>> Stephen: HEY!
WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU KNOW, ON FRIDAY, DONALD
TRUMP WAS WATCHING "FOX & FRIENDS" WHEN HE NOTICED THEY
WERE DOING A LIVE SHOT ON THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN, SO HE TWEETED,
"WOW, THE HIGHEST RATED-- BY FAR-- MORNING SHOW, AT-'FOX &
FRIENDS,' IS ON THE FRONT LAWN OF THE WHITE HOUSE.
MAYBE I'LL HAVE TO TAKE AN UNANNOUNCED TRIP DOWN TO SEE
THEM?" IT'S NOT UNANNOUNCED IF YOU
ANNOUNCE IT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "MELANIA, YOUR SURPRISE BIRTHDAY
PARTY IS TOMORROW AT 8:00 P.M.
CAN YOU BOOK A CATERER, THAT WOULD REALLY HELP ME OUT, I'M
NOT GOING TO BE THERE."
( LAUGHTER ) SO HE SHAMBLED OUTSIDE TO TALK
TO THE CHIEF FOX FRIEND, WHO ASKED HIM THE KIND OF
HARD-HITTING QUESTIONS YOU'VE COME TO EXPECT, SUCH AS "DID YOU
HAVE A GOOD BIRTHDAY?" >> GET ANY GOOD PRESENTS?
>> I GOT A LOT OF GOOD KISSES.
>> WHO DID YOU GET KISSES FROM?
>> FROM THE BEAUTIFUL WIFE WHO IS REALLY DOING GREAT.
SHE IS DOING GREAT.
>> STEPHEN: NOTHING SAYS "MY MARRIAGE IS NORMAL AND REAL"
LIKE DESCRIBING IT AS IF YOU'RE AN ALIEN WHO JUST LANDED ON
EARTH.
"I RECEIVED KISSES FROM THE BEAUTIFUL WIFE.
I REQUIRE MANGANESE TO LIVE.
GIVE ME YOUR MANGANESE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
BUT THE MAIN TOPIC OF DISCUSSION WAS TRUMP'S BURGEONING BROMANCE
WITH NORTH KOREA'S DICTATOR, KIM JONG-UN.
AND ONE THING TRUMP ADMIRES IS KIM'S TOUGH H.R. POLICIES.
>> JUST BEFORE YOU MET WITH HIM, HE CLEANED HOUSE.
THREE OF HIS TOP GENERALS, SOME OF THE HARD-LINERS HE FIRED.
>> I THINK HE FIRED AT LEAST, OKAY, WHEN YOU SAY HE FIRED--
>> THREE THAT WE KNOW OF.
>> MAYBE FIRED AT LEAST, FIRED MAY BE A NICE WORD.
>> STEPHEN: YEAH, THAT MIGHT BE A NICE WORD BECAUSE WHEN KIM
FIRES SOMEONE, THE FIRST TWO WORDS ARE: "READY... AIM..."
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: WOW.
>> Stephen: AND WE JUST FOUND OUT THAT KIM
DIDN'T EVEN ASK US TO CANCEL OUR WAR GAMES WITH SOUTH KOREA.
BECAUSE TRUMP TWEETED: "HOLDING BACK THE 'WAR GAMES' DURING THE
NEGOTIATIONS WAS MY REQUEST BECAUSE THEY ARE VERY EXPENSIVE
AND SET A BAD LIGHT DURING A GOOD FAITH NEGOTIATION.
ALSO, QUITE PROVOCATIVE.
WAIT, TRUMP BROUGHT UP STOPPING THE WAR GAMES?
WHAT KIND OF NEGOTIATION IS THAT?
THAT'S LIKE WALKING INTO AN OPEN HOUSE AND TELLING THE AGENT,
"I'M PAYING OVER THE ASKING PRICE, AND IT HAD BETTER BE
BUILT ON AN ANCIENT INDIAN BURIAL GROUND."
"THOSE WALLS BETTER START BLEEDING!"
( LAUGHTER ) BUT ALL THAT MATTERS TO TRUMP IS
THAT KIM IS A STRONG LEADER.
>> HE IS THE HEAD OF A COUNTRY AND I MEAN HE IS THE STRONG
HEAD.
DON'T LET ANYONE THINK ANYTHING DIFFERENT.
