(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
WELCOME BACK.
NOW, WHILE TRUMP'S PRESIDENCY MAYBE THE HAIRIEST THING
SINCE JANELLE MONAE'S MERKIN,
HE'S ACTUALLY ACCOMPLISHED ONE THING.
DONALD TRUMP HAS APPOINTED
MORE FEDERAL JUDGES...
(MAN) RIGHT.
...IN JUST ONE YEAR
THAN PRESIDENT OBAMA GOT THROUGH
ALMOST HIS WHOLE ADMINISTRATION.
DON'T BE SHOCKED.
TRUMP TOPS OBAMA IN LOTS OF AREAS.
LIKE CAMPAIGN MONEY RECEIVED FROM THE NRA:
TRUMP $31 MILLION, OBAMA ZERO.
NUMBER OF WOMEN WHO HAVE COME FORWARD
TO ALLEGE SEXUAL MISCONDUCT: TRUMP 19, OBAMA ZERO.
AND THE NUMBER OF GOLF ROUNDS PLAYED
DURING THEIR FIRST YEAR IN OFFICE:
TRUMP 44, OBAMA ZERO!
OKAY, OBAMA HAD 29, BUT I ROUNDED DOWN.
AND YET PRESIDENT BRAIN SPUR IS TOO DUMB TO EVEN KNOW
WHY HE'S IN A POSITION TO LOAD THE COURTS WITH JUDGES.
WHEN I GOT IN...
WE HAD OVER 100 FEDERAL JUDGES
THAT WEREN'T APPOINTED.
I DON'T KNOW WHY OBAMA LEFT THAT.
IT WAS LIKE A BIG, BEAUTIFUL PRESENT TO ALL OF US.
WHY THE HELL DID HE LEAVE THAT?
HE DIDN'T LEAVE THAT, YOU DUMMY!
MITCH MCCONNELL OBSTRUCTED OBAMA'S APPOINTMENTS
LIKE SIA'S WIG OBSTRUCTS HER VISION!
OH, NO, SIA, DON'T DRIVE WITH THAT WIG ON!
TRUMP'S NOMINEES ARE JUST EMBARRASSING.
THEY'RE THE LIVING VERSION OF SAYING, "YOU TOO,"
WHEN THE TICKET TAKER AT THE MOVIES SAYS, "ENJOY THE SHOW."
THEY ARE THE LEAST DIVERSE,
THE LEAST QUALIFIED,
AND THE MOST EXTREME JUDICIAL NOMINATIONS
IN MODERN AMERICAN HISTORY...
WHO HAVE COMPARED ABORTION TO SLAVERY,
WHO HAVE SAID THAT TRANSGENDER CHILDREN
ARE SATAN'S PLAN.
WHO HAVE PLEDGED THEIR FULL LOYALTY
TO THE NRA.
SATAN'S PLAN?
PLEDGE LOYALTY TO THE NRA?
WELL, THAT EXPLAINS THIS JUDGE.
(CROWD CLAMORING)
(CROWD SCREAMS)
GENTLEMEN... NEED I REMIND YOU
YOU ARE IN A COURT OF LAW.
AND JUST YESTERDAY,
TRUMP JUDICIAL PICK WENDY VITTER
PROVED THAT WHEN IT COMES TO HER HEAD AND HER ASS,
THEY ARE NOT SEPARATE, BUT THEY ARE EQUAL.
(RICHARD BLUMENTHAL) MS. VITTER, DO YOU BELIEVE
THAT "BROWN VS. BOARD OF EDUCATION"
WAS CORRECTLY DECIDED?
IF I START COMMENTING ON "I AGREE WITH THIS CASE"
OR "DON'T AGREE WITH THIS CASE,"
I THINK WE GET INTO A SLIPPERY SLOPE.
SO EITHER SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT "BROWN VS. BOARD OF EDUCATION" IS,
OR SHE'S TOO RACIST TO ADMIT THAT SHE'S AGAINST IT.
