- Today, we are talking about (hand chops)
conflict.
Frank, are you just gonna use a karate chop
to emphasize the key word of every video from now on?
Yes, I am.
So, how does personality type
add fuel to the fire of a conflict?
Type differences between two people
might even start a conflict where there really isn't one.
More importantly, we're gonna discuss
how to talk to the personality types
when tensions might be a little high.
A couple of weeks ago, I did a video
about what will get the 16 personalities to confront you.
So, this is a good bookend to that.
Now that they're confronting you,
now that you're in an argument or conflict,
how do you communicate with them for the best outcome?
How do you talk them down?
How do you get yourself out of a sticky situation?
There are a few different angles we can look at
when it comes to talking to other types.
Let's start with the basics,
then move to the more advanced stuff.
Generally, the most important letters
of a type to look at are the middle two letters
also called the function pair,
which is the perceiving letters, S and N,
and the judging letters T or F.
Someone's perceiving preference will tell us
what kind of information
they are generally gonna notice first and foremost.
And therefore, what they will typically focus on
in conversation or debate.
Say, for example, an intuitive has a plan for a project
and they are excitedly telling it to a sensing type
who stops them with the question,
where's the money coming from to fund this?
Dragging the intuitive out of their intuitive realm
and into the world (computer feedbacks)
of stupid sensory data and real world logistics.
I hate that stuff.
Or to flip that around,
say a sensing type is working hard at a job they enjoy.
And the intuitive type says, why are you working there?
That is a dead-end job,
dragging the sensing type away from their ability
to enjoy life in real time,
and forcing them to look at the bigger picture.
So, already, we can see just from the information
a type focuses on how an argument could arise.
Same situation, different perspectives.
The judging preference on the other hand
will tell us how a type
will prefer to act on that information.
A feeling type is most likely gonna be concerned
with morals or social values
while a thinking type
will judge more logically and practically.
And you guys know how it is,
sometimes the right thing to do
and the logical thing to do are not in alignment.
So, it can be easy for these types
to argue with each other over these differences.
We can really start to see the magic of type
when we look at the combination
of the perceiving and the judging preferences together.
An ST type will have the most pragmatic
and practical of all the preferences,
caring about the hard facts and data
and how do they make sense.
The NFs on the other end of the spectrum
will care the most about conceptual values
like peace, harmony, identity.
SFs are gonna care about the real world
and immediate implications
of ethics, values, and relationships.
Essentially, they wanna be living
in accordance with what feels right, right now.
NTs are gonna care about logical systems
and outcomes related to their conceptual interests,
things that are usually a little more theoretical
like a long term plan or metaphysics, whatever that is.
When you are talking to different types,
it's important to keep in mind
not only what your own preferences are,
but what theirs are as well.
If you are an NF, it's gonna be really hard
to convey your idea to an ST or to anybody really.
It doesn't mean though that an ST type
can't see what you're talking about.
It just means that they're approaching the problem
from an entirely different perspective.
If you share any preferences with another person,
try to emphasize those points more in conversation,
like an an NT and an ST
can usually get along in the realm of tea.
It's like four o'clock. It's tea time.
Terrible joke. (chuckles)
If you don't share any preferences, it's okay.
Just use your imagination. (enchanting music)
Think about what you wanna say.
We're not changing the content here,
just the wrapping paper (paper tears)
around it, and how you can reword things a bit
to play to the other person's function pair.
Now, here's the thing,
I know people in the comments are gonna say,
Frank why should I cater to them?
Well, because you know about type and they probably don't.
They are like a cat who thinks every other animal is a cat.
And they wonder why this other cat is barking all the time.
Whereas, you have the knowledge
that not every animal is a cat.
And so, when you see a dog bark,
you know it's 'cause it's a dog.
So, that is why I put the onus on you, the FJ viewer.
Anyway...
(Frank stutters)
(Frank laughing)
Let's do just a quick example.
Let's say I have a boss
who is an ESTJ. (bell dings)
Now, I'm an INFJ,
so we don't have a ton in common now, do we?
So, I wanna ask my boss
for a day off so I can spend some time with my family.
It's my son, FJ3's T-ball game and I can't miss it.
Why did they put it in the middle of a workday?
I don't know.
I'm not the T-ball commissioner.
Now, I could approach my ESTJ boss,
and say, it's really important feeling
for me to spend time with my family
because I care about them, which is also feeling
and a little bit of intuition,
but in my boss' ST mindset,
all she sees because it's a woman-owned company, okay?
Is her workplace being one worker down.
She sees the practical logic of the situation.
The work is not getting done
because FJ is at FJ3's T-ball game.
Why FJ3?
I guess, (laughs) I was just thinking like RG3.
No one in my audience knows what I'm talking about. (laughs)
So, what can I do? How about I do this?
I will rewrap (paper crinkles)
the content of my message to be a bit more sensing,
thinking focused for the convenience of my boss.
I'll be like, hey, boss, I wanna have Thursday off.
My son, he's in a T-ball game in the middle of the day.
I don't get it.
But anyway, I know work still has to get done.
So, I'll work some extra hours at home
on the weekend or whatever,
so that you're not left in the lurch.
Now, we have a win-win situation where I get Thursday off
and the boss has a logical reason to give it to me.
All right. So, that was the easy version.
Let's get a bit more technical.
Let's talk about cognitive functions.
The most noticeable cognitive functions
when it comes to confrontation or debate
are the judging functions, Te, Ti,
Fe, and Fi.
This is because these functions
are quite literally how we decide on information.
And what about certain aspects of information
we are gonna care the most about.
That sentence was really mangled. (laughs)
Why are those functions the most important?
Because they are the ones that make decisions,
and decisions lead to conflict.
