You can probably relate to this Shana writes,
"what do I do when my child argues
about everything?
We're going to answer that Shana.
As a psychologist I got to go to the psychology behind this first
"why do kids argue?
why do they do it?"
You're thinking like a parent. Think like a child for a minute why does a child
argue? Because they don't like the limit that was just set I don't like it
they want you to take it away they want you to change whatever it is that you
just did is this accurate? That's why kids are you they don't have any control
over the limits that you set. But if they don't like them they're gonna kick up a
fuss they're gonna kick up a stink they're gonna try to get you to change
your mind and that's why they argue. Next question why do parents argue?
Do you know?
You're a parent and you're arguing with a child. Why? The child's arguing
because the child doesn't like the limits but the child doesn't control the
limits. You do. Why are you arguing? Because you don't like the way your
child is reacting to the way you set the limits. Fair enough? But you don't control
your child's attitude. This is why parents argue they get all frustrated
and upset about the attitude their kids have when they set the limits. But you
don't control your kids attitude. So what we really gotta start with here is an
understanding of what you control and what you don't.
Some things you control
other things you don't. Are we clear about that? That's a basic rule of life
some things you control and other things you don't. Then the next important thing
is to pay attention to the things you control. Because you don't have to argue
you about those things do ya? Let's just make that tip number one pay attention
to the things you control.
Because you don't have to argue about that.
I got a couple of other tips for you. Tip number two disengage disengage from what Dr.
Paul? Well, disengage from the argument you don't
have to argue because you control the consequences are the limits that you
just set the thing you're upset about is your kid being upset about you
controlling the limits. Disengage from that peace in other words be okay with any
kind of response or reaction you get from the little ones and and honestly be
okay with it. Understand that they're going to be upset about some of the
limits that you've set that's okay I used to tell my kids all the time oh
that's alright you don't have to like it which irritated and annoyed them a
little bit. But this is the feeling that I'm trying to convey that you are
completely detached and emotionally disengaged from whatever their response
is they can be happy about it they can be unhappy about it either ways okay
with you. I have a warning for you here in psychology we call it the extinction curve.
As soon as you take away the payoff for whatever they're doing like a
good example is whining when your kids are whining oh and they did begging and
pleading for something whining about it and you give it to them they take away
the whining. Well what if you don't give it to them? They turn up the volume don't
they? yeah because they're thinking in their own little head this always used
to work with mom I must be losing my touch
I better turn up the volume and so they crank it up on you the whining increases.
If your kids are arguing with you about everything,
and you stop engaging with them in that argument, the most likely thing that's
going to happen is they're gonna step up their game a little. They're gonna turn
up the volume be ready for that it's called an extinction curve they're just
testing to see if this is still gonna work. Now if they turn up the volume and
then you cave in and engage with them and start that argument or engage in the
argument. Then all they've learned from that interaction is Oh yep sure enough I
knew I could get to mom I just had to turn up the volume first. Dad always
cracks under the pressure but sometimes you have to give them a little more
pressure that's not what we want them to learn so after they turn up the volume
you gotta hold your ground and you're still cool you're still not engaging
you're still not arguing with them and what happens is that they'll learn that
that doesn't work anymore and then they'll back off of it trust me this
works a good old-fashioned doctor ball tip keep smiling smile because when
parents are smiling kids are nervous they wonder what you're up to they
wonder what you know they wonder what you're in control of that they no longer
have control over. It's a good signal. Smile. Okay and do it in a genuine way so
that it's not phony or pretense it's simply that you're going to smile and
then find something that you can agree with.
Your kids are never wrong about how
they feel. You could always pick that. "Oh I see that you're really frustrated
about this" And instead of arguing with them you're showing them empathy you
smile you find something that you can agree with express that empathy and
guess what those arguments are gonna start disappearing.
Thank you Shana for
that suggestion for this video I love those suggestions that
from our parenting community here at live on purpose TV thank you for being
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