♪ ♪ ♪ >> HO, HO, HO!
AND WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR, SUSIE?
WELL, OF COURSE CHRISTMAS ISN'T CANCELLED.
A LITTLE PLAGUE NEVER STOPPED OLE ST. NICK.
I'VE BEEN HIGH RISK FOR CENTURIES.
>> HOLD STILL, SANTA!
>> YOU REALLY GO ALL THE WAY UP THE CHIMNEY, HUH?
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
YES, THAT'S FINE.
JUST GLAZE MY COOKIES WITH PURELL.
>> SANTA, YOU'RE ON MUTE.
>> SON OF A GRINCH!
OH, COME ON, BUMBLE!
PUT ON A MASK!
HOW HARD IS THIS?!
>> FIRE FAUCI!
HOAX!
STOP THE STEAL!
>> READ A NEWSPAPER, YOU HOOLIGAN!
( TRAIN WHISTLE )
♪ OH, CHRISTMAS TRAIN OH, CHRISTMAS TRAIN
♪ BA DA BA DA DAAA CHRISTMAS TRAIN ♪
>> WHAT'S HAPPENING?
>> IT'S THAT NEW OLD PRESIDENT!
>> IS OBAMA WITH HIM?
>> NO.
>> AWWWW.
>> WHAT'S UP, TINY FOLKS?
SANTA!
>> PRESIDENT-ELECT BIDEN!
HOW DID YOU TAKE THE MAGIC CHRISTMAS CHOO-CHOO TRAIN?
IT ONLY BOARDS IN CHILDREN'S IMAGINATIONS.
>> I GOT ALL THE SCHEDULES, JACK.
>> IT'S KRIS.
WELL, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
>> I CAME TO HERE TO TELL YOU WHAT I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS.
MMM, BEARD SMELLS GOOD.
>> OKAY, JOEY.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE FOR CHRISTMAS?
>> A ROOMBA, SOME ICE CREAM, AND A WAY TO BRING ALL AMERICANS
TOGETHER IN PEACE AND BROTHERHOOD.
>> OH, BOY.
COME WITH ME.
BEHOLD!
THE HOLY SACK OF CLAUS, HANDED DOWN TO US ON MT. NOG BY THE
SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS HIMSELF.
FOR MILLENNIA, IT HAS DELIVERED TO MANKIND WHAT HE MOST DESIRES.
THIS YEAR, MOSTLY BOOZE AND PLAYSTATION 5.
>> MAGIC SACK.
>> IF YOUR CHRISTMAS WISH IS TO UNITE THE COUNTRY, PEEK INSIDE,
AND THE SACK WILL PROVIDE.
>> A MASK?
HOW'S THAT GOING TO BRING AMERICANS TOGETHER?
THEY WON'T EVEN WEAR IT.
>> LOOK!
>> BACON-SCENTED!
>> IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE.
WE'LL HUFF OUR WAY TO HEALTH!
>> SANTA, COME QUICK!
>> BUMBLE'S ALL OVER CNN!
>> BREAKING NEWS.
WE'RE HERE AT THE FOUR SEASONS BRAZILIAN BODY WAX AND EMBALMING
EMPORIUM WHERE THE PRESIDENT'S LAWYERS HAVE CALLED AN EMERGENCY
PA-RUM-PUM PRESS CONFERENCE.
>> GOOD AFTERNOON.
I'LL MAKE THIS QUICK, BECAUSE THE EMBALMING FUMES ARE MAKING
ME DIZZY.
A MR. BUMBLE HAS SENT PHOTOS FROM THE NORTH POLE WITH
EVIDENCE OF TRILLIONS OF BALLOTS FOR TRUMP HIDDEN IN SANTA'S BIG
MAGIC SACK.
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE DEMAND ACCESS TO THE SACK!
RELEASE THE SACK!
( FART )
>> WELL, IF RUDY'S IN CHARGE, LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE NOTHING FEAR
HERE.
>> OH, CRAP.
>> MITCH McCONNELL?
>> SEASONS GREETING, HERR KRINGLE.
MR. BIDEN.
>> WELL, IF IT ISN'T THE MITCH WHO STOLE CHRISTMAS.
>> HAND OVER THAT SACK!
>> FROM MY COLD, DEAD MITTENS!
>> I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU.
>> BUMBLE, NO!
PLEASE, MITCH, YOU'LL DESTROY CHRISTMAS.
>> AND OUR LAST HOPE TO UNITE AMERICA.
