ANTHONY WEINER, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS CARLOS DANGER,
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE MONGOOSE, IS AT IT AGAIN.
WE TOLD YOU, WE
TOLD YOU.
A LITTLE WHILE BACK, A WEEK OR TWO AGO, HE COMES OUT
WITH ANOTHER TEXTING SITUATION, HE GOT CATFISHED BY SOME GUY IN
NEW YORK, AND HE HAD WRITTEN TO THAT PERSON THINKING THEY WERE
AN ATTRACTIVE YOUNG WOMAN, I AM DECEPTIVELY STRONG LIKE A
MONGOOSE.
AT THE TIME, I SAID THE MONGOOSE IS LOOSE, AND HE
SAID NO, NO, I KNEW I WAS BEING CATFISHED, I WAS PLAYING BACK
WITH THAT PERSON, OF COURSE I DIDN'T MEAN IT, I WAS KIDDING
AROUND.
I WAS LIKE, NO YOU AREN'T, YOU ARE HOOKED, YOU ARE
ADDICTED, YOU CAN'T STOP.
SO OBVIOUSLY THIS TIME AROUND HE
GETS CAUGHT AND HE CANNOT DENY IT, AND THEY GOT HIM AGAIN.
JEEZUM LORD MERCY.
THIS TIME AMONG THE TWEETS HE IS CAUGHT
WITH IS, HE SENDS A BUNCH TO THIS WOMAN, I WILL SHOW YOU WHAT
HE SENT AND ALL THE TERRIBLE THINGS, INCLUDING HIS KID BEING
INVOLVED -- I WILL SHOW YOU IN A SECOND.
BUT AT SOME POINT HE
THINKS, OH NO, I ACCIDENTALLY MADE IT PUBLIC AGAIN, THAT IS
HOW HE GOT CAUGHT IN THE FIRST TWITTER SCANDAL.
HE WAS A
CONGRESSMAN, HE STEPPED DOWN, HE RUNS FOR MAYOR, HE IS WINNING
THE RACE, WE FIND OUT THE SECOND TWITTER SCANDAL WHERE HE IS
SENDING DICK PICS TO PEOPLE, NOW THE THIRD ONE IS THIS ONE.
WHEN
HE THINKS HE SENT IT TO THE PUBLIC LIKE HE DID THE FIRST
TIME AROUND, HE GOES, OH, I WAS SCARED, FOR HALF A SECOND I
THOUGHT I POSTED SOMETHING.
STOP LOOKING AT MY CROTCH, HE SAYS.
I'M GOING TO EXPLAIN THAT MORE IN-DEPTH BECAUSE THAT INVOLVES
HIS KID IN A SECOND.
BUT FIRST LET ME TELL YOU WHO THIS IDIOT
WAS SENDING THE TWEETS TO.
SHE IS A SELF-AVOWED SUPPORTER OF
DONALD TRUMP AND THE NATIONAL RIFLE ASSOCIATION WHO HAS USED
TWITTER TO BASH BOTH PRESIDENT OBAMA AND CLINTON.
WEINER, HOW
DUMB DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO SEND INAPPROPRIATE CROTCH SHOTS AND
MASTURBATORY TWEETS TO A DONALD TRUMP SUPPORTER?
YOU THINK SHE
IS NOT GOING TO OUT YOU, EVEN IF EVERYTHING ELSE WENT RIGHT?
IT'S
UNBELIEVABLE.
IT'S SO UNBELIEVABLE, THE FIRST TIME THE
FIRST OF THESE THREE SCANDALS CAME OUT I DIDN'T BELIEVE IT.
COME ON, HE'S A SMART CONGRESSMAN WITH SOME EFFECTIVE
POLICIES, NOBODY COULD BE THIS DUMB.
IT TURNS OUT HE HAS A
PROBLEM, HE REALLY DOES.
LET ME SHOW YOU THE NEW YORK POST
HEADLINE THAT CAME OUT IMMEDIATELY, POP GOES THE
WEINER, OF COURSE.
DADDY SEXTS WHILE TAKING CARE OF TOT,
BECAUSE ONE OF THE PICTURES HAS HIS SON IN IT.
