- Hello, cyber traveler, you look exhausted.
Why don't you take a load off and allow me to walk you
through a relaxation technique that will help melt away the
stress you've been under at work.
(slapping)
Your boss sucks. I get it.
And I mean, you could go get a massage,
but that's expensive and you basically have to get
naked in front of a stranger and it's uncomfortable.
Let me introduce you to a wild Indian masseur
whose techniques are so progressive, so
avant-garde that simply by watching him along with me,
it will melt away all the stress you have in the problem
areas in your life.
(frightful music)
So this is a man named Asim Barber off a channel called
Healthy ASMR, little diamond in the rough,
and he's kind of crazy,
and it's awesome.
(mallet smacking)
Ah, Good Lord!
I can feel that through the screen.
I hope he consented to that.
I guess he did.
So put on an Anu record,
throw a little lotion on your back and get ready
for some of the most incredible techniques
you've ever witnessed.
And I promise it gets better as we go.
(clothes shuffling)
Tuck that collar in.
(towel snaps)
Bam, with the towel snap.
Commanding presence right out of the gates.
When you have a man that can snap a towel with such ferocity
and turn it immediately into a gentle,
adornment on the shoulders of his subject,
you know you're dealing with one of the best.
(bottle spraying)
Just a light spritz to get things going.
And his first move here, calling into the bullpen.
Oop. Oh-
(fingers cracking)
Methodical.
If you didn't catch that, I want you to watch that again.
When you see a technique like this,
it's like watching Mike Tyson or Michael Jordan
in their prime going to work.
And all you can do is just stare in awestruck wonder.
(hands smacking)
Call that move the head fap,
or at least that's kinda what it sounds like.
Just look at this intensity,
the focus,
the head pats in between.
I mean, if you're not
violently staring at the back of my head and
scrubbing dandruff out of my hair,
I don't even want to be in your massage chair.
Okay, now pay attention to this move right here.
It's pro and it's easy to miss.
Damping the hair a little bit, give it a spritz.
I think we're all done. Whoop!
Psych!
Sneak attack, hit him with the three banger after he
thought he was done.
You got to keep the body guessing
and Asim here is an absolute professional at that.
Just look at it. I'm done,
not, bring it back around.
You don't see technique like this anywhere
in the United States.
You know what, I lied, this move is called the head fap.
Let's just try and experiment real quick and play that sound
over me violently shaking a pen
to try to get the ink to come to the bottom.
(pen shaking)
Ugh.
I got it.
Got it. And I can write with it now.
(laughing)
I'm literally 13 years old. Jesus Christ.
Oh, that is nice.
This channel is called Healthy ASMR for a reason,
I guess, it's just a conglomeration of
different- I don't know if these
massage techniques are meant specifically
to capture the most
incredible sounds for our ear lobes.
He's got that lav mic, that cheap lav mic,
taped to his wrist you can see there,
not to be confused with a Gus Johnson commentary video.
But it allows us to throw headphones on and really enjoy
these subtle sounds.
I implore you to do it with me.
(hands slapping)
If I'm being honest, as ridiculous as this whole thing
kind of seems to me,
this dude in the chair is probably having
the time of his life. I don't know.
Just something about being touched is nice, isn't it?
Even if it's in weird and creepy ways by a guy that looks
like he wants to suck all the blood out of your body through
your neck hole.
Like, look at this.
Look at that face.
That is the face of a man who has tasted human flesh.
(sucking teeth)
Little sens- oh, the hand, what's he-
What's he go- is he going for the choke slam?
Nope. Fake out, fake out.
Okay.
Ah, yes.
My favorite move.
(chuckles)
(hand smacking)
Listen, you can't fake a face like this.
You know what I mean? When you find someone,
when you find a man who loves what he does,
he just wears it on his face, Asim is guilty as charged.
Oh shit, robes coming off.
Let's go big boy.
(laughing)
Not a word spoken,
but the energy was so strong,
that man's robes just flew off his body.
6:54, I be doing the same thing with my girlfriend.
Get them off, baby.
Daddy's home.
Oh, it's getting personal.
Oh shit!
We got the Thor hammer out.
Oh, hide your kids.
Hide your wife.
Asim's got the Thor hammer, boys.
Whoa, wait.
Look at that.
What's he do- oh, he's winding up.
Don't do it, Asim!
Oh, okay. Fake out, another fake out.
Holy shit.
Guy's got me on the edge of my seat here.
