Hi guys, welcome back to my channel. In today's video, I'm going to be talking to you about
parental separation anxiety. This is something that I have suffered with for the past seven
years, since I had my first son, Frasier, and I would say I've had it quite severely.
I wanted to make a video on this because no one ever talks about it. I didn't even know
this was actually a thing until recently and lots of you will know about separation anxiety
in terms of your children having it. My 15-month-old son at the moment definitely has separation
anxiety. Whenever I leave the room, he will cry. But, this is the other way around. So,
I get very bad anxiety when I'm away from my children.
So yes, I wanted to talk to you about it today and see if anyone else is feeling the same,
or you may have this anxiety and you may not even realize it. You might feel the same things
as me and think, "Oh, that's what I have," because I honestly didn't realize that it
was a thing. I just thought I was a bit crazy as a new mother because you're so hormonal
and stuff. No one ever talks about it the other way around, parental separation anxiety,
because I think being a parent and the subject of parenting is a very sensitive subject.
We all want to come across as if we are coping very well, we're good moms. And I would say
that lots of you think I am, just from the messages and comments that I get on my videos.
"You're like Super Mom." "You're so organized," and stuff like that.
I think I can come across that way now as a mom of three, but if I had my blog when
I was a first time mom seven years ago, you would have seen a very different Emily. You
would have seen a hot mess who was very emotional. I feel emotional even thinking about it. Oh
God. It's going to be one of those kind of videos where I cry.
I'm back, but what I was saying is that coping with this type of anxiety has been extremely
overwhelming and I have felt very alone, so I wanted to share it with you so if you have
it as well, hopefully it will make you feel less alone and less like a complete psycho
mom and a bit more normal. I should probably also say that I'm obviously not a doctor or
an expert. I'm just a mom who has experienced this, and if I'm honest, it's probably something
that I still need to get help with. So, I'm just sharing my story. I am not an expert
or anything like that. But yes, what parental separation anxiety is, it is basically very
strong, overwhelming feelings of anxiety and also I've had panic attacks when I am away
from my children.
Different things can trigger this, so you might start experiencing this when your child
first starts nursery or when they first start school. For me though, it started literally
from the day Frasier was born. I had overwhelming feelings that are actually making me cry again.
Oh for God sake. Yeah, whenever he was out of my sight, whenever I wasn't holding him,
I would never be away from him. Literally from the day he was born, it was no one cut
the cord. Well, that's what I would have wanted. I just had a huge amount of anxiety when he
wasn't with me. It didn't matter if it was with my husband or my mother or anything.
If someone said to me, "Oh, should I just take the buggy out around the block?" I would
just be like, "No. No, don't take him out of my sight."
So, it was very, very overwhelming, and I think for me, I know now why I was the way
that I was. If you've seen my draw my life video, you may also be able to piece the pieces
of the puzzle together. If you haven't seen it, I will link it down below, but I will
give a trigger warning here, because it's not the happiest watch ever. As a child, I
suffered child abuse and neglect at the hands of my father. My parents split up when I was
very young. Well, my mom ran away from him pretty much when I was three, but we still
had to visit him on the weekends, and it was on those weekends that me and my sister would
go and we would experience abuse.
I won't go into it, because I know I do have some quite young viewers, so if you want to
go ahead and watch that video, you can. But, we suffered abuse and neglect, like awful
things, physical abuse, other abuse, which was awful. And it just was neglect in that
for instance my mom said once she sent us there on Halloween, so the Friday was Halloween,
so we had face paint on and went trick-or-treating or whatever, and we came back home to my mom
on a Sunday, still with the face paint on, stuff like that. So, we were really neglected
and I vividly remember my sister kind of raising, but on those weekends my sister would take
care of me. Oh for God's sakes. Sorry.
So, on those weekends, my sister would basically take care of me in every way possible as much
as a six-year-old child can do, and that's horrible because it makes me think of Frasier
looking after Caleb. But, my sister would make me food. We lived off of Kraft dinner.
The Canadians will know what Kraft dinner is. It's basically an easy to make pasta,
so we lived off Kraft dinner and hot dogs. And those weekends were just awful. The worst
thing ever. Maybe one day I'll write a book about it that no one will want to read.
So, that happened to me as a child, and I think that I will get through this video.