The thinking functions are generally
going to lead a person
who is more willing to be confrontational
about what is important to them.
This isn't because thinking types
aren't or can't be empathetic,
it's just that they value the logic
and practical utility of things
more than the ethical aspects such as a person's feelings.
Te types, the TJs (bell dings)
are generally gonna be the most upfront
about their opinions and thoughts,
especially the ENTJs and ESTJs.
This is because Te is the function
most focused on the application and use of logic.
Because their thinking is externally focused,
they are comfortable expressing their logic to others
or at their worst,
demanding that the outer world follows their logic.
So, the best way to handle conflict with a TJ type
is to give a realistic solution
to the problem that is being faced.
TJ types are less likely
to get caught up in their own feelings.
And instead, tend to get most annoyed or angry
when something isn't working as intended
or as well as it could be, or as quickly as it could be.
They don't like waiting around.
So, the ultimate communication tip
for the TJ types is to address whatever
the problem is as quickly as possible
and with as little emotional expression as possible.
Do not cry, do not laugh, do not make a smirk,
do not look jocund.
Ti types. (bell dings)
The TPs on the other hand,
logical consistency is really
the most important thing for these types,
especially the INTPs and the ISTPs.
Believe it or not,
these types often wanna fit in socially,
but they can't help saying things
that upset others due to their desire to point out
when things aren't logically consistent.
They don't care if you are solving the problem.
They want the problem to be solved
in the most correct way possible.
It's like that math teacher in school,
doesn't matter if you got the right answer.
If you can't show your work
and all the work isn't done correctly, it doesn't count.
You don't get full credit.
If you are in a confrontation with a TP type,
one of the best things you can do
is to recognize that a large majority of them
don't intend to hurt your feelings.
They might think you're dumb and say it to your face,
but they don't want you to feel bad about it.
If they come off as demeaning or insulting,
offer them some non-accusatory feedback such as,
hey, I really appreciate your logical input here,
but the way you said that came across as a little bit mean.
I am holding back tears right now.
It can actually go a long way to diffuse the situation.
I know you're thinking, well, Frank,
that's seems emotional
to work with a thinking type like this.
But here's the thing,
it's because you don't want to back them into a corner
because if you do, introverted thinking has the potential
to really dig in to a point of no reason.
It's tough to beat them at their own game.
So, you gotta play things a little more cool with them.
Fe types, the FJs. (bell dings)
Hey, that's my name.
Are a lot like Te types
and that they can be forward with their opinions.
They are generally a lot more tactful though.
And their desire is usually to bring people together
socially and emotionally in the long run.
Fairness and harmony are a big part of the FJ's daily lives.
And you are most likely to find them in conflict
when there is some sort of turmoil
that isn't being settled correctly.
FJs are a bit unique though.
And that I think, there are two kinds of Fjs,
as weird as that sounds.
there are your harmony and peacekeeping-focused Fjs,
who just want everyone to get along.
And then, there are your FJs
who are willing to push against social harmony a bit
to attempt to improve it in the long run.
This isn't just an NFJ versus SFJ thing though.
So, don't attribute it to the intuition preference.
It's more so about whether or not
the FJ feels a responsibility to act.
Perhaps, it just comes down
to how assertive an individual is.
The best way to handle confrontation or conflict
with an FJ is usually to ensure
that the outcome will be fair emotionally.
In the end, everyone will feel the same way.
We will all be happy, or maybe we will all be sad.
At least we will all feel the same way.
And it's also a good idea to reassure these types
that your friendship or your relationship is still okay.
Because if an FJ starts to see a relationship in decline,
this can be a source of great stress and anxiety for them,
which can lead them to preemptively
overreact to avoid any future hurt or pain.
I think this is where the INFJ door slam comes from,
but it's not exclusive to that one type.
Man, I gotta tell you, Fe takes (laughs) so much effort.
Anyone who has Fe will tell you,
it's the worst function to have.
So, yeah, if they see that relationship
falling apart, it's tough. (laughs)
'Cause they don't wanna have to put in extra energy.
They're just like, okay,
I'm just gonna take the money and run.
Let's get outta here.
Last but not lease.
I wrote lease in the script. (laughs)
That's a weird advertising campaign
for buying a house, last but not lease.
I'm not leasing...
Okay. Nevermind. (laughs)
We're talking about the Fi types.
The FPs who just like the TPs, (bell dings)
can dig their heels in on their values.
Fi is probably the most personal
of all the functions in that it decides on the things
that it likes with no real need for logic.
This feels right to me.
So, therefore, I am going to identify it or even champion it
because this thing now is part of me.
I can feel it.
This can be particularly difficult to communicate with
because Fi is not a function
that can really be reasoned with.
This isn't to say that FPs are logical,
but more so that they aren't gonna care
if something is logical,
if it doesn't resonate morally with them.
You could tell them all day, this thing makes sense,
but if they're like, I'm not feeling it, doesn't matter.
The best way to handle confrontation
with an Fi type is to confirm
that you understand and respect their position
even if you disagree with it.
The absolute worst thing you can do
to an FP type is to try and police what is right or wrong,
to try to shove it down their throat.
Fi types want for the most part, to be left alone
and allowed to express themselves as they see fit.
In return, they often allow others
to have the same freedom as well.
If you don't mess with me, I won't mess with you.
So, in a conflict, give the FP a bit of autonomy
and show them that you appreciate them for who they are.
And they are likely to have no problems with you.
They will be more willing to try to find common ground.
Now, as I said, this video is a part two
to the video I did earlier
about what will make the 16 personalities confront you.
Check that video out right here.
And until next time, stay cool and attractive.
(soft upbeat music)