a basic distinction in humans is between
those who are
straightforward to deal with and those
who are
as we tend to be reminded whenever we
interact with them
repeatedly tricky or complicated to
handle
what makes straightforward people
gratifying to be around
isn't so much that their positions and
intentions are always
inherently unproblematic it's that we
happen to know
exactly what the issues are from the
start
there is therefore no need to guess
decode untangle
and scramble or translate there are no
sudden surprises
or revolutions in perspective if these
straightforward types don't want to do
something
they will politely and in good time
explain that it's really not for them
if they're unhappy with our behavior
they won't smile sweetly while
developing
noxious stores of envy or hatred in the
recesses of their minds
they will immediately provide a gentle
but accurate statement
of how we are frustrating them if
they're worried a project is going awry
they won't pretend that all is well
until a catastrophe can no longer be
denied
if they're attracted to someone they
will find charming
kind and inoffensive ways of making
their feelings clear
and in bed they may want to please but
they can also be honest and unashamed
about what actually pleases them
the problem with complicated people is
that they are painfully unsure
about the legitimacy of their own
desires
which renders them unable to let the
world know what they truly want and feel
they may appear to agree with everything
we're saying but it emerges very far
down the line
that they had a host of reservations
that require an age to uncover and
resolve
they will ask you if you'd like another
slice of cake when it turns out that
they are pining for one they will swear
that they want to join you for the
dinner you'd suggested
when in reality they'd been aching for
an early night
they will give every impression of being
happy with you while crying inside
they will say sorry when they want you
to apologize
they feel overlooked but won't ever push
themselves forward or raise a complaint
they're longing to be understood but
never speak
when they're attracted to someone the
only outward evidence might be a few
sarcastic comments
leaving the object of their affections
bemused or unimpressed
around sex they go along with what they
feel might be
normal as opposed to what actually
interests them
what could explain such confusing
complexity
the root cause is poignant it springs
not from
evil or inherent manipulativeness but
from
fear the fear of how an audience might
respond
were one's true intentions to be known
there is as ever likely to be a
childhood origin to this pattern of
behavior
a child becomes complicated that is
underhand
roundabout or even deceitful when it's
given the impression by its earliest
caregivers that there is no room for its
honesty
one can imagine a child whose needs for
another biscuit for a run around the
garden
for help with homework or for a chance
not to see granny
might have been received with irritation
or open anger
it never quite knew when its parents
would get annoyed or explode
or why or else a child might have sensed
that a parent would be unbearably
saddened
if it revealed too many of its authentic
aspirations
why would one directly say how one felt
or what one wanted
if the result were to be shouting tears
or a complaint from a loved but fragile
grown-up
that this was a betrayal or all simply
too much and so
the child grew into an adult expert
speaking
in emotional code they became someone
who prefers always to imply
rather than state who planes the edge of
every truth who hedges their ideas
who's given up trying to say anything
that its audience might not already
want to hear someone who lacks any
courage
to articulate their own convictions or
to make any
even slightly risky bid for the
affection of another person
fortunately none of us are fated to be
eternally complicated we can untangle
ourselves
by noticing and growing curious about
the origins of our habitual evasiveness
and reluctant slyness
we can register how little of our truth
was originally acceptable to those who
brought us into the world
simultaneously we can remind ourselves
that our circumstances
have changed the dangers that gave birth
to our coded manner of communicating
have passed no one is now going to shout
at us
or feel inexplicably hurt like they once
did
or if they do we have agency we can
as a last but crucial resort walk away
we can use the freedoms of adulthood to
dare to own up
to more of who we actually are
we can also recognize that our
complicated behavior doesn't in fact
please
people as we might have hoped most of
the people we deal with
would far rather be frustrated head-on
than sold a fine tail
and then have to suffer disappointment
in gradual doses
human interaction is inherently filled
with a risk of conflict
we are never far from misaligned goals
and divergent desires
however the straightforward people among
us have known enough love and acceptance
early on
to be able to bear the danger of
ruffling a few feathers
they invest their energies in trying to
deliver their truths
with thoughtful diplomacy rather than in
burying them badly
beneath temporary and saccharine smiles
we will discover simple communication
when we can accept
that what we want is almost never
impossible for others to bear
it is the cover-up that always maddens
and pains
did you know that we work with
businesses we teach emotional skills for
a thriving workplace
click the link on screen now to find out
more
you