Hello everybody! My name is Markiplier.
and welcome to "Totally Accurate Battle Simulator".
Now this is a game that has been obviously incredibly requested
Because everyone
(Mark needs to process)
I dunno.
Wanted me to play it and wanted me to either rage at it or laugh at it? I'm not sure which because
I haven't seen it in action. (Well no dur)
So this is the first time that I'm playing it (has sniffles)
and I'm already confused because there's a Play button and then there's the New Game button.
So I'm just going to hit Pla-
Oooh! (Processing...)
Level One.
......?
I don't know what any of this means. :/
...
What?
I don't know what this means!
And also WOW! This is loud, but holy shit! :D
Uh
....
Oh. Oh!
What did I do?!
Ohhh no! Oh! That's not what I want.
Oh, this is the battlefield! (DERP)
Ooooooooh! Okay!
So should I go for EXPENSAV? *hell no*
Or should I go for NOT expensive? *yesh*
How about...uh 80 moneys, so four Barbarians.
Staggered out.. not very.
Oh. What the?
Hi...Why is my mouse in here? Get the mouse out of here!
What are you doing?
Oh.
Whoa.
Oh.
Oh!
Oh that didn't work at all. :P
How does that supposed to work?
Alright. Hang on I gotta change something here.
Okay, that's better. Okay there we go.
IT'S OKAY WE'RE BACK NOW! XD
Okay, so.
That didn't work.
So does it just want me to do PEZ-ants? (oooh pez)
Mmkay.
Go get 'em boys, even though there's more of them than there are of you!
Wow, this depth of field doesn't make a goddamn bit-dick of sense.
Wow. What.
Stop playing grab-ass and beat 'em to death! (Bill) Nope
Alrighty then.
How does that work?!
I don't know how it works!?!
DA FUK
Maybe I gotta encircle 'em.
HEEEEEH
Nope.
That'll - that'll probably get 'em.
That's not spread out the way that I thought they wanted to be.
Ohh!
The arrow's pointing at the way they're gonna g-
Aughhhh! D:[
I'm an idiot!
I mean, everyone knew that already but wow.
Wow
Okay.
Alright.
(HOLY SHIT)
Damn!
DAMN! :O
Damn, Louis!
HOLY SHIT! You beat the shit outta 'em!
Oh I have 800 money?
One HUAH--cha!
Woah.
Okay so the arrows' pointing like– That's the battlefield so–
Now I just need to.. put a punch of Boxers around it to defend the Hwa-cha.
Yeah that's good. Probably.
Oh, Jeezums. Okay
HWA-CHA'M!!
Well, it'd help if you god damn hit 'em, you...
COCK!
Box the shit outta them
Go get 'em, Larry!
Go get 'em Stev-- Welp, that didn't work at all. Welp.
Weeee're fubernucked.
The Hwacha didn't do hwach.
Alright how 'bout this?
I do the Hwacha...
way in the back!!
So hopefully it can actually hit some things.
and theeeeeeeeen I Peasant it up
Okay so the Peasants are gonna to get killed immediately
Which is fine by me, I don- I don't care, obviously.
I'm a – I'm a very cruel overlord.
Man, this depth of field doesn't make a...
bit of sense
yeah
YEAH
YEAH!
YEAH!!!
YEAH!!!!!
Get SHRE-
Oh they're coming back up
Oh that's not good!
Oh that's not good at ALL!!!
Oh
OH NO
Oh No!!!
SLAP HIM
Slap him good!!!
Steal their weapons
Oh God
Heh! He's just...
"Hey buddy!"
"How's it going there?"
"Oh you look good, buddy!"
Okay so maybe the Hwacha isn't the way to go about this.
HOW 'BOUT WE HAVE SHIELDS?!?!
Up froooont in a liiine – wait a minute
I don't think those are the "shields" I'm thinking about. I thought those were going to be people with shields.
Might not be that
Alright Fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffrick it!!
I'm just gonna have Footmen, right up their ASS.