LET ME GIVE YOU
THE CONTEXT, HE HAD BEEN TALKING ABOUT HER NOT JUST ABOUT SEX,
SHE SHARED PICTURES OF HER NIECES AND NEPHEWS, AND I ASSUME
IN ORDER TO SEE MORE WHOLESOME HE SAYS, LOOK WHO CRAWLED INTO
BED WITH ME, AND TAKES A PICTURE WITH HIS SON AND SENDS IT TO
HER.
THEN SHE STARTS SAYING I CAN SEE YOUR CROTCH IN THAT
PICTURE, AND HE IS LIKE SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
DON'T START THAT WHEN YOUR KID IS IN
THE PICTURE AND YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT YOUR GENITALIA.
I GOT IT,
DUDE, YOU'VE GOT GOOD ABS, THANK GOD I DON'T HAVE GOOD ABS,
EVERYBODY WITH GOOD ABS TAKES OFF THEIR SHIRT RIGHT AWAY.
PIC,
PIC, PIC, AND SEND IT TO EVERYONE.
LET ALONE IF YOU'VE
GOT GOOD ABS AND WHAT WEINER HAS GOT.
IT'S WHAT'S DONE HIM IN, HE
CAN'T WAIT TO SHOW EVERYBODY.
LOOK AT MY DICK, THAT IS WHAT HE
KEEPS SAYING IN EVERY TWEET.
YOU WILL SEE THE UGLY DETAILS OF
THAT IN THE SECOND.
WHY WAS HE SO EXCITED?
LET'S KEEP IT REAL,
HE WAS SENDING THE TWEETS TO THIS LOVELY LADY -- THAT'S THE
TRUMP SUPPORTER FROM ACROSS THE COUNTRY WHO HAD GOTTEN HIM SO
INTERESTED AND EXCITED.
HE SAYS, "WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS FOR
SOME TIME."
FRIENDS, OF COURSE.
BUT YOU COULD SEE THROUGH THE
TWEETS THAT EVERY TIME THERE WAS AN OPPORTUNITY, WEINER REDIRECTS
THE CONVERSATION TO SEX.
SHE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG, SHE'S
NOT A PUBLIC FIGURE, THIS GUY BEFRIENDS HER AND THEN REDIRECTS
IT TO SEX, YES SHE PLAYS ALONG AT TIMES, I DON'T THINK THAT'S
HER FAULT AND SHE'S NOT THE ISSUE, BUT IF YOU ARE JUST
FRIENDS WHY DO YOU KEEP TALKING ABOUT YOUR PENIS?
IN ONE OF THE
TIMES HE TALKS ABOUT HIS PENIS, HE SAYS I'D PUT SOMEONE'S EYE
OUT WITH THIS THING.
#OVERDUE.
AY, YI, YI.
JESUS.
SHE PLAYS
ALONG, SHE SENDS PROVOCATIVE PICTURES LIKE THE ONES YOU SAW,
SHE SENDS ONE OF HER BUTTOCKS, IF YOU WILL, WITH A SLIGHT TEAR
IN HER PANTS, AND HE SAYS I'LL NEED A BIGGER HOLE.
HE ADDS A
SMILING EMOJI WITH TONGUE STICKING OUT.
ALWAYS CLASSY,
THAT WEINER.
AND OF COURSE HERE COMES WEINER'S WEIRD TWEETING,
WHAT HE USED TO BE SEDUCTION.
GUESS WHO VISITED ME IN A DREAM
LAST NIGHT?
YOU, OBV.
ARE YOU 14?
TO MAKE IT CLEAR HE SAYS I
DID NOT SLEEP WELL, HORNY AS FUCK.
I'VE GOT YOU, BROTHER.
THAT HE TALKS ABOUT HOW SHE'S HIS FANTASY GIRL AND HE SAYS, I
MEAN LITERALLY.
SO NOW YOU KNOW HOW I GOT TO SLEEP LAST NIGHT,
ADDING A PURPLE DEMON EMOJI, BECAUSE HE WASN'T CHILDISH
ENOUGH.
ANTHONY, WE'VE GOT IT, YOU ARE MASTURBATING TO HER.
