Do you want to know how narcissists test their victims?
By the end of this video, you're going to understand exactly what narcissists love to
do to make sure that you are for them and not against them.
Hi, I'm Rebecca Zung, top 1% attorney and the bestselling author of the books, Negotiate
Like You Matter and Breaking Free: A Step-by-Step Divorce Guide.
And I've helped thousands of people go from lives of drama, trauma, and chaos to step
into lives of freedom, possibility, and purpose.
And I do the same thing with you right here in these videos.
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So how do narcissist test their victims?
Why do they test them at all?
Number one, they test them because they want to make sure that you are for them, because
in a narcissist's world, in their weird world of turmoil and the vortex of craziness, you're
either for them or you're against them.
If you are not for them, then you are the enemy.
You become public enemy number one.
So they're constantly checking, checking, checking to make sure that you are for them.
And so you're constantly having to try to prove it, prove it, prove it all the time.
And they test you in many different ways.
So the reason why they do this is because they need an endless amount of what we call,
supply.
They basically want to make sure that you are going to be there to serve the whole purposes
of you being around to begin with, which is to feed their need for narcissistic supply.
So narcissistic supply is anything that feeds their ego, which is, compliments, adulation,
respect, all of those things, of course.
And if you don't give them those things in the form of good supply, then they'll take
it, well, they'll take it anyway, in the form of what we call, bad supply, which is devaluing,
and debasing, and making you feel bad, judging you, putting you down, little passive-aggressive
things to make it known to you that you have very little worth to them.
And sometimes it's a little tiny things, just kind of drip, drip, drip on your head, where
it's seriously death by a thousand cuts or making you crazy by just doing these little
things all the time.
But when they're testing you, they are just making sure that you're going stick around
no matter what, even if they treat you poorly.
They want to know, are you for me or against me?
So they'll mistreat you, they'll put you down, they'll call you names, they'll give you the
silent treatment, that's one of their biggest by the way, is silent treatment, it's all
a method of getting you back under their web of control.
Because remember the narcissistic relationship is love bomb, devalue, discard.
And if you want to know more about the narcissistic relationship, check out my videos on love
bombing, devaluing, and discarding.
I go much more deeply into what a narcissistic relationship looks like.
It always starts with love bomb, it always ends with discard.
And I had somebody tell me it's toxic stew in between, which is definitely true.
But what happens is, as they're devaluing you, they can often be love bombing you, and
this is all a way to keep you under their web of control.
So they will be saying things to test you, by devaluing you, by causing you pain, which
they don't have the ability to feel your pain, but they're going to be doing these things
just to see if you're going to stick around.
So silent treatment is one big one, they will just simply stop talking to you because they
want you to come back to them, "Please talk to me.
Please forgive me.
I am so sorry for whatever I did."
So that they can come back to you and they'll say, "Okay, fine."
They might just have a tantrum, have a full on meltdown because of the way you acted,
because they want to see, are you going to stick around?
Are you going to leave?
Are you going to be for me?
Are you going to be against me?
They might even use hoovering, or coming back, even in the discard phase, they come back.
And I see that often in divorces, what happens is, in a divorce situation, they can be acting
heinous in a divorce, gaslighting you, using everything against you, using the court system
against you, threatening to take your children away, threatening that you're going to pay
lots of alimony, threatening that you're not going to get any, if that's what you want,
threat, threat, threat, threat, threat, all over the place, lying, lying in pleadings,
lying in motions, lying to lawyers, lying to the mediator, manipulating evidence, all
this kinds of stuff is going on, and then right in the middle of that, they'll send
you an email, "Oh, why are we doing this?
You know that we can just get along.
You know how this isn't so good for the kids.
Why are we spending this money?"
And trying to grab you back in, again, testing you, testing to see if they still have power
over you, if they still have the ability to control you.
For you guys, who've been tested before, you think that you've been tested by a narcissist,
give me a, "Yup!"
In the comments.
Another way that narcissists test their victims is on the phone, so let's say you're having
a telephone conversation with them, and while you're having the conversation, you feel,
okay, we've talked about what we needed to talk about, so now I want to hang up the phone,
they'll say, "Oh, why do you want to hang up first?
Don't you want to talk to me anymore?"
That's a form of rejection for them.
Another one that's related to that is you walking away.
So you're in the middle of a fight, even if they've walked away a hundred thousand times
and didn't listen to you, they'll do the same thing back to you, walk away so that you're
the one groveling after them saying, "Please don't walk away, we can work this out, come
on back, let's talk."
And they're just testing you to see if you're going to go back after them, they're testing
you to see if you are going to show them the respect that they want.
And that's another way that they test you by the way, is they'll constantly say things
like, "You don't respect me.
You don't love me.
You don't give me the time that I want.
You're always giving time to everybody else, but you're not giving time back to me.
How come you're putting everybody else first."
Those are all types of phrases to test you, to see what you're going to say, are you going
to say, "Oh no, no.
You're first.
Oh, no, I'm so sorry that I put somebody else in front of you.
Of course, you mean the most to me.
Yes, I love you.
Of course, I love you.
Here's all the ways that I love you."
So, making sure that you're still there, you're still the one.
I mean, they might even make you do something for them just to see if you're going to do
it because they're testing you.
They want to make sure that you're for them.
They have to constantly have reassurance that you're for them.
So the truth is they're testing you from the beginning of the relationship.
A lot of times, what you see with narcissists is they move in super quickly, the relationship
is super fast tracked in the love bomb stage, so, let's meet your kids right away, if you
have children from a previous relationship, or I want to move right into your home right
away.
And they're testing to see if you are the right type of supply for them, by how you
respond to that.
Because, do you let them move in right away?
Do you say, I love you right away?
Do you immediately agree that you're supposed to be soulmates?
And yes, you're meant to be together, and how crazy is it that you just met and you're
soulmates and you're meant to be together, that kind of thing.
So the bottom line is that narcissists are testing you from the minute you walk into
their lives until the minute that you go no contact and actually stop talking to them
because they always want to know, can you be a form of supply for them?
And if you're not, then you are the enemy and they're going to go after you, smear you,
try to take you down as much as possible.
If you're getting ready to negotiate with a narcissist, please grab my free, Crush My
Negotiation prep worksheet, don't walk into a negotiation without it.
It's 15 pages, it's basically an ebook, and it's totally free.
You can grab it at the link below or just simply go to winmynegotiation.com and it will
be all yours.
And if you want more support and you want to connect with other people who are dealing
with narcissists, come on over and join us in my free private Facebook group, which is
called Narcissistic Negotiators with Rebecca Zung, and I will drop a link to that below
as well.
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I'm Rebecca Zung, I'm so glad you stopped by my channel and that you were here.
And remember, today's a great day to start negotiating your best life, I'll see you in
the next video.