So anyway, that happened, and as a result I learned from a very young age that I was
only ever safe with my mom and as I grew up, I think actually, considering everything that
happened to us, my sister and I have coped very well with growing up and in education
and becoming part of society. I think we've actually done really well, and all this anxiety
and the past, it never presented itself to me until I was a mother. So, as soon as Frasier
was born and the minute I looked at him, it was like all these feelings came flooding
back to me of fear, of worry, and of knowing that I was only ever safe with my mom, therefore
Frasier is only safe with me. That's obviously ridiculous to say out loud, but my subconscious
was screaming alarms like, "Oh my gosh, don't let him out of your sight. No one can look
after him like you can, etc."
I will just say that I think that I personally have this anxiety quite severely because of
all these things, but you could also experience this anxiety if nothing bad has ever happened
to you or if you don't even know why it's happening. My best friend also has this, and
she had a lovely childhood and everything. It just happened to her as well. So, I would
just say it's different for different people and the way that it's presented itself to
me is I've experienced general anxiety and the feelings that come with that, of worry
and of just being very anxious, panic attacks, as I said. But, I've also experienced feelings
of depression, anger, because I'm just so fricking angry. My dads were so crappy anyway,
and then to leave me with this just makes me really angry.
Also, I think one of the worst things for me is the horrible thoughts that come into
my head, because I think for most parents, most moms, you'll be able to rationalize.
You'll have a horrible thought, because I think when we love someone so much we have
these horrible thoughts, but for me because it was actually a reality, I did experience
those horrible things, I was even kidnapped by my dad and stuff like that a few times,
so for me it's like, "But it could happen." On one side of my brain I'm like, "Don't be
ridiculous. He'll be absolutely fine. It's his dad or it's someone I trust. It's a nursery
that's amazing." But then on the other side of my brain I'm like, "But it could happen
because it happened to you and you know exactly what that felt like and it was awful."
So, I think it's actually kind of made me a little bit crazy. I can see how people go
crazy because one side of my brain is like, "No." And one side of my brains is like, "But
yes." And even if I was going to hand over my baby to my husband Matt, I would feel it
and it's like, "Don't be ridiculous. It's his dad. He loves him so much," but then on
the other side it's like, "But what did your dad do?" I would describe the main ways that
I feel as a huge amount of heavy guilt, more than normal mom guilt I would say, just awful,
horrible guilt and also longing. Just longing to be with my children, and then once I'm
back with them, a huge surge of relief and, "I've got them back."
Things of being hot and worried and anxious and mainly fear, just fear for my son and
when he started nursery, because I did have to go back to work when Frasier turned 10
months old, I tried to do everything in my power to not go back to work. But, apparently
mortgages don't pay themselves, which is really annoying, so I had to do it. I know Matt felt
awful that he couldn't say, "Quit." It was a really hard time. But anyway, I had to put
him nursery and I looked at every single nursery in the world and I picked the best one that
I could find and every time I went in and I had to hand him over, as I was handing him
over I didn't want to and I had these huge alarms in my head. "Do not do what you're
about to do because something awful is going to happen."
Sorry this video is all over the place. I'm trying to get through it. But yes, with Frasier,
he never left my side for the first five months since he was born. I was very protective and
lots of people around me did not understand that at all. They thought I was being rude.
They thought I was being overprotective, which I was. But, I never left his side ever until
he got to five months old and I really needed my roots done and I really didn't want to
take him into the hair salon with me because obviously I have some bleach and I thought
I didn't want him here on me if I was having my hair done. So, I finally arranged with
Matt that I would go and have my hair done for two hours and that Matt would come and
he would sit in the Starbucks nextdoor to the place where I was having it done. He would
sit there, and I would sit there, and I would have my hair done. So, that's what we agreed
and like bless my husband, he is amazing. He is so supportive. Anyway, that's another
story.
So, I went and had my hair done and I'm not even kidding when I say I cried uncontrollably
the whole time. My poor hairdresser must have been like, "What the heck is this basket case
of woman doing?" Because I was like, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I've left my son for the first
time," and then I just bawled the whole time. She must have thought I was completely insane.
But yeah, I suffered with it massively. It has definitely got better over time. Time
has been great. And also, I think I got a bit better with each child, because I've kind
of taught myself that it is going to be okay, but nevertheless, I still have it really badly
to the point of I've missed out on opportunities, work opportunities, fun opportunities, my
best friend's hen do. We've never had a weekend away. Matt and I have never had a weekend
away. I've never had a night away really.
I've actually been away now for an evening away from the boys, but I will leave once
I put them to bed. My anxiety seems to be worse at night. I hate the thought of someone
else putting them to bed for some reason. I'm actually okay once they're asleep. I can
go out for dinner with Matt and enjoy that and I'm less bothered about them waking up
in the morning. But anyway, we've never been away for a weekend away, and it's something
that I know that I will need to sort out. I think while I have very young children I've
been able to get away with it. It's understandable that you don't want to leave a baby for a
weekend or something. But, it's actually Matt's 40th birthday in three years' time. I know
we've got three years, but I'm already getting anxious about this. He would love to go to
New York for a weekend away and I'm already psyching myself up for it. Jackson would be
four by then, Caleb seven and Frasier 10, so I'm hoping I'll be able to do it.