Footmen, Men of Foot.
No
Men of Feet!
And then... I don't know, some peasants.
just–just 'cause I like the way this looks!
That's the ONLY reason I am doing that.
Go get 'em, buddies!! You fell down on your OWN?! What's wrong with you? D:{
OH GOD that don't look good
Hello~, Hi friend... *giggling* That's so stupid
They got destroyed
Footmen are worthless! (NO SHIT SHERLOCK)
This is baloney!!
Oh, this is garbage! )=[
What a Bag O' Dicks! Alright fine! You wanna be that way?
I can be bag O' dicks, TOO!
Alright, this is Peasant Squadron Alpha
This is Peasant Squadron Dildo!
This is Peasant Squadron...
Cunnilingo! (our general markimoo ladies and getelmen)
This is Peasant Squadron...
"I Ran Outta Names"
Eh-Oh! Max- oh. Well shit. Fine.
Alright, no Peasant Squadron here. );
That-that's not what we're going for here.
And then... archers!
In the baaaack!
Really Gonna Give it to 'em! (A whole lot of bull in the end)
And then one shield...here for-
Some fuckenreason.n
There we go!
Ugh, jeez.
Oh it is a guy with a shield!
Well, you shouldn't shoot through your own guys!
Oh lordy...
Oh it's a massacre
Why do they just fall over like Goobers!?
Yeah get em' archers! Uh oh-
Oh- I think they noticed you
don't go towards 'em!
Oh God!
WELL YOU JUST FELL OV-
Y-you-your own teammate shot you...
That's what happened. Your- Your own-
You were killed by your own teammat-
OHHHHH
OH, IT COMES DOWN TO THIS!
AHHH COME ON!!!!!!
OH you sack of crap!!!!
PHILL! Ugh fuckin' Phill
Ok FINE! We're gonna do this again.
I almost had it...If- if my guys hadn't been shooting each other.
Which was the fatal flaw in my plan...
Okay. I'm gonna keep these guys.
AAAAS far away from the battle as possible,
And then distract 'em with the expendables here.
Go get 'em!
Go get 'em! shoot 'em!
Tfffuckin' fell over! Why!?
I cant stack 'em too close apparently,
They'll just be idiots.
Yeah
Yeah!
Murder 'em!
I don't know why mah screen's shakin'
This is mah heart thumpin' so much about this baaattle.
What are you doing with your heads?
Yeah.
We're gonna get you!
HUH
You can't kill us!
WERE TO SmArT fOr YoUU
Man they're going after Bravo over 'ere
They are totally ignoring Charlie.
Oh is that squad Cunnilingo?
I can't remember?
Oh, no-- dugdergidurrrg.
We're farmers-
HubiduperpmerpderpDOE NO
Oh Jeremiah!
HWHOA I'LL GET YOU!
HWAAAAAH-
I'm Jebediah and I died, oh fuck me.
This game is goddamn-diculous. *giggling*
This game is pretty ridiculous I will admit.
So can I at least look at what they have?
nO? Okay...
We're gonna do a shield charge.
YeaaAH we're gonna do a shield charge! Get 'em
Oh?
That's a lot of camps over there..
UH YEA- HAR- WE'RE COMIN' ON SWINGIN'
WE'RE COMIN' IN... HIDIN' -wut-
Because that what we do da best!!
AAAAHHHHH!!
Boooonk
Ooooh~ get WRECKED!
Oh that didn't– Oh. Can you– wha– nNO.
OH you're exposing your sensitive flank!
Oh you've been arrowed
Wow this guy's pretty tough...
Get 'em
Get 'em!
Get 'em boiya!
Yeaaah! Hit 'em with their own arrows!
OoOooh shit your plan didn't work, did it?
We got Moe comin' in from the side...
He's the rogue element...don't worry the elemen-
*quiet laugh* He's distracting 'em over 'ere. Phill's distracting 'em!!
Moe comes in for the take down!
Oh shit!...Moe's a wrecking machine!
