if you are listening to this
then I and everyone else have gone
But humanity has survived
And you?
Well done for finding this tape
For I hid this narration high in the mountains of Scotland
place so extreme it would not be stumbled upon for
hundreds of years under a rock that has no earthly
business being in a Scottish mountainside
black volcanic glass
This is the story of the beginning
of the end
So
child
sit back
Take note because this is how the year
2020 mother f*****g went down
Once upon a time
there was a bat
Now
some
dude
let's call him chinese bruce wayne
May have eaten that bat
and released onto humanity
A terrible plague
I don't know to this day why he did it
Why didn't all I can say with any certainty is the
events that followed were unprecedented
you see 2020 was born on the first of January
2020
ina not so far away kingdom
called Earth
The year started quite well
bringing bushfires and locusts
like some kind of apocalypse
But the good times were not to last
as the virus spread
all the great leaders
gathered to say
f**k this you're on your own
they would not risk the wrath of the virus
on their own economies
and sometimes people
One by one
the villages closed their borders
But some of the people were brave and wise
These wise people bought
all the toilet paper
enough to last 1000 plagues
enough to clean up 500 yards
of sh*t smelling foulness
I can't even imagine
or maybe I don't want to
Bread and Pasta
became the new currency
as we returned to a bartering
system
People would trade their wedding rings
and babies
and even their PlayStation
for a loaf of tiger bread
hand sanitizer became the new oil
and with no gyms
The people ran
like Forrest Gump on speed
even those who hadn't run
since 1998
They chugged it up
a hill or two
and the world
started to heal itself
Dolphins returned to the Venice canals
Goblins returned to new Zealand
and the mac
returned from
wherever he was
Every event that ever existed was cancelled
and the outlook for humanity was looking bleak
But there was hope
because the great celebrities
from their mansions knew one thing
that could get us through
imagine there's no heaven
it's easy if you try
an out of tune John Lennon song
and everyone
for a brief moment
said what?
you serious?
and we clapped
We clapped our healthcare heros
They deserved adulation
not a pay rise?
but a smattering of applause
And they should be grateful for it
too
Cooped up in their hold fasts
the people binged one show after another
f**k carole baskin
humanity had one hope
a young
handsome Prince
wisest of all the
idiots
Prince Trump toiled day and night to find a cure
and then he had a master stroke
a cure that had
sat under our runny noses all along
and sinks
bleach
a injection
inside or
or almost a cleaning
because you see gets in the lungs
and it does a tremendous number
so it would be interesting
to check that
everyone needs to inject themselves
with bleach
might clear it all out or something
I know 300 years in the future
You aren't gonna believe this
But this actually happened
like really
in the village of America
the townsfolk yearned for the end of lockdown
because of rights and
haircuts
It was like a modern day Rapunzel story
Remember this kid from home alone?
Well
this is him in 2020
deep in the realm of the Internet
the most intelligent of all the race of humans
Were not to be Hoodwinked
for the virus
was actually made up
It was China
Bill Gates
and T Mobile who were working as a little
team to implant microchips
They used Bill Gates computers to spread the powerful truth
but the stupid people wouldn't listen
Oh
if only we'd listened
You who are listening to this now wouldn't be
serving Melinda Gates tea
like some kind of
robot Butler
I'm guessing
But my dear
robot butler friends
the year dragged on
days blurred into nights
Winter turned to spring
spring to summer
and the bars and pubs
opened again
But the fear remained
face coverings became mandatory
worst of all
for the first time in history
we even had to wash our hands
but brave
handsome
wise idiot Prince Trump
He knew the truth
The truth was in the graphs
only countries that had tested had the virus
so if we all just stop testing
we would defeat it
once and for all
So I'm assuming if you are alive now
that is what happened
My good robot
butler friends
But as 2020 draws to a close
There are still many questions
If you are alive and listening to this
I'm assuming that what was the cure
stop testing
Either way
I guess humanity
lived happily ever after
I hope 2021 was better
I hope people stop
doing so much dumb s**t
I hope
p.s. If you have invented time travel
come back with accurate back with accurate bat
cooking instructions
for Chinese Bruce Wayne
15 minutes at
200 I'd have thought would have done it
Before you go
I do have a few questions about the future
What is it like?
And is it good?
Drop it like and let me know in the comments section
of this audio tape recording
in a bit