I may have to seek out some help in the meantime. I feel like this video's probably not being
that helpful because I haven't completely sorted out. I do some things that help, which
I will tell you about. But, I might look at getting some ... I don't really want to have
counseling because I don't really want to talk about it all the time, but I was thinking
maybe hypnosis would help be, because I responded so well to hypnosis for birth. So, that might
be something that I look into and just like, "It's going to be okay. It's going to be fine."
I also really wanted to say that in my experience, the way that I act and the way that I am is
not because I don't trust the person I'm handing my child over to. I used to have it even giving
them over to Matt, who is their dad who I know loves them more than anyone. He's literally
as good as me. Also the nursery, I completely trust the nursery or my mom or Matt's mom
or anyone like that. I completely was trusting them. I knew he was going to be fine, but
then I think they would get the feeling of I didn't think that because I would do little
things to try to control the situation as much as I could. For instance, I would provide
a packed lunch for Frasier going to nursery because I knew that's what he would like and
I would write notes of his routine and that might be why I'm so obsessed with routines.
I do love a routine anyway, but this might be also why, because it was a way of me controlling
the situation even when I wasn't there, and that might be something that you see that
you do as well.
It would be a way of coping, is what I'm trying to say. It was a way of managing things. So,
when Frasier was a baby and went to nursery, I would spend weekends cooking up all these
batches of food. I even bought a second freezer to freeze it all so that he would be able
to have this healthy, home cooked, organic food even when I wasn't there. So, those are
things.
Me and my friends used to joke that I was this psycho mom, and a few of my friends are
as well, and actually looking back, I think it was just this. It was just this anxiety
that I have and I don't think I'm over it. I doubt I ever will be over it, but I know
it's something that I need to get hold of before it affects the boys or anything like
that, or experiences that they have. I actually feel really proud of myself that they have
not picked up on it. I don't think they've picked up on it. That's one of the hardest
things about it, is being strong for them and putting on this show of, "Oh, you've got
nursery today. You're going to have so much fun with your friends. I can't wait. It's
going to be fun. It's going to be great." And then handing them over and they don't
want to go because they've got separation anxiety and everything inside of you is grabbing
onto them like you don't want them to go either.
So, it's heightened. Everything is worse. I was like uncontrollably crying when Frasier
first had his nursery tester day without me. I think it was like three hours long, and
I'm not even exaggerating when I say I cried the entire time. Also, on his first day of
school and Caleb's first day of school, I was very, very bad. And then I felt when Frasier
started year one I might be better. Nope. Cried my eyes. And year two, yeah, cried my
eyes out.
So, it's something that I think I'll always struggle with and I will definitely try and
get help, but yeah. I don't know if this video's actually being very helpful or not, but I
hope that it has been interesting for me to share my story. I know loads of people suffer
from anxiety, so many people. I think it's like one in 12 people have anxiety of some
kind. So, although I went through life never having it, it was I had a baby, boom. Hit
me like a ton of bricks. So, yes, hopefully I'll be able to get over it one day. My friends
and I, they know what I'm like and we're planning a ... why am I crying? We're planning a spa
night away because I think I'll be able to leave the boys with Matt in the first instance
and maybe if I can get through leaving them with Matt and then they're okay, then maybe
one day Matt and I could have a night away or a day away.
Yeah, I feel very lucky to have such an amazing and supportive husband. I know that's like
blah, but he has never, ever pressured me. I'm sure that other men might be like, "Oh,
you know, really need some time. Would love[inaudible 00:17:31]," like some time away from the kids
kind of thing. But, he has never pressured me at all. He's been amazing. This is something
that I want to sort out for myself and also for the boys. I don't want them to miss out
on anything and I'm sure in the not so distant future there will be birthdays, sleepovers,
stuff like that, that they'll want to go to. School trips and stuff. So, I need to suck
it up and get it together.
But yes, anyway, I hope you liked this video and me sharing my very honest experience with
parental separation anxiety. Thank you so much as always for watching, and please comment
below if you have felt the same because it will make me feel better and also if you have
any tips, I would love to hear those as well. I think those kind of things really help everyone
else watching because I know they'll read the comments as well. So, thank you so much,
and I will see you very soon. Bye guys.