yeah, thanks for the heads-up, you dumb mother...
[ Laughter ]
-Just odd. Odd thing I just saw.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I thought it was... -Wow. Inappropriate.
-Some -- Some more business news.
Ferrari just unveiled its first-ever four-door car.
Yeah, right now people who own Ferraris are like,
"Oh, if only I had three friends."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Oh. Thank you. -Wow.
[ Laughter ]
-Thank you. -That hit home.
-Well, listen to this. A Japanese tech company
created a Bluetooth mouthpiece
that mutes your voice from people around you.
And I know what you're thinking. "It's probably some clunky,
weird piece of technology that no one will ever want to use."
Well, you're right.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, I saw that New York might start
putting warning labels on sugary drinks,
and there's also a rumor
that they might put warning labels on people.
I'll give you some examples. Here's what they're considering.
First there's...
[ Laughter and applause ]
"I'm ready."
Check out this one. It says...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Then there's...
[ Laughter and applause ]
And finally, there's...
There you go. We have a great show.