(Jonathan breathes deeply)
(Jonathan hums)
- This is how to connect spiritually with your spouse.
What does that even mean, and why is it important?
Let's do this.
Mended Light.
(bright upbeat music)
Spirituality in marriage is huge,
and we don't talk about it enough because it's so broad.
I mean, we talk about it based on,
maybe in your specific church or religion,
but spirituality is broader than faith
or churches and religion.
For a lot of people, that's how they define it.
But I define it as your connection
to something greater than yourself, right?
How you fit in the puzzle,
what your life purpose is in the greater whole,
in the grander scheme of things.
And for some people, that's handed down from God, right?
That's written in their scripture
or in the canon of their faith,
and that is their guidance.
For other people, they have to create it themselves.
Why am I here?
Where am I going?
What is my purpose?
What is my mission?
What am I here to do?
And that's a big deal in marriage
because you kinda wanna be walking on the same path,
not necessarily sharing the exact
same faith or the exact same values or worldviews,
but close enough
that you're heading in the same direction together,
and where you diverge, that you support each other,
instead of it tearing you apart.
The point is,
couples fight over spirituality
as much as they fight over sex or money or kids.
It just takes different forms.
So number one, start having the conversations.
Especially if you're not married
and you're dating somebody and you want to marry
or form a long-term partnership with somebody,
have the conversations about
what your spiritual worldview is.
Again, who are you?
Why are you here?
If that's a religious faith,
is that a religious faith that you and your partner share?
And the fact is, just because you have the same title,
Catholic, Lutheran, Jewish, Muslim,
doesn't mean you practice your faith the same way.
So what does that look like?
What traditions do you keep?
What doctrines and values and practices matter to you?
Where are you orthodox and strict?
Or where are you a bit more lax?
Or where are you more loose-fit?
(Jonathan laughs)
Loose-fist, right?
I know couples who share the exact same faith,
where the differences in how they practice it
tear them apart.
I know couples who don't share the same faith,
they walk different paths,
but they share a similar spirituality,
'cause part of their spirituality
is to respect each others' journey
and to respect each others' worldviews and beliefs,
and to support each other in living them.
So if your spirituality is tied to faith,
is tied to a higher power, is tied to God,
it can look like reading your holy books together
every day, looking for guidance from them,
looking for, this is our life mission,
this is how we're gonna choose to live our life.
It can be kneeling together in prayer
and talking to your higher power
about how grateful you are for one another,
and praying for one another.
That's the type of home I grew up in.
I heard my parents pray for each other
and express gratitude for one another,
and it always made me feel how much love
they had for one another,
that they were asking the big guy upstairs
to look out for this person that I care about so much,
or thank you so much for putting them in my life,
and to be very specific in those prayers.
It could be attending your church services together,
watching your devotionals,
watching the videos that matter to you,
listening to the music, worship, like that.
But you could be an atheist and be spiritual,
or your spirituality can be tied
to something other than God or a god.
I know couples for whom nature is their spirituality.
They get out in nature and they enjoy the beauties of it,
and they feel at one with it,
and they feel tied to something greater than themselves.
I know couples for whom community service,
becoming politically involved, is their spirituality.
It is their why.
It is their grander scheme of things,
and here's where I fit.
I know couples who meditate together,
for whom their connection to something greater
than themselves is themselves.
It is their higher self, it is their better self,
the person they aspire to be,
and they're getting in touch with that together.
Part of being spiritually connected with your spouse
is figuring out what the mission is for your life together,
and for your lives as individuals.
For your life together,
do you have things that you set out to accomplish?
For Alicia and I,
it's raising our kids and how we raise our kids.
It's Mended Light, is part of our spiritual connection.
This mission to unite, to edify, to entertain,
to help people through their trauma,
to help people to have healthier, happier relationships,
is something that she and I share together,
because it's a united purpose, grander scheme, life purpose.
It's part of our spirituality.
It's part of our spiritual connection.
There are things that she's involved in that aren't mine,
they're hers,
and I support her and I make sure she has time for it,
and I don't tell her that she can't do it,
and I don't drag my heels on it.
That it matters to me that the things
that help her to be grounded,
that she has time for them.
Part of my spirituality, honestly,
is going to a gym.
Getting exercise helps me to feel calm.
It helps me to have patience,
it helps me to get rid of my anger,
and it honestly helps me to feel connected
to things that are greater than myself,
because after I get all of my anxiety
and anger and sadness out through my workouts,
I'm better able to focus on my bigger why.