>> OH, I CAN LIVE WITH THAT.
MR. PRESIDENT, THE PARTRIDGE IS IN THE PEAR TREE.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
>> IT MEANS WE GOT THE SACK.
WE WENT OVER THIS, MR. PRESIDENT.
NOW, LET'S GO.
>> YOU MANIACS!
YOU SCROOGED IT UP!
>> THERE GOES THE BACON!
WE GOT TO STOP 'EM!
>> IT'S OVER, JOE.
THEY TOOK THE SACK.
>> YOU LISTEN TO ME.
THE REAL SACK HAS ALWAYS BEEN RIGHT HERE.
>> HEART SACK.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
NOW COME ON, JACK.
WE GOT A CHRISTMAS TO SAVE.
AND THIS YEAR, OLD 46 IS FLYING SLEIGH FORCE ONE!
>> YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY TO DRIVE?
>> NOPE.
LET'S GO GET YOUR SACK BACK, JACK!
>> WE'RE HERE LIVE AT THE WHITE HOUSE WHERE THE PRESIDENT HAS
CALLED AN EMERGENCY EGG-NOG-AURATION.
>> TONIGHT, THE SACK WILL PROVE THAT I AM THE RIGHTFUL COMMANDER
IN CHIEF AND COMMANDER IN CLAUS.
HOS, HOS, HOS!
>> THE BABE IS ALMOST IN THE MANGER.
>> WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
>> OH, COME ON, DID NO ONE READ THE CODE BOOK!
>> ON AMTRAK, ON ACELA, ONBOARD DINING!
HEY, SANTA, THERE'S SOMETHING I DIDN'T TELL YOU.
>> WHAT'S THAT?
>> I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LAND A TRAIN.
>> LOWER THE SACK!
THAT'S IT, BRING IT BACK!
>> NOW, I JUST OPEN THE SACK, AND GET WHATEVER MY HEART
DESIRES.
DN'T THINK ABOUT IVANKA.
DON'T THINK ABOUT IVANKA.
>> YOU SURE THIS IS A GOOD IDEA?
>> IT'S THE SAME WAY I SAVED NAKATOMI PLAZA.
YIPPEE-KI-YAY, NUTCRACKER!
>> WHOOOOO!
>> TIME TO OPEN THE BALLOTS!
A VERY MERRY ELECTION TO ME!
>> ENOUGH OF THIS FA-LA-LA COUP D'ETAT!
>> SANTA?
>> AND JOE BIDEN?!
I THOUGHT I KILLED YOU.
>> NO, I BEAT YOUR ASS IN THE ELECTION, REMEMBER?
>> OH, YEAH.
SEIZE THEM SNOW BEAST!
( ROARING )
>> DONALD, I WARN YOU!
WOE UNTO HIM WHO OPENS THE SACK FOR HIS OWN GAIN.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
>> IT MEANS IT'S CHRISTMAS!
THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU.
>> EVERYTHING'S ABOUT ME.
>> DONALD!
NOOOOO!
DON'T LOOK AT IT, JOE!
>> IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
( SCREAMING )
THIS IS NORMAL.
( ROARING ) >> ARE THEY OKAY?
THEY'RE FINE, JUST POWERLESS.
EMPTY, IT'S EMPTY.
>> NO, DONALD, IT'S FULL.
AS FULL AS THE HEART THAT PEEK >> ARE THEY OKAY?
ED IN.
>> YOU MADE MY HOLIDAYS A LIVING HELL.
>> I GOT YOU SOMETHING.
>> IT'S CHRISTMAS.
IN THERE, YOU CAN ALWAYS BE PRESIDENT.
>> AND ONLY IN THERE.
>> SANTA!
>> GUM DROP, MUFFIN!
YOU'RE ALIVE!
>> ALIVE, BUT LATE.
>> IT'S ALMOST CHRISTMAS MORNING.
>> HEY, SANTA, IS IT OKAY IF CHRISTMAS IS A LITTLE LATE THIS
YEAR?
>> IT'S 2020.
( BLEEP ) IT.
>> MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL, WEAR A DAMN MASK!
>> AND STAY HO-HO-HOME.
♪ OH, CHRISTMAS TRAIN OH, CHRISTMAS TRAIN
♪ HOW LOVELY ARE THY AMTRAK.
"OH, CHRISTMAS TRAIN OH, CHRISTMAS TRAIN.
♪ HOW YOU SAVED SANTA'S BIG SACK.