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Bras, also known as brassieres,
or, more formally,
over-the-shoulder boulder holders.
The histories of women and their bras have been pushed together
and held there for as long as we can remember,
and you can always tell a lot about what's going on
with women in society by how their breasts are being stored.
From the ancient romans wearing bandeau-style sports bras
for athletic competitions, to the women of the early aughts,
who shot whipped cream out of their bras as a way to
destigmatize public breastfeeding.
When I was nursing, I could never quite get my milk to
come out that frothy.
One of the earliest versions
of the bra was in the Middle Ages, when women could wear
two fabric bags over their breasts inside their clothing.
These ladies didn't have time for cute underwear.
It was the 1300s. They were more concerned with finding
new recipes for gruel and not dying from a paper cut.
For a while, during the French Revolution and Victorian eras,
bras took a back seat to corsets,
which ever-so-gently molded a woman's body into
-that super-desirable hourglass figure. -(gasps)
'Cause nothing is sexier than a woman who
might be filled with sand.
Luckily, by the end of the 19th century,
a Frenchwoman named Herminie Cadolle
had designed the first modern bra
by cutting a corset in two and sewing it
into something that was then considered lingerie
and would now be considered school clothes on Euphoria.
It gave women more freedom than the traditional corset,
but it was still impossible
to take your bra off through your shirt
in the locker room at Planet Fitness.
Be right there!
Don't start Zumba without me!
Thankfully, in 1914,
a 19-year-old named Caresse Crosby
invented a bra that ditched the corset altogether.
Crosby wanted a bra to wear to her debutante ball
that was actually comfortable, so she made one herself
out of two handkerchiefs tied together with a ribbon.
It turned out to be a huge hit at the ball,
probably because in a corset bra,
the only dance women could do was the robot,
and no one likes the person at the party doing the robot.
Especially before robots were invented.
(gasps) She's possessed.
Fetch Father Mulcahy.
Oh!
With her new bra,
Caresse Crosby and women everywhere
were liberated.
Except for the fact that they were still women in 1914.
But aside from that, liberated.
Crosby's bra was a hit, but it continued to evolve,
and by the 1950s,
new styles led to an all-out boob party.
Bras became an intrinsic part of fashion
with underwires and padding
allowing women to emulate the stars of the era,
like Marilyn Monroe and Jayne Mansfield.
An ample bosom was as synonymous with 1950s womanhood
as not having a bank account
or getting excited when you get a vacuum for your anniversary.
And it wasn't just about the curves.
Thanks to torpedo bras,
it was also about the pointiness.
Which may look a little odd now,
but, at the time, it was the Cold War,
so it made sense to have extra missiles on hand
in case Russia invaded.
But while bras were supporting women,
not all women were supporting bras.
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In fact, by the late 1960s,
going braless became a fashion statement.
Boobs were free to hang and move around
and swing as much as all the couples at the party.
It was a great time for boobs.
Except for all the polyester
they were rubbing against for the first time.
But contrary to popular belief,
burning bras was never actually a thing.
What did happen is that, in 1968,
demonstrators were protesting the Miss America Pageant
for being sexist, racist,
and forcing women to solve world peace in ten seconds.
You need at least five minutes to do that.
So protesters tossed symbols of their oppression
into what they referred to as the "Freedom Trash Can,"
which also happens to be what I call the dumpster
outside Whole Foods.
And those symbols of oppression included bras,
but they never actually set them on fire.
That's just a myth,
like mild menstrual cramps
or the male orgasm.
I'll believe it when I see it.
But, by that point, bras were so ingrained in society
that many people struggled with the idea
that they can be optional.
The idea took hold that not wearing a bra
was somehow inappropriate or unprofessional.
Like in 1990, when a woman in Arkansas
was found in contempt of court when the judge said her breasts
were obviously showing through her shirt.
Objection, Your Honor.
My right to a fair trial is up here.
And only a few years ago, a Florida high school student
was forced to put Band-Aids over her nipples at school.
That's a trip to the school nurse that will also
send you to the school psychiatrist.
I'm just kidding. American schools can't afford those.
But for those who want to wear them,
it's a great time for bras right now.
Bra designers are no longer telling women
what they should be wearing.
Instead, they're listening to what women want to wear.
There are so many comfortable options now
from athleisure to sports bras.
Women can live a life where they aren't being
squeezed like an empty tube of toothpaste.
And there's no telling what the future of bras will be like.
Maybe 20 years from now, all bras will be NFTs. Who knows?
Not me. I literally don't know what that means.
But whatever form bras take,
there's one thing that you can always count on:
they will lose their shape in the dryer.
But only if you wash 'em in the first place.