Okay
Well this is going a whole lotta nowhere. *Laughs*
...Oh no they got Phill!
OH MOE
Oh no they got Moe...This is Phill.
Oh Phill's running away like a BITCH (Phill) FUK I MISSED
Phill goddammit it! Just be a man!...or a woman I can't tell!
Do something!
*groan*
Aright, fine then...
The- the thing is, they got, uh...
They've got a lot of arrows, so what we need to do, is we need to spread out, a LOT.
So, the FARMERS seem to be very valuable, so what we'll do is, we'll encircle 'em.
And we're just gonna spreeaaaad out, waaay willy-nilly, no, don't stand together, I don't care if you're married, you'd get DEAD together, but apart.
That didn't make any sense,
but I'm a military GENIUS, here. Go for it!
Get 'em!
Well, that spreading out didn't exactly work out the way that I'd HOPED it would.
You're gonna get 'em.
You're gonna get 'em! Git 'em! Get 'em, bois!
Get 'em! Yeeaah! Stab 'em! Yeeaah!
You can't box your way out of this one- wow, boxers are... way worse than farmers. By a lot.
Aaah! They killed their own guys! Get 'em, they're demoralized! They lost their friends!
Oh, well, that's not good. Get 'em! Yeah, yea. You've penetrated their defenses
And by their defenses I mean their soft underbelly
And you stab their cro-o-otch!!!
Woow
I gotta admit, I-
-I went in- I kept seeing this game and it looked really dumb,
But it's kinda fun-
OOH They gave me alot of money!
How 'bout.. cannoncrews.
WOW ok
3 cannoncrews coming riigghhtt up!-
NOOOPPEEE
there we go, that looks good.
Go for it- wow- why did- why- why did you start out midair? That didn't make any sense.
Go, FIIREEE!!
There we go.
Well, you didn't hit anybody.
Good God, that one guy sure died.
Ooww
What're you doing, you assbags? (Canon Man) being assbags :/
Dont be such - Awww
You suck so mu-
Oh, my God Byee *Giggles uncontrollably*
That didn't work, I don't know why, but it didn't work.
So we're gonna overwhelm 'em with farmers.
We got our front line of farmers- It's- It's gonna come in like a... uh, uh, 'Hurricane Of Pain'
And then we're gonna have 'Shield Men', right up the butt
Straight-up 'Shield Men'
Making a- uh, uh, uh, uh ,uh a sturdy line of defense
And then
Uh, Comin' in from waaay downtown, is gonna be the- the 'Spear Men'.
Eh
They're- They're the other rogue element in this one.
No one knows what they're doin', no-
And then one peasant.
He's actually the king -trumpets in background-, but don't tell anybody,
He might die.
Get 'em!!
Get 'em boys!!
Get 'emmmmmmm!!!!!!
OOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUU
I actually look cool, I like that.
Very cinematic.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU
DEATH!!!
Wow, that was actually pretty cool.
Welp, this doesn't seem to work, but the 'Spear Men' are gonna come up and close this one out.
Oho, poke in da booty!
Oh no, I'm comin' for ya!
OH, YA CAN'T STOP ME
YEAH, IMMA GET 'CHA
Oh, they got googly eyes? I didn't even notice that!
They got little googly eyes!
AUGHHHH
OH NO!!!
He was mad cuz he was goin' towards the cemetary over there.
Welp, this did- Stay outta this!
Well, 'Crotch Stab' for the win... *Laughs*
This is so stupid, but I love it!
I see why you guys wanted me to play this.
All right, considering we have no goddamn idea what's- what's ahead of us,
We're just gonna "Sssspear Men' it- well that's- welp that's
Lemme just clear some of the "chuff" here
So we got that,
And then uh,
Catapult?
I could Hwatcha it?
I do love me a good 'Hwwwatcha'
I got three 'Hwatchas' ?
Oh my gaawd
Aw, I can't have three. D'okay–
Okay, one catapult.
GO!!!
Get 'em!
OMG they got shields
AUGHHHH IT'S DEVASTATION!!!
