France--
the only country that allows you to add mistresses
to your family cell phone plan.
As the country begins to reopen after the pandemic lockdown,
one of the things officials are insisting on
is that everyone must
keep their face covered in public.
But they have very strict ideas
of what that face covering should look like.
REPORTER: There is concern in France that racism
is at the heart of who can and cannot
cover their faces and, specifically, how they do that.
Face masks are now mandatory in public in France.
There are cameras in the metro system and other public places
to make sure people comply.
REPORTER 2: But niqabs and burkas-- face coverings
worn by some Muslim women-- are still banned.
While critics see a contradiction,
the French interior minister reminded people this week
that the ban on religious face coverings
will remain in place.
Okay, I'm sorry, but this is the most ridiculous thing
the French have ever done.
And, yes, that includes giving cigarettes the right to vote.
I mean, really, though, how does this make any sense?
You have to cover your face,
but then if your face covering is "too Muslim-y,"
then it's not okay?
France is so anti-Muslim,
if they found a passage in the Koran
that said, "French is the best language,"
then France would be like,
(French accent): "We do not speak French anymore.
"From now on,
(English accent): "we will only be speaking English,
s'il vous plaît."
(normal accent): Meanwhile, here in America,
one of the many things struggling to reopen right now
is the court system.
I mean, how do you hold a socially-distanced trial?
Well, one county in Texas is figuring it out.
The first virtual jury trial ever in Texas
is beginning today in Collin County.
It'll be a civil case where the decision is nonbinding.
Jurors and the parties involved will take part remotely online.
Collin County Judge Emily Miskel says
a lot more time and research is needed
before we see any criminal trials conducted this way.
Yes, in Texas,
they're now holding trials over Zoom.
And this is either the best or worst idea in history.
Because, on the one hand, at least now
you get to do jury duty from home.
But on the other hand, I don't know
if I want my fate decided by someone
who was secretly watching Netflix in another tab.
What? What? Oh, yeah, uh,
she definitely fed her husband to the tigers.
Also, it's gonna be pretty awkward
when a lawyer is trying to deliver an impassioned speech
and someone's baby interrupts in the background
because they forgot to mute their Zoom.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
"just take a moment
"to think about this horrific crime.
-E..." -(baby laughing)
But let's move on to the state of the coronavirus pandemic
in America.
As always, there's good news,
there's bad news, and then there's news
that just seems to come out of nowhere.
The good news is that the curve is flattening
and increased testing is helping officials track the disease.
The bad news is that the U.S. death toll
is still climbing towards 100,000.
And because of the virus' long incubation period,
it'll be weeks before we know
if states have opened too soon or not.
And today's "out of nowhere" news
is that a new study has found
that additional symptoms of COVID-19
may include delirium, confusion, and agitation.
And, guys, I'm sorry, man,
but this is now way too many symptoms for one disease.
Like, how many is it now?
Corona symptoms are like members of the Wu-Tang Clan.
You think you know all of them.
Then you find out about another one you had no idea existed.
I mean, at this point, it feels like the same way
we search WebMD to see what we have,
coronavirus is using WebMD
for inspiration on what it should give us.
"Ooh, delirium.
I like that one. I should try that."
Plus, this isn't the most useful information,
because delirium, agitation, and confusion,
those are also symptoms of just being in quarantine.
I mean, I'm getting delirium from watching the news.
I'm agitated from staying inside all the time.
And I'm always confused about the days of the week.
What day is it? Wed-Wed-nes-day?
Is that even how you say it?