- I do sometimes lie up here.
(audience laughing)
I'm not proud of it,
(audience laughing)
but sometimes we all have to lie,
like even when I tell my children not to lie.
I'm kind of lying to them.
(audience laughing)
Some people are like, "You should never lie to a child."
And those people don't know have kids.
(audience laughing)
Because when you have kids you lie to them all the time.
You're like, "You won't like this ice cream,
it's very spicy."
(audience laughing)
I'd share but Santa said, I can't.
Now why don't you go to sleep so I can wrestle your mom.
(audience laughing)
I'm not encouraging lying,
I'm just saying there are times when you need to, right?
Like if you're late to meet someone and you can see that
they're already angry and you don't have an excuse,
you have to lie.
(audience laughing)
Because if you told that person the truth,
they would never speak to you again.
You could be like, "Hey, I got to come clean,
I just couldn't motivate to get going."
(audience laughing)
I mean, eventually I could.
"What I'm trying to say is I don't value your time."
(audience laughing)
I've identified there are two times
when it's socially acceptable to lie.
To spare someone's feelings, it's okay to lie.
It's also okay to lie, to cover up a murder.
(audience laughing)
Allow me to explain.
(audience laughing)
When we discover someone's a murderer.
We also learn they've done some fibbing,
but we tend to focus on the murder part.
(audience laughing)
You never hear, "I'm angry,
he killed that guy, but frankly,
I'm more upset about the lying."
(audience laughing)
"It's the dishonesty that bothers me.
Some trust has been broken."
(audience laughing)
Speaking of lying murderers.
I watch a lot of "Dateline."
I don't wanna brag. (audience members wooing)
some other winners out there. (audience laughing)
If you're unfamiliar or you have a life,
"Dateline"
(audience laughing)
Is a news magazine show like "60 Minutes".
But at one point, "Dateline" just went all in on murder.
(audience laughing)
And it's usually spousal murder.
Like if you watch "Dateline",
it appears most marriages end in murder.
(audience laughing)
Every episode starts the same.
They had the perfect marriage.
(audience laughing)
But you know someone's getting killed.
(audience laughing)
A husband, a wife.
Sometimes they'll get someone else to kill their spouse,
which seems impersonal.
(audience laughing)
You took a vow, do it yourself.
(audience laughing)
Anyway, I was watching this one episode of
"Dateline" about this guy who murdered his wife.
It was gruesome.
I was watching with my wife on our anniversary.
(audience laughing)
My wife didn't care. I mean, she wasn't thrilled
I was taking notes.
(audience laughing)
"What are you writing down?"
"This guy's just sloppy."
(audience laughing)
"It's like, he's trying to get caught."
(audience laughing)
If anything, this guy's plan was full-proof.
What he did on his anniversary
is he threw a party for him and his wife.
And they invited all their friends
so they could see how happy they were.
And then the next morning he took his wife fishing.
He rented a boat. He brought a cooler, some tackle,
three concrete blocks and a tarp.
(audience laughing)
You know, for fishing. (audience laughing)
And he would've gotten away with the whole thing.
But three months after his wife disappeared at sea.
He got engaged to a stripper. (audience laughing)
Which is kind of suspicious. (audience laughing)
And to celebrate their engagement,
they dropped acid, as tradition would have.
(audience laughing)
And while tripping on acid,
he admitted the whole thing to his fiance.
(audience laughing)
And she turned him in
'cause she didn't appreciate the dishonesty.
(audience laughing) (audience applauding)
And as the episode ended,
all I could think is I'm a terrific husband.
(audience laughing)
I've never even thought of murdering my wife.
(audience laughing)
Well, I've never made plans to murder her.
(audience laughing)
Well, I don't own concrete blocks.
(audience laughing) I can see some of you were like,
"Jim, I don't like the murder jokes",
(audience laughing)
But wouldn't it be great
if in a week you learned I was a murderer.
(audience laughing)
'Cause then you could brag, you can be like,
"Oh my gosh. We were at the taping for his special."
(audience laughing)
And he had all these jokes on murder.
(audience laughing)
"Were they good?" "Not really. No"
(audience laughing)
He was better at murder than comedy.
(audience laughing)
If you know me,
I would do anything for my wife
and that's part of my alibi.
(audience applauding)