HE SPEAKS AND HIS PEOPLE SIT UP AT ATTENTION.
I WANT MY PEOPLE TO DO THE SAME.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> STEPHEN: TRUMP WANTS PEOPLE
TO TREAT HIM LIKE A DICTATOR!
"I WANT PEOPLE TO STAND UP STRAIGHT, CLAP WHEN I WALK BY,
THE FIRST PERSON TO STOP CLAPPING IS FED TO DOGS, AND IF
THOSE DOGS DON'T STAND UP AND CLAP, THEY'RE FED TO CATS.
OKAY?
BUILD A STATUE OF ME, THEN BUILD AN EVEN BIGGER STATUE OF ME
DECIDING TO BUILD THE FIRST STATUE.
EVERYONE HAS TO GET MY HAIRCUT.
GOOD LUCK FIGURING OUT WHAT IT IS."
( LAUGHTER ) "ALL RIGHT?
THAT SIMPLE.
I'M A SIMPLE MAN.
I -- I -- I -- I ."
AND THAT'S NOT THE ONLY WAY TRUMP'S JEALOUS OF KIM.
AT THE SUMMIT, TRUMP POINTED OUT THAT EVEN THE
ADMINISTRATION-FRIENDLY "FOX NEWS" WAS NOT AS LAVISH IN ITS
PRAISE AS NORTH KOREA'S STATE TV.
AND YOU CAN SEE WHY TRUMP'S JEALOUS.
NORTH KOREAN NEWS BROADCASTS STORIES LIKE KIM JONG-UN LEARNED
TO DRIVE AT AGE THREE, AND HIS FATHER KIM JONG-IL IN HIS FIRST
ROUND OF GOLF SCORED 11 HOLES-IN-ONE.
THAT'S RIGHT, 11 HOLES-IN-ONE ON HIS FIRST TRY.
NOT 18, THAT WOULD SOUND A LITTLE FARFETCHED.
NORTH KOREAN STATE MEDIA ALSO CLAIMS KIM JONG-IL INVENTED THE
HAMBURGER, WHICH HE CALLED THE "DOUBLE BREAD WITH MEAT."
( LAUGHTER ) SO NOW WE KNOW WHAT TRUMP AND
KIM TALKED ABOUT IN THAT SECRET MEETING.
"WE WILL STOP THE WAR GAMES, IF YOU TEACH ME YOUR ANCIENT
CHEESEBURGER SECRETS."
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP ESPECIALLY ADMIRED NORTH
KOREA'S STAR ANCHOR, RI CHUN HEE, AFFECTIONATELY NICKNAMED
"THE PINK LADY."
HE ENJOYED HER SO MUCH, HE SAID THAT MAYBE SHE SHOULD GET A JOB
ON U.S. TELEVISION.
WELL, THEY'RE STILL LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO REPLACE ROSEANNE.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Jon: OH!
OH!
THAT'S A GOOD THOUGHT!
>> Stephen: A HIT SHOW, LOT OF PEOPLE ARE OUT OF WORK.
THINK OF THE KIDS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELL, MAYBE "FOX NEWS" CAN'T
LIVE UP TO NORTH KOREA'S STATE TV, BUT OUR IN-HOUSE NEWS TEAM,
"REAL NEWS TONIGHT" CAN.
♪ >> OH, PRAISE THE GLORIOUS
TRUMP!
I AM HIS HUMBLE RECEIVER VANITY JILL NEWS LADY.
>> AND I AM JIM ANCHORTON.
T 3 YEARS OF AGE DONALD TRUMP INVENTED THE SECRET RECIPE
FOR KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN.
>> AND HE INVENTED THE CHICKEN.
BIGLY NEWS, DONALD TRUMP DEFEATED THE GOLDEN STATE
WARRIORS TO WIN THE N.B.A.
CHAMPIONSHIP.
>> WON THE GAME WITH A SLIM DUNK HOME RUN TOUCHDOWN.
>> AND HE STOOD AT ATTENTION FOR THE GLORIOUS ANTHEM!
♪ >> IT WAS HIS FIRST GAME OF
BASKETBALL!
>> NEXT.
SHOULD ROBERT MUELLER BE FED TO THE DOGS?
THE ANSWER WILL SURPRISE YOU.
>> IT IS YES.
YES, IT IS!
♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK...