“Out of all the democratic presidential candidates,
if you had to be stuck with one of them in an elevator overnight,
who would you pick and why?”
This is from Barbara.
Um...
I would kick it with Hickenlooper just so I could find out who he is.
I’d be like, “Who are you? What’s your story?”
And then Elizabeth Warren
’cause she would definitely probably know how to fix the elevator.
She’ll be like, “I know how to do this, I have a book on it.”
“Did you watch the Fortnite world cup?”
Uh, I missed it.
We were writing the show so I was like, “Hey, just record it.”
But it’s crazy that that 16-year-old won $3 million.
You know there’s gonna be like a 30 for 30 on him in a few years.
It’ll be like, “What happened to Kyle?
He blew all his money on Mountain Dew Code Red and Doritos.”
Do you guys – Does anyone here play video games?
Nobody? Just you?
Why are people so embarrassed? Do you play video games?
I’m amazed that only, like, a few people play video games.
Or they – Nobody plays Fortnite?
Say what?
Same here.
But then, like, wasn’t that crazy when you look at, like, the total number?
Like, how much revenue it generated. It’s...
That I couldn’t believe. That was wild.
Played, past tense?
What? Wait, your love of the NHL is higher than video games?
Man, the NHL joke really rubbed you that, like, you were like… Fuck, okay.
You’re like, “Endemic sexism, all that stuff, that’s fine, farting, humping, cool.
NHL though, dude?”
I just said the NHL’s happy to be a part of the graph!
Damn, alright. Alright.
You play?
Why, why are we so embarrassed about this?
This is not–
Dude, this whole thing has become like herpes.
It’s like, we’re just not gonna talk about it? Alright.
Yeah.
But – So, okay who plays Fortnite?
Okay.
Does he freak out when you pull the iPad away?
I’ve seen so many meltdowns in airports.
Oh, after you saw the $3 million?
Are you Indian?
That’s such an Indian parent thing to say.
Like, “After seeing how much money you can make, I…”
Alright, “Which president from past to present time would you trade places with and why?”
This is from Sally.
Um...
I would say William Taft.
I read that he had a huge bathtub.
“What would be the way you would dictionary-depict an Indian fuckboy?”
This is from Preeti.
Um, I dunno, it’d be like,
it’d be like, uh, someone you know, who’s, like, with like a lined up beard, and,
They’re, like, really into sneakers, and…
and into black culture, and, uh, I dunno,
they think liking Jay-Z gives them a personality.
Oh wait.
Oh this is good, I like this.
Uh, “What’s your take on Brexit?”
Um...
I think the Boris Johnson thing’s hilarious.
He has to deliver by Halloween. He’s not going to.
I just think that, like, as Indians we should just be celebrating. This is karma, baby.
There’s Indian people in like, in his staff, right?
In his cabinet.
Which to– Which to me, that’s just beautiful.
What’s your theory? I think that they’re doing the long play?
You think they’re crazy but what if, what if this was a 70-year long play?
Right? After partition they’re like,
“Hear me out, our family – we’re gonna move to London, I’m gonna get up in that cabinet.”
Just be like, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, we should totally separate.”
don’t you think it’s just great payback for colonialism?
You don’t see it that way?
I’m like, you think they’re awful, I think they’re sleeper cells.
I’m like, “Oh, I see what– I see what’s going on.”
“What are you most hopeful about for your daughter’s future?”
Wow, alright.
You guys are writing some deep ones.
I think the amount of women getting involved in politics
is such a cool thing that she’s getting to see.
I mean, she can’t… She’s…
What if she was like, “This is awesome.”
She can’t even talk, like...
She, like, takes out her pacifier and she’s like...
Um, but no, it’s a still– It’s a small percentage
but, like, we’re seeing, you know, the AOCs, the Ilhans, it’s cool.
What’s that?
I think of that all the time.
I think about that all the time, I’m trying.
Fuck.
Yeah, I wish it went down to here.
But then it would look weird, like I’m like...
Dude, y’all are ruthless.
Like, can I live?
Like, Eddie, like.
I’m out here doing full on, these...
and now you’re just calling me out on my finger placement? Geez.
Dan, comedy in 2019 am I right, like, my pocket placement?
I think it’s a simple– but then I’m limited in the number of pants I can wear.
Be like, “These pants were great,”
“this doesn’t work.”
What if the solution was just sweats?
I just wear sweats.
I’m like, here up sweater, just sweats down–
Everyone’s like, “What’s up with them? But his–
did you see the way he puts his hands in his pockets?”
You feel like the popularity has changed me?
Oh, I thought it was a statement. I was like...
What if you guys met backstage you’re like,
“I’ll talk to him about his pockets, you talk to him about his...”
[laughs]
Uh, has changed me? This is – You guys are– this is getting, like, super deep.
Did my sister call you?
“Call him right now, he doesn’t call Mom enough, he doesn’t dah dah dah dah...”
Pockets, you think I’ve changed? You think I’m–
Yo, sometimes I’ve just gotta take the L.
I take the L. I concede, I concede.
Do you like the stripe, though? You like the stripe?
Come on, you gotta give me something.
I can’t live, I can’t – I can’t win. I can’t win.
You’ve gotta take this up with wardrobe.
You know what’s crazy, wardrobe–
You know, um, a philosopher named Tan France, once told me...
Fashion is about feeling comfortable in your own skin.
And I feel comfortable in my own skin even with – Yeah. In. My. Own. Skin.
I’m joking, I’m joking, I’m joking.
Oh, so you wanna know the full story?
So, UC Santa Cruz is just one of the jokes that we made on the show,
it’s like a running joke.
Did you go to SC, Santa Cruz?
But it’s a running– it’s a running joke on the show.
And uh, and then we were doing a big story about the Ivy Leagues.
And so, one of… one of our associate producers on the show went to Cornell
and I was like, “You’re smarter than me, like,
what’s Cornell’s ranking in terms of, like, all the Ivies?”
She’s like, “It’s kinda, like, on the lower.”
And then I’m like, “Oh, so it’s like the UC Santa Cruz of the Ivies?”
And she’s was like, “Heyyyyy.”
But she was a really good sport about it.
Why did you get destroyed? Because you represent all of Cornell?
You know what’s crazy I did a–
that UC Santa Cruz joke and then this guy came after me online
and he was like, “Hey man, how dare you make fun of UC Santa Cruz.
I have to go to job interviews.
You need to change your opinion about our school.”
And then he goes, “Lives are at stake.”
I’m like, damn you can’t... you can’t make fun of Santa Cruz, Cornell, the NHL, people!
Oh hell no. Eldest, are you kidding me?
That is such a younger sister question, oh my God.
Next! What? Yes!
What are the benefits of marrying a Patel besides the free hotels?
Nah, it’s beautiful. We have a– like, I have a huge family.
There’s a lot of, there’s a lot of people that are like, “I’m your wife’s cousin!”
Yeah, yeah, yeah that’s cool.
Yeah, yeah. I now love Babu Ji. Babu Ji’s great.
It’s great. What’s up?
What do I have against Naila Aunty?
Ohhhhh.
You just needed a really great aunty name.
Naila Aunty is a great, it’s a great... it’s a classic.
I know, but it’s so specific, it has a nice ring to it.
Yeah, It’s like, it’s like, it’s like for an uncle name, Irfan is a great name, like.
“Irfan,” like it just has a good ring to it.
I know. I… You know if I’ve learned one thing – Can you record this for the podcast?
If I’ve learned one thing today, I’ve learned I have a lot of faults that,
Eddie, I’ve gotta change about myself.
I’ve gotta change my pants, I gotta change my position on the NHL.
I gotta stop making fun of Cornell.
And Naila Aunty.