Hey there, this is clay and this video is going to be on. Is it desperate to text your ex first?
And this is, um, something that a lot of people seem to think again, there are a
lot of relationship coaches out there that will tell you that, you know, you need to just wait
for your ex to make the first move they broke up with you. So they should be the one to make the
first move here. And sure, maybe in some sort of philosophical sense, that makes sense. But, uh,
I like to deal with reality. And, um, honestly, in reality, if, if you want to talk to your ex and
they're not talking to you right now, um, you need to be the one to make the first move. He's fine.
If you just want to wait forever and ever, and you just want to wait for them to make the first move,
but you might be waiting a very long time. And so if you want something to happen,
you're going to need to be willing to make that first move. Okay. Does that make you
desperate or needy? Obviously not like it's totally okay to initiate contact with someone.
Now, there are different ways to do it. Of course you can initiate contact with someone
in a desperate needy sort of way, or you can do it in a totally calm, casual, cool sort of way.
Right. Um, there's, there's something that's way, way, way different than like, you know,
Hey, I miss you. I love you. I still want to get back together with you. Like, obviously
that is probably gonna come across a little bit too heavy for most people out there. And
it would be what probably people call desperate or needy, whereas something that's just simply like,
oh, Hey, I was out. And I saw this interesting thing that, that is somehow
related to the two of us. Um, and I just had to send this to you.
Um, something as simple as that is obviously not going to be seen as desperate needy.
So what we want to do, especially if you and your ex haven't been in contact for a while
is to start by, um, just keeping the investment level relatively low. So there's two levels of
investment. There's your level of investment. And then there's, uh, their level invest. I,
I usually use two hands and I explain this, but I'm holding my camera here. Um, but, uh,
my phone here, um, but basically you want to make sure that your level of investment isn't too high,
as long as their level of investment is, is pretty low. So obviously if your
level investment is high and their level of investment is low, then that's when things
start to come across as desperate and needy. So what we want to do is to, to keep our levels of
investment more or less equal, obviously they're never going to be totally 100%
equal. Sometimes you might be invested a little bit more. Sometimes they might be invested a
little bit more, but hopefully it's not going to be too, um, over-invested one way or the other.
So what we want to do, especially if we're just getting started from basically not
being in contact is to just taking investment level from like, okay, we're not in contact to,
you know, Hey, I'm not like super invested in this, but let's just get in contact.
So that's why something like, oh, Hey, I saw that your favorite band is coming to town. And just
wanted to let you know they're going to be here on this date, very low investment, definitely not
needy, definitely not desperate. Um, and it kind of actually shows that, okay, I'm friendly.
I'm not going out of my way to try to, you know, point my finger at you and blame you for some
sort of terrible thing. In fact, I'm offering you this peace offering of just trying to put a smile
on your face and just letting you know that, um, Hey, this, this band that you like is going to
be in town. Um, and so something like that can be a really cool way to, to get back in contact with
your ex in a non desperate sort of way. Now obviously, um, desperation and neediness is,
is really subjective, right? So who actually would decide if you were being desperate and needy,
that's a, that's a big question. Something that you might want to think about who decides if
you're being desperate and needy, is it your ex? Is it you? Is it some other person? Is it me?
Is it what your friends and family would think, start asking yourself that who decides what's
desperate needy typically? Um, if you're desperate needy it's because you're seeking some sort of
validation from someone else outside of yourself first and foremost, most if their response
is going to determine whether you're desperate needy, then I think you're already set yourself
up to lose, right from the get-go of course they might respond really positively and you might have
a great interaction, but, uh, you know, we can't guarantee that that's going to be what happens.
So, um, what we want to do is we want to say, okay, how can I set myself up so that I win
no matter how this conversation goes, no matter how this, um, this, this dialogue goes between
the two of us. Um, and so that's where it makes a lot of sense to start asking yourself, okay,
what's most important to me in this situation? Is it actually taking a chance and saying like,
okay, this relationship was worth it, this relationship was worth taking a bet on this
relationship was worth taking a chance on if so then, like that's not really desperate and needy
that's that's usually saying like, okay, this is something that's important to me. And it makes
sense for me to try to, to move myself into alignment with it. You know, you want to start
thinking about what's important to you. What, why, why are you here, right? Are you here to just
get the praise and approval of everyone else in your life? If so, then that's a really poor
way to go about living your life. And you're probably going to come across as desperate,
needy, and lots of situations, and everyone else is going to be able to judge you. Everyone
else is going to be able to control how you feel and how you're perceived, because you're
not in alignment with your own values. However, if you are in alignment with your
own values and you know that this relationship is important to you, then you're probably going
to make the right choices for yourself. And honestly, you're probably not going to care if
other people are going to see you as desperate and needy. That's the thing when it comes to
living into your values is you really don't care as much about what other people think. Obviously,
you're probably going to, um, take note about how you're affecting other people by how you're
bringing yourself to your interactions, but you're not going to care so much in terms of whether
or not people like you, whether or not you're perceived this way or that way, because you're
more invested in yourself than you are in someone else's opinion of. And that's really an important
thing to keep in mind throughout all of this is I want you to really be more invested in yourself
than in someone else's opinion of you. This is something that's, that's like really key,
uh, desperation and neediness. It's, it's all subjective. It's something that, that, uh, we give
other people the power to label us as, or we get to choose our own set of goalposts in terms
of what desperation and neediness is. And if you want to choose your own definition of desperation,
neediness, and choose to live into values that are greater than that, then awesome. Go ahead
and do that. That's fine. Like, I want you to live into your values, but I don't want you to
be surrendering your power to other people and to let other people decide if you're desperate
or if you're needy or anything like that. Because ultimately you're the only one who gets to live
with the consequences of what happens in your life. You're the only one that gets to live, um,
with the consequences and outcomes of either being in a relationship, not being in a relationship
or whatever the case might be. Nobody else really has to live with those
consequences to the greatest extent that you do. So the real question is, do you want to contact
your ex if so, maybe it's time to do it. And we just have to not worry so much about whether it
looks desperate or needy or anything else, because maybe this is something that's important for you.
And, um, again, as long as you're doing it in a cool, relaxed sort of way, where it's not, um, a
lot of, uh, over-investment, you're going to be totally fine. It's going to be totally cool. And
even if it isn't received, well, you're not going to come across as desperate needy whatsoever.
So I hope you've liked this video. If you did make sure you hit that thumbs up button for
the YouTube algorithm. And, um, with that being said, hopefully I'll be able to talk
to you next time from back in the office. Or if you guys are really liking these videos
where I'm out here in nature, uh, maybe I'll do some more nature videos, but anyway, um,
if you do want some more help and guidance in terms of getting in contact with your ex
connecting with them, emotionally, all that sort of stuff, would you have a course called the X
solution program? You can find out about that over@modernlove.life slash E S P a. There's also
a link for down in the description box below. And also if you sign up, you have the option
of getting coaching with that as well, too, if that makes sense for you. But anyway, take care.
I'll talk to you next time and make sure you hit that thumbs up button for the YouTube.