HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) DON'T LIE TO ME.
(LAUGHTER) WE'RE ALL FEELING A LITTLE OFF
TODAY.
AND WE KNOW WHY.
>> Jon: WE KNOW.
IT'S DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME.
IT'S MY LEAST FAVORITE HOLIDAY.
FOR ONE THING, THE PARADE IS HORRIBLE.
AT LEAST I ASSUME IT IS.
I ALWAYS MISS IT BECAUSE I'M AN HOUR LATE FOR EVERYTHING.
IT'S SO UNFAIR.
IT'S THE LEAST FAIR THING IN THE ENTIRE YEAR.
AMERICANS ARE WORKING LONGER HOURS, AND THE ONLY BREAK MOST
OF US GET IS A LITTLE EXTRA SLEEP ON THE WEEKENDS.
WHICH I USE TO STRESS-DREAM ABOUT WORK!
THEN ONE DAY A YEAR, THE GOVERNMENT COMES IN UNDER COVER
OF DARKNESS AND STEALS A PRECIOUS HOUR OF SLEEP FROM US.
THE NEXT DAY, I WAKE UP THINKING I'M GOING TO HAVE A NICE,
RELAXING SUNDAY.
BUT THEN I CHECK MY PHONE, SEE THE REAL TIME, AND I TURN INTO A
CRAZY PERSON YELLING AT HIS PHONE.
"YOU BETRAYED ME!
NOW I WON'T FEEL GUILTY WHEN I DROP YOU IN A TOILET."
SO I'M OVER IT.
ESPECIALLY THE PHRASE "SPRING FORWARD".
HUH-UH.
DON'T TRY TO MAKE IT SOUND FUN.
I'M NOT "LEAPING" INTO THE FUTURE!
I'M BARELY HOISTING MYSELF OUT OF BED.
AND IT'S DANGEROUS.
THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE.
STUDIES HAVE FOUND THERE'S AN INCREASE IN AUTO ACCIDENTS THE
MONDAY AFTER DAYLIGHT SAVINGS.
EVEN OUR CARS ARE TIRED.
(LAUGHTER) MY QUESTION IS -- AND I THINK
THIS IS A REASONABLE QUESTION -- WHY DOES IT HAVE TO HAPPEN ON
THE WEEKEND?
WHY CAN'T THEY DO IT ON A WEDNESDAY AT 4:00?
"HEY LOOK, NOW IT'S 5:00.
TIME TO GO HOME."
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) HOORAH!
RAH!
REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES, IF YOU WANT TO STOP TRUMP, MAKE THAT
YOUR PLATFORM.
LAUGH I MEAN, IT'S TOTALLY ARBITRARY
ANYWAY.
TIME'S JUST A CONSTRUCT!
IT USED TO BE 2:00 A.M., NOW IT'S 3:00 A.M.
WE ALL AGREE TO LIVE BY THESE RULES, BUT WHERE DO THEY EVEN
COME FROM?
EVERYONE SAYS YOU HAVE TO WEAR CLOTHES AND YOU CAN'T JUST GO TO
WORK IN YOUR UNDERWEAR, EXCEPT IF YOU'RE A LIFE GUARD.
(LAUGHTER) AND WE'RE ALLOWED TO EAT SOME
ANIMALS, BUT NOT THE KIND YOU KEEP AS PETS.
AND YOU'RE NEVER ALLOWED TO EAT HUMANS.
BUT YOU ALSO CAN'T KEEP THEM AS PETS!
WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THEM?
ALSO, AT THIS POINT, I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD TELL YOU I'M ON A LOT
OF COLD MEDICATION.
I CAUGHT SOMETHING BAD OVER THE WEEKEND.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE HELPED?
AN EXTRA HOUR OF SLEEP.
(APPLAUSE) THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN GREAT!