[ Cheers and applause ]
Hi, guys.
So, a lot of losers on YouTube
complain that all female comics talk about are their vaginas.
So that's what I'm gonna do tonight.
I have to.
Seriously, guys, to put a long vulva short,
I have labia that just don't quit, all right?
I know.
I thought all vaginas looked like mine
until I was 20 years old,
and I heard Dane Cook tell this joke.
One thing, a turn-off --
I don't like a girl with a lot of lips.
I don't like that.
Yeah. I don't like it when it looks like a box of cow tongues.
I don't like it when it looks like
a high-school-play curtain, right?
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, it's funny.
That's what pissed me off,
because that is my vagina.
There's actually a production of "Brigadoon"
happening down there right now.
[ Laughter ]
Look. Those whacky...characters.
[ Laughs ]
But after hearing that joke -- I'm serious --
I did some research on vaginas, and --
Okay, I watched some porn.
And I was shocked
because every porn vagina I saw was so perfect --
just trim and tiny.
Their pussies were like Ariana Grande
while mine is like nachos grande.
You feel bad about yourself when you eat it.
I jack up the price to $11 at ballparks.
A lot of similarities.
[ Laughter ]
But I wanted what these porn stars had.
So I considered the ultimate solution.
Genocide.
[ Laughter ]
Just kidding.
Labiaplasty.
Have you heard of it?
It is a surgery
where a doctor basically Benihanas your pussy
till it's small enough to flip into your aunt's mouth.
[ Laughing ] I considered it.
I considered it,
but I couldn't do it after getting my butthole refinished.
It was very expensive.
So when I read in
that labiaplasties are becoming increasingly popular,
especially among teens, I was not surprised.
I had so many questions about labiaplasty,
so I sat down with Dr. Jennifer Berman
to learn all about designer vaginers.
Dr. Berman, why would a woman get labiaplasty?
Okay.
And if there is a redundancy,
meaning length -- increased length --
Redundancy -- I like that, where you're just like,
"Okay, I get it, vagina."
On and on and on and on.
And if it interferes with sexual relations
or it's irritating when they exercise,
Right.
Have you noticed a trend in more women getting labiaplasties?
I've noticed a trend in more people talking about it,
extremely self-conscious about their genital areas.
I'm one of those women
who have definitely started talking about it more
because I would look at porn,
which, of course, they're all, like,
these tiny, little God's little whisper of a vagina,
and I would see that, and I'd say,
"Oh, I guess that's what everyone wants."
You hear guys -- "Oh, roast beef sandwich.
You look like --" You just go,
"[ Laughs ] That must be gross."
And then you're like, "I'm disgusting."
What's driving women's insecurity
is that we think men think it's beautiful.
Like, I feel like this,
it's like, they stick out, like, that much.
I could pull them out like to here probably.
That's normal.
Yeah.
It's like a little, like --
You know like a little dog's soft little tongue peeking out?
All right, I get it.
All right, so, there's a little bit
of what we call "labial show,"
Ooh! I --
That's gonna be my Broadway play.
Labial Show.
You did it. You named it for me.
So, there's sexual sensations that are in that area.
It also adds a little bit of length to the vagina,
so it kind of grabs along the outside,
so there's a functional purpose to the labia.
[ Laughs ]
Yeah.
So, what are some of the drawbacks
of getting labiaplasty?
I've seen some majorly botched labiaplasties.
Yes.
Changing it, mutilating it, even, to some degree.
So you shouldn't just get it willy-nilly.
You certainly shouldn't do it just for cosmetic reasons.
I'm leaving this conversation feeling, like,
I love it, and I just want to spread the love.
Can I get a hug?
Come here.
I'm so glad you're so comfortable.
I love you. Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
So, look.
If you're labes are causing you actual physical pain,
do what you need to do, absolutely.
But if they're not, let sleeping lips lie.
Unless you're posing for
some vagina of the month calendar, I guess,
which even then, like, wouldn't you want yours to stand out?
Like, let's make this a September to remember.
[ Laughter ]
And why risk losing sexual sensation
just to look "acceptable" for a
guy whose dick can barely tell the difference
beautiful a pussy and a thermos of warm SpaghettiOs?
[ Laughter ]
And if someone is shitty enough to make fun of your labia,
surgery is not gonna help
because the problem is not with your pussy.
It's with the pussy you're letting inside your pussy,
so try cutting that off first.
In the meantime,
let's all embrace who we are, all right?
I have big naturals, and I'm proud.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thanks, guys. We'll be right back.
Anyone else?
Anyone else got big --
You do? Oh, yeah.