He's seeing you regularly,
you're sleeping with him.
He's acting like a boyfriend.
But he's not your boyfriend.
Welcome to one of the world's most
common dating dilemmas.
Join me on this Love U Podcast
to discover how to avoid this trap
in the future and ensure that any
man you're sleeping with is your
boyfriend first.
I'm Evan Marc Katz, Dating Coach for
Smart, Strong, Successful Women and
your personal trainer for love.
Welcome to the Love U Podcast.
Stick around to discover why
you keep finding yourself dating
men who don't want to commit.
When we're done, I'll let you know
how you could apply to Love U and
create a passionate relationship
that makes you feel safe, heard, and
understood.
And today we're going to lead with a
story about a real Love U client.
All the stories about real Love U
clients.
Her name is Melissa.
She's attractive, lives here
in California.
And like a lot of people
come to me, though.
But, they don't exactly listen to my
advice. I mean, they listen to my
advice and they hear and I can it
kind of makes sense. But, Melissa
was a Love U student who decided to
do things her way and her way
was meeting a guy online.
She liked him.
He showed her interest.
She was attracted to him.
So she slept with him some time,
maybe on my fourth date or
something. And then she just kept
sleeping with him
and sleeping with him and sleeping
with him. And then sometime about
six weeks in she said to me,
I'm feeling really uneasy about my
relationship and
I'm not sure what to do.
And I said I'm not going to
judge you for the choices you made.
You know, I generally don't
recommend that women sleep with men
unless they're in a committed
relationship.
Given that you've
made the choice that you made after
six weeks, it seems that he's not
really looking for that.
So you're going to go elsewhere.
So I was telling her to dump him.
I'm big on dumping.
She's like, "no, I don't want to do
that." So she keeps on seeing him
and he's doing everything right.
Is, for all intents and purposes,
acting almost like a boyfriend.
I'm not saying he's a bad guy,
but when she confronted him at six
weeks, he was hedgy.
He was saying things like, "I'm not
sure." Actually, I now remember
he said that he doesn't
choose whether someone's a
girlfriend for three months.
So he said that to her.
He set a boundary.
I will not make a girlfriend
decision for three months.
One of my clients generally is like
"all right, see ya." You've got all
the information you need to decide
if you want to be his girlfriend.
My client says, "all right.
I think I'm just gonna keep seeing
him." So she keeps sleeping
with him.
And then three months go by and
she's like, I'm feeling really
uneasy about this relationship.
I was like we had this conversation
six weeks ago.
"Yeah, but now I'm really starting
to fall for him." I was like, "yeah,
I know. That's kind of what I saw
coming in the future." You need to
have a conversation that has some
teeth, you are not trying to
negotiate to convince someone to be
your boyfriend. You have to decide
whether you want a guy
who has already expressed
ambivalence about being your
boyfriend and ambivalence about ever
getting married again.
So my client has
another conversation that's a
relatively ineffectual conversation.
And the guy is like, "yeah, I mean,
I guess we're exclusive.
I mean, sure.
I mean, I don't use the word
boyfriend, but I use the word
boyfriend. That's fine."
So my client gets what
she wants. Melissa gets what she
wants. The dating coach is wrong,
but am I really wrong?
Did she really get what she wants?
She got a man
who is enjoying seeing her, getting
all the benefits of being a boyfriend
who didn't really want the title.
Who set his boundary that he
didn't want to make a selection?
He expressed concern
about commitment in the future.
She got him
to take down his profile
after three months
and agree to be her boyfriend.
But is she in a position of power?
Should she be confident that they're
on the marriage track?
I don't think so.
So she graduated with Love U.
She learned a lot.
But she did not take any
of my advice.
And as far as I know, the
last time we spoke, which was when
she graduated they were together and
they were together for three or four
months or something like that.
And I hope it works out.
But I would not be at all surprised
if the relationship
where the ambivalent man expressed
his ambivalence at
the beginning ends up not turning
out to be the love of her life when
she's in her mid-thirties and wants
to have kids.
And these are things that all could
have been avoided
if you go right back to the very
beginning where you start sleeping
with someone who doesn't want to be
your boyfriend, who has expressed
a desire to be in a relationship,
who has mentioned marriage.
The guys who like you, the guys who
want love, marriage, and commitment,
talk about it.
The guys who don't
talk about it generally don't want
it. Take that as your wake up call.
If you find that you're the woman
who's constantly sleeping with men,
seeing men who are
active on dating sites and never use
the word boyfriend, it's because
you're choosing to keep on dating
them instead of cutting your losses.
And you could stop that right now.
Got it.
Good.
My name is Evan Marc Katz.
Thank you for tuning into the Love U
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Thank you. And I'll talk to you
soon.