He's really getting in those neck muscles.
No. Oh my God, what was that, dude?
No, don't do it.
Don't kill him, he's too young,
he's got a family, Asim!
(Leon screams)
Woah, my palms are sweating right now.
He's got me tripping.
He had me fooled on this windup right here.
Thought he was going in for the kill.
And then, boom, hits him with a neck-arator like that.
Classic misdirection. Asim is undefeated.
Ladies,
what's stopping you from finding a man that looks at you
like this,
the face of true desire in this case.
I think he wants to paint the wall with his brain matter,
but he's exhibiting profound self-control here.
A lesson we could all learn from.
You know he's not done.
He's got another neck-arator in the bag, I know he does.
Ugh!
Don't do it.
Asim, I swear to God.
Don't do it. He's got a family, Asim.
You know, he's thinking here, like, do I kill him?
Do I? Can I just murder this man right now and
get away from it?
I-
Nah, I'll wait a little while.
So we move on to the stake driving technique here
and while it looks mildly unpleasant,
it's actually an ancient ritual
that elders claim brings prosperity
to those who endure it.
Although it's not recommended if you're a vampire.
(audience clapping)
Jesus Christ, I should do stand up.
Missed my calling, boy.
(chuckles)
Now, here it would appear Asim's in pain himself
or he is just really,
really enjoying himself.
What?
Look at the-
(laughing)
This man's face can move mountains, I swear to God.
I don't know what the fuck his chakra is,
but this guy's got all of them, I'm sure of it.
The wind up.
The self-control, the commitment.
Oh.
Did he just break the fourth wall?
Did he just acknowledge the camera for the first time?
Stare into that. Tell me how you feel.
(squishing)
Oh yeah. Let me get that mallet again, Asim, you sick fuck.
Yeah, drive that stake into my trapezius.
That feels fucking good. Come on now.
Yeah, think about it. Oh!
Oh yeah.
Oh, one more time. I'm almost there.
Oh!
Yeah, I think it's safe to say Asim's maybe
killed someone before.
You know, I've played enough video games in my life to know
what blood lust, real blood lust, looks like.
At least according to developers.
And he's really,
I mean, he's ,like, 98% of the way there.
The look in his eyes tells me that there is
a taste for blood
ruminating inside of his brain and his mouth.
And I don't know what happens once the camera turns off,
but
that's probably for a different website on the dark web.
So he goes on to employ a healthy regimen of
more subtle neck taps as things wind down before the finale.
A few more harder drill taps with, of course,
his signature move.
The old rope dope, there it is.
He continues with a few more mallet taps,
but really ramps it up here in the fourth quarter with a few
gaped mouth air dribbles off his subject's trapezius.
Then he moves right into, you know,
whatever the hell shocker jujitsu shit this is.
But as you can see,
the stress is melting right off our subject's shoulders.
Spread the wax, blow the wax.
Assess the wax
and flick it.
Flick the wax. That move, that's a new move to me,
but I like it.
Finally, Asim on the home stretch now,
steals a page out of my wife's playbook,
with a little kiss on the cheek goodnight,
and the Italian uncle holiday slap on the cheek.
Hits him with a quick up top, okie doke.
And then onto the finisher.
(Asim exhales)
Here it comes, baby.
You can feel it, he's channeling that chakra.
Oh, it's coming.
Lock him up. Lock him up.
Get him ready for the final one. Oh,
the triple look away.
Attaboy, on the neck.
Violent hair pull fatality.
Yeah, and he's out this bitch.
Listen, I don't know what the hell we just watched, alright?
If you want to speak to the manager,
I'll go grab him.
Maybe you can get a free appetizer,
something for complaining.
But this channel, clearly, needless to say,
is full of some gems.
And if after watching that with me,
you're not feeling more relaxed than a sloth sipping
"promethnazone."
There's no help for you, I'm sorry.
Your only real hope probably is to subscribe to this channel
for more crazy Indian massage narrations.
And then you can stand up out of your chair,
gape your mouth, do the triple look away
like so.
And then hip thrust that motherfucking like button for me,
that would mean the world.
If you want to check out any of the links in the
description, for ways you can support the channel,
I appreciate that. And as always,
I cannot wait to see you in the next one.
Peace.
♪ Wooh! ♪
♪ So give me the views ♪
♪ 'Cause I want the views ♪
♪ So give me the views ♪
♪ I need some motherfuckin' views ♪
♪ So give me the views ♪