This is what the charge that people feel, you perk up, you sit like this.
Complacency looks like this. That's the position. It's like "whatever."
You don't notice anymore. You don't really pay attention.
You start to feel like you're a function.
You are defined by the tasks you do and no longer by the person that you are.
It's a multitude of those things that ultimately create, step by step a disconnect.
Oh, there's a long list of things that kill relationships.
Between partners, but you can apply a lot of these downfall principles to any
other kind of relationship. And I'm not gonna put them in order of importance,
but the first one that popped in my head was complacency. Pure laziness.
The sense that people often bring the best of themselves, certainly at work and in other areas
and bring the leftovers to their relationships which, supposedly, are meant to be so important.
A lack of communication. A breakdown in communication.
A profound sense of distrust, of a sense that the other person
is out to get you, rather than to be benevolent and caring of you.
Contempt is the big killer. I think it's the final blow.
Because it really implies the dehumanisation of the other person, it's like,
"it's not that I don't care about what you think and what you feel,
it's that you are not worthy of any attention." Violence, aggression, of all kinds, the myriad of
situations in which people attack each other. A complete physical disconnection.
Loss of affection. Loss of touch, loss of cuddling,
loss of all the stuff that really connects us physically beyond sexuality to each other
and I can do a long list. Major money issues. Massive amounts of tensions around and money and
around discrepancies of responsibility. Imbalances in the relationship. In-laws.
It's funny, I started talking and I suddenly realised
I literally was canvassing just the sessions of the week,
and I could just see the enormous amount of pitfalls that I could just list
as what will degrade a relationship. But when people start out,
and they have a lot of goodwill, and they give a lot of benefit of the doubt,
and they make a point of thanking the other person, acknowledging what they do,
validating how they feel, the experience of being seen is part of the building of the trust.
The experience of being known. The experience of having somebody who
has deeper tension on you and is curious, fundamentally curious to get to know you.
That kind of penetration that is highly erotic, as in you feel alive, you feel vibrant, it's not
in the sexual sense of the word erotic. This is what the charge that people feel,
you perk up, you sit like this. Complacency looks like this.
That's the position. It's like "whatever." You don't notice anymore. You
don't really pay attention. You start to feel like you're a function.
You are defined by the tasks you do and no longer by the person that you are.
It's a multitude of those things that ultimately create, step by step a disconnect.
Ask yourself, what have I done lately
to affirm the importance of my relationships in my life?
Is there someone I owe a phone call to? Not a text,
a phone call. Is there someone I need to talk to,
that I've been meaning to reach out to? Is there someone I owe an apology to?
Is there someone who I could help in this moment? Anytime you do for others,
you actually A) are less depressed and B) you feel better about yourself.
So that's the first one. Second one is, what have I
done to nurture my connections? Am I feeling, how am I doing?
Just kind of sit there for a minute and draw it on a piece of paper. How am I doing?
Then you take two objects. Just right now, as you sit
wherever you are in front of you and you look. One object that represents
an aspect of your relationship story that you would like to leave behind,
that you would like to free yourself from. That no longer serves you.
And another object that represents an aspect of your relationship
story that you would like to foster, to harness, to maintain, to develop further.
And put these two objects next to you on your desk.
And every day, you just ask yourself, what have I done about this one
and what am I doing about that one? Where am I coming from and where do I wanna go?