WE
ALL UNDERSTAND, PLEASE FOR ONCE PUT IT AWAY.
BUT HE'S NOT DONE
YET.
SHE RESPONDS BACK, HE SAYS I TEXT MYSELF TOO MUCH ON THAT
ONE.
ANYWAY, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
ADDING A WINKING TONGUE
OUT EMOJI.
PUT THE TONGUE BACK IN, YOU ARE A NATIONAL
EMBARRASSMENT.
FINALLY IF ALL OF THIS WASN'T OBSCENELY CLEAR
ENOUGH, AFTER SHE SENT HIM A CARTOON IMAGE OF A PUMP BOTTLE
OF HAND LOTION AND A BOX OF TISSUES, HE RESPONDED WITH A
GRAPHIC HOMEMADE TEXTED EMOJI IMAGE OF AN EJACULATING PENIS.
THE THING I FIND MOST AMAZING ABOUT THIS STORY IS THAT SOMEONE
HAS ENOUGH TIME TO MAKE HOMEMADE EMOJIS.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT
EXISTED PICTURE WIENER IN HIS HOUSE, I'VE GOT TO CRAFT THIS
HOMEMADE EMOJI OF ANY EJACULATING PENIS -- DUDE, GET A
JOB.
BUT NOT A WHACK JOB.
JUST VENT IN OTHER WAYS.
SOMEBODY I
WAS TALKING TO THIS MORNING MADE A GOOD POINT, HE SAID MAYBE
WEINER'S THING IS PUBLIC HUMILIATION.
SERIOUSLY, BECAUSE
THIS IS A WHOLE DIFFERENT LEVEL.
THE INTERNAL HUMILIATION MAY BE
IS NOT ENOUGH OF A TURN ON, HE'S TRYING TO GET CAUGHT, THAT'S WHY
HE GOT CAUGHT THE FIRST TIME, SO HE CAN BE PUBLICLY HUMILIATED IN
FRONT OF EVERYONE SO HE CAN DO PURPLE DEMON EMOJIS AND THE
THING -- TONIGHT HE'S PROBABLY THINKING [STARS AND STRIPES
FOREVER] SOUND EFFECT.
SO NOW THE FALLOUT AND THE
CONSEQUENCES, HE APPARENTLY HAD A COLUMN WITH THE DAILY NEWS --
GONE.
WE WON'T BE RUNNING HIS COLUMNS IN THE FUTURE.
HIS WIFE
IS OF COURSE HUMA ABEDIN, SHE'S GOT TO BE MORTIFIED, THEY HAVE A
KID, SHE DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS PUBLIC ALIENATION, THAT IS NOT
HER THING.
WHAT DID YOU DO THAT TO HER FOR?
SHE SAYS AFTER A
LONG AND PAINFUL CONSIDERATION AND WORK ON MY MARRIAGE I'VE
MADE THE DECISION TO SEPARATE FROM MY HUSBAND.
BOY, DID SHE
TRY.
THROUGH ALL THOSE DIFFERENT SCANDALS, SHE STUCK WITH HIM
BECAUSE THEY'VE GOT A KID, BUT NOW FINALLY SHE'S GOT TO CALL IT
A DAY AND OF COURSE IT MAKES SENSE.
AND I WANT TO LEAVE YOU
WITH ONE ANTHONY WEINER TWEET HE SENT TO THIS WOMAN -- HE WAS
TRYING TO ENTICE HER TO COME TO NEW YORK, HE ALWAYS SAYS THIS IS
FANTASY, HE WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING, BUT THE ENTIRE TIME
HE'S LIKE COME TO TOWN, WE WILL DO SOMETHING TOGETHER.
HE ALWAYS
WANTED TO TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL, AND ALL HIS DIFFERENT
CONTROVERSIES, AND YOU CALL YOURSELF DUMB THINGS LIKE CARLOS
DANGER AND THE MONGOOSE.
SO HE SAYS TO GET HER TO COME, LET'S
GET TOGETHER, I'M A BIG WHEEL IN THIS TOWN.
NOT ANYMORE, ANTHONY.
NOT ANYMORE.
SO LONG, MR.
WEINER.