HOLY SHIT
That was awesome!
Oh, Gawd, catapult, don't go towards them! What're you doin'?? -sudden regret-
AUGH! You hit Larry! (LARRY NUUUUU)
You ass!!
What-? That's not an effective strategy!
Oh God.
Ugh.
Hit 'emmm!!!!!
God.
Anything would be better than this catapult, it's killed more guys than they have!
Oh, fuck yo- more of my guys anyway.
Oh, this is bullshit. Fuck you... STTTEEEEEEEEVVVVEEEEE
I'm gonna mercy on that one, Imma gonna mercy on that one.
But the 'Hwatcha' worked.
Like, holy crap, the Hwatcha really hhk'layed in to 'em.
Okay, so if I stack these up a little closer, it's gonna kill ALL of 'em, right? (WRONG)
And then just 'Spear Men'
Let me - Let me actually intelligently spread this out
Yeah, it seems pretty intelligent if you ask me
I'm a pretty intelligent guy, so I know what I'm doing.
HAAAAAAAAAAAA
WOOOOWWWWW
Ohhhh, man
THEY DIDN'T DIE??!!
Okay, never mind, I thought that was working, it was a-actually a pile of crap.
Let's try that again.
-Markimoo thinks to defeat enemy-
Muskets??
Maybe Muskets can punch through?
We're doing this revolutionary war style, it's gorilla fighting - God, I don't even need the last money.
Wow, what is that? Uh oh
Well,
Any day now.
A-
-holy shit-
Well, that SEEMED impressive, but once again, you killed your own guys.
DAAAAANNGGGG
DAAAAAANNNNNNGGGGG
Oh, if you guys could aim, this would be deadly!
WOOOWWW!
OH, MAN!
That was a slaughter!
They slaughtered them!
I'm gonna do more muskets
And have lines like this
Like this
N-Not quite as stupid as that.
N-Not quite as dense as this
This is smaller size
But it's not about the size of it, it's about what they do.
One GLORIOUS chariot, comin' up the middle!
Get 'em!
-SCREECH-
*laughs* What the hell is that, what is that, that's awesome!
Oh, that's so good!
Oh that's so good!!!
Get 'em, GET 'EM! YEAHHHH!!!!
Oh my Gawd! I think you got killed by your own dudes again, but WOW!
Don't shoot each other.
Don't shoot each other!
DON'T SHOOT EACH OTHER
DON'T SHOOT EACH OTHER!!
jeez
JEEZ
don't shoot each...
NOO!
NOOO!!!
Get him!!
Now would be good!
Ah, shit
Woahhhh, close to a head-shot there.
Okay, that chariot drive though... THAT was awesome.
'Kay, we're gonna lose this, but- Yeah, okay I-
Let me get to the... *babbling*
*babbling intensifies*
Okay, but- 'Kay, tha-that chariot run, that was awesome.
So we're gonna do lines of chariot, cuz- WOW
Get some!!!
GET SHREKED!!!
-screech-
Nice. Well- Oh
Wha- You're still going?!
Holy shit.
GET 'EMM!!
KILL 'EM DEADDD!!!
MURDER THEIR FAMILIES!
Wow, okay. That- That was not good. *Chuckles*
Ugh, shit.
Okay.
Alright, love this.
I love this.
Okay, so why is 'Archer'...
"Why would 'Archer' be better- More equivelant to a musket?"
Is the big question here.
Because a musket seems to be able
Well
That was all my money
Let's try this- try this one.
Line up boys!
Line 'em up!!
Line 'em up!!!
Any day now!!
*Gun shots*
Good job waiting.
Don't move forward. No! No! Steve!!!
AHHHHHHHHH!!!
Ah, he was taken out. I knew it was gonna happen.
Jesus, oh, God, nope, okay.
Alright, let's stop being dicks about this.
What's a poacher?
A million poachers? Sure.
It's what I call the- Oh. Ohhh, it's the mini archer.