EITHER WAY, SHE'S LOSING ON "BLACK JEOPARDY"!
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
AND THEN THERE'S MATTHEW PETERSEN,
WHO COULDN'T EVEN ANSWER THE MOST BASIC LEGAL QUESTIONS.
HAVE YOU EVER TRIED A JURY TRIAL?
I HAVE NOT.
(SENATOR KENNEDY) CIVIL? NO.
CRIMINAL? NO.
BENCH? NO.
HE WITHDREW HIS NOMINATION
ONCE THE WORLD SAW HE WASN'T EVEN QUALIFIED TO BE A JUDGE
ON "RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE."
YOU WANNA BE AN "IT" GIRL? NO.
DOES THIS KLEIN-EPSTEIN-PARKER SUIT
MAKE MY ASS LOOK JUICY?
NO. WHY DOES THE CAGED BIRD SING?
NO.
(LAUGHTER)
AND IF YOU REALLY WANNA BE PISSED,
TAKE A LOOK AT TRUMP JUDICIAL NOMINEE JOHN BUSH.
HE BLOGGED UNDER A FAKE NAME,
DISPARAGING LGBT RIGHTS
AND CITING ALT-RIGHT MEDIA REPORTS
ABOUT CONSPIRACY THEORIES
AND FALSE INFORMATION.
FALSE INFORMATION LIKE CLAIMING THAT OBAMA
DIDN'T WRITE HIS MEMOIR, "DREAMS FROM MY FATHER."
WHILE BLOGGING UNDER THE FAKE NAME "G. MORRIS."
HOW YOU GONNA ACCUSE OBAMA OF LYING
WHEN YOU'RE PRETENDING TO BE GARRETT MORRIS?
BUT THAT DIDN'T STOP THE SENATE FROM CONFIRMING HIM
TO THE U.S. COURT OF APPEALS LAST JULY.
AND THE WORST PART IS, THESE ARE LIFETIME APPOINTMENTS.
THEY WILL BE TRUMP'S ENDURING PRESIDENTIAL LEGACY!
THAT AND SPRAY-TAN STAINS ON THE WHITE HOUSE WALLS.
BUT I HAVE A JUDGE PICK WHO I KNOW TRUMP WILL LOVE.
SHE'S EVERYTHING HE ADMIRES-- SHE'S ON TV,
SHE'S A CELEBRITY, PLUS, SHE'S EVERYTHING WE WANT.
SHE'S QUALIFIED FOR THE JOB, SHE'S A BLACK WOMAN,
AND BEST OF ALL, SHE'S HERE RIGHT NOW!
ALL RISE FOR THE HONORABLE JUDGE MABLEAN!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
JUDGE MABLEAN, YOU REALLY ARE THE PERFECT CHOICE.
AND TO MAKE YOUR APPOINTMENT EVEN EASIER,
WE'RE GONNA CONDUCT A BRIEF CONFIRMATION HEARING RIGHT NOW!
ALL RIGHT, LET JUSTICE BE SERVED.
OKAY, GREAT!
JUST A FEW QUESTIONS. ARE YOU A BLACK WOMAN?
THE LAST TIME I CHECKED I WAS.
SUSTAINED.
HAVE YOU EVER BLOGGED UNDER A FAKE NAME?
I DON'T DO ANYTHING FAKE BUT MY HAIR AND NAILS.
(LAUGHTER AND CHEERS)
SAME.
AND FINALLY A TRICKY LEGAL QUESTION.
WHAT IS THIS?
UH, DUH! IT'S A GAVEL.
CORRECT!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I HEREBY CONFIRM JUDGE MABLEAN!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
YES!
I MAY BE CONFIRMED FOR A LIFETIME,
BUT I'M LEAVING TODAY, RIGHT AFTER THIS COMMERCIAL.
COURT IS ADJOURNED.
JUDGE MABLEAN, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
♪♪