And Alicia is supportive of,
"Yeah, go have your hour at the gym.
Like, you need this."
Now, what if you don't know what your spirituality is?
That's awesome.
In fact, even if you think you know what it is,
I would say it's best to keep evolving, right?
I have retained, for example,
the faith and spirituality of my childhood,
but how I practice it
and the way the lens through which I see it
has evolved over time.
Into a place that I think is much healthier,
and a place I'm much more satisfied with.
If walking the path that you are currently walking, okay,
do some research, read the books, right?
Listen to the podcasts,
listen to the talks and the devotionals,
and see, is this the best fit for me?
Is this what I feel is right and truth?
Is this what helps keep...
And if not, be open to,
"I'm going to go wherever I find truth.
I'm gonna go wherever I find peace.
I'm gonna go wherever I find fulfillment."
I know a lot of people who have made spiritual transitions,
not just faith transitions, though sometimes it takes them.
A spiritual transition can be in and out of a church,
it can also be in and out of a life mission,
in and out of a life purpose.
I wanted to be a filmmaker and an actor,
and I had a major spiritual transition
when I decided to go into a therapist
and to study psychology.
Alicia wanted to do construction and architecture.
She had a major spiritual shift
when she felt the call to help people
who have gone through trauma,
because she's been through trauma
and she knows what it feels like.
She can use her gifts and talents to help.
Interestingly, we're both finding ways,
me with movies and her with architecture,
to bring that to what we do here.
Obviously you've seen this channel,
you've probably seen "Cinema Therapy",
my other channel, culture,
to illustrate the principles
that I talk about to help people.
Alicia wants to use her skills as an architect
and in construction management,
to build healing centers.
You know, we're a couple years away from that,
but building healing centers to help people.
And as a married couple, we've done this dance,
because where we started when we were dating,
when we got married,
and this what we wanna do with our lives,
is not where we are now,
and I don't imagine it's where we'll be in 15 or 20 years.
It's going to continue to evolve.
Spiritual connection, then, is flexibility.
It's being able to evolve with your partner
and not feel cheated when the things
they want now are not the same things
they wanted two, five, 10 years ago.
The through line is,
"I love you and I will support you, no matter what."
Want to do something, I may pump the brakes and say,
"Let's figure out how we're gonna do this,"
but I'm not gonna tell you no.
Part of spiritual connection is evolution.
I have family who have left the church I'm a part of,
and their spouse left and one had this...
Shift before the other,
and it was hard on their marriage,
and they decided, well,
if one of us stays and one of us goes,
we'll still stay together and we'll make it work.
Spiritually connecting with your spouse requires taking
the time to do it and recognizing it's importance.
(audio cuts out)
Person or a God person to say,
"Hey, am I acting in line with my values?
Are we acting in line with our values as a couple?
Is what we're doing today getting us a step closer
to the goals that we've set
for what we want to accomplish with our lives?"
Enter into a partnership to be partners,
and that's for companionship
but it's also to accomplish something.
Your individuals goals and dreams,
your couple goals and dreams,
your family goals and dreams.
It's not just, "Hey, we have sex and we're friends,"
We're (audio cuts out)
We need to be on the same page,
and a big part of that, I think,
is having regular conversations,
weekly conversations, having a check-in every week.
"This is what I appreciate about you.
This is what I want you to work on.
This is what I know that I can work on.
Let's talk about our goals for this month,
for this year,
and what are we doing this week as individuals
and as a couple to walk closer to those goals?"
That's spiritual connection,
because that's manifesting something,
and then actually making it happen.
I wanna hear from you in the comments below.
How do you connect spiritually with your partner?
What is your greater mission?
What are you all about?
Also, what would you like me to answer
in these "Ask a Therapist" videos?
Give me your questions below
and I'll get to as many of them as I can.
Now, speaking of how you spend your time
and what your life is all about, pornography!
I've got this other video.
If you are looking to quit pornography,
I want you to check this out,
because I wanna take you step-by-step,
if that's not in alignment with your life goals
and your life values, how to break that habit.
Now, if you need support connecting spiritually
with your spouse, or with anything else, really,
you can meet with a member of our team.
There's a link and the description
for a free 15-minute discovery call
with one of our therapists,
and they can help you with whatever it is that you need.
So until next time, like, subscribe,
click the bell, and keep shining,
because we need your light.
I'm Jonathan Decker.
This has been Ask a Therapist.
(upbeat music)
And here it comes, the porn video I was telling you,
the video about porn that I was telling you about.
It's two different things.
It's important to know the difference.