Oh, that's not gonna do DIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCKKKKK.
Okay, so
We need something that can bash through their... defenses...
So what we need to do is we need to create clusters.
Of muskets.
Okay, this'll work. THIS'LL WORK.
Oh no, Oh no, NO. NO.
NO.
Where are you aiming??
AWWWWW.
Oh no
-Mark watches in shear horror-
Heh.
Okay, you guys- You guys were the expendables anyway so I guess you're just gonna die then.
Oh, they're exposed! All the shields are down! Get 'em!!!
Their shields are down! GET 'EM!!
Don't get each other, GET THEM!!!!
Don't charge into their blades, GET THEMMM!!!!!!!
GET 'EM!!
ONE MORE!!!!
YEAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Yay! Spreading out is an important military tactic. Okay. I'm gonna do one more level.
And that's gonna be the end of this one.
I don't know, this is kinda fun.
This is really fun. I really like this a lot.
Okay, lotta money.
So we need... 'Ballista'.
Ooh, right up in the corners, yeah. Two ballistas right in the corners.
I don't know what the enemy is, but I know this is gonna VEX them.
Unless the enemy IS the vex. Oh sheeit!!
'Kay, these guys are gonna be like the, uh, the, the, the, the, the, BAIT! Yeah, that's the word. The bait.
Kay, so peasants are over here. You're the EXPENDABLE ones. #expendables4life
Prepare to die.
Well, they fell over.
What- What is this ballista doing?
What?
WHAT?
HEY!
They got a lot of-
Oh my gawd.
Okay then.
Oookay, oh shit.
That
Wha-
Are we winnin-
WOOOW!!
Are you okay?
Uh- Wha- Fuck man!
Jesus!
Are you alright? Holy shit! Somehow he's alright.
He just shrugged that cannon right off!
Well, it'd- It'd help if you'd hit him.
THIS GUY IS INVINCIBLE!!
(Ballista man) WEEEEEE
MAN!
Oh my god!
Nice dodge, dude! (Ballista Man) Why thank u
Wow, you suck really badly. ( Ballista man) ok fuk u
You're great at surviving Balista) GOODBYE WORLD
YOU KILLED YOURSELF!!
YOU JUST BLEW YOURSELF UP, YOU DINGUS!!! (Ballista) haha biotch
So we're gonna do this even more differently than before. So.
It's gonna be expendables there, then straight up the middle of the shields with footmen- with spearmen right behind 'em.
Yeahh...
This is gonna get 'em.This is gonna get 'em. THIS GONNA GET 'EM.
Yeah, your stupid cannons floatin' in from outer space.
Why is my camp on that side and their camp on this side? This doesn't make any sense.
Get 'em!
Well, you could get the cannons. That'd be smart.
Yeah, spread out!
Zig Zag!
Yeah, git 'em!
Woah, shit.
AHHH
Ma grundle!
WAUGHHH
Can you...
Can you guys hurry up?
Yo, Skidaddle faster to the cannons because there seems to be a problem.
Hah!
Woah, you are lucky
God, man you are...
you are BRAVE
You are brave, sir.
You're friken brave as fuck.
Where... Where are you goin'?
Oh.
That guy.
He deserves to be BUTTSTABBED.
GET 'IM!!
Nice.
Can you guys... not.
Fail us please?
Heh.
OOH IMMA GET 'CHA!!
*laughter*
There's no one even ON that cannon anymore.
Moe! Godda-
Larry! LARRY!!
NOOO!!
LARRYY!!!
NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, Jesus.
Moe, you're not gonna be able to finish this...
Goddamn it!
Even- Even the cinematic music is bored
(In hillbily accent) ohhh i'm gonna get'em someday papa im gonna get'em!! It's gonna be goood! AUGHHHH!!!
Alright, I'm done
I'm done.
Alright, I'll finish up this level if I uh, play this game again. So lemme know if you guys want to see it again in the comments down below.
Thank you, everybody, so much for watching. And as always, I will see YOU in the next video! Buh-bye!