i've been doing stand-up comedy full
time for the past four years but prior
to that i was
i was a high school teacher no don't
don't don't clap i quit
i got out i quit
people always ask me man did you leave
because of stand-up comedy
did you leave because of stand-up comedy
i'm always like no
i left because i got tired of driving to
work every day wishing the building was
on fire
because i taught i taught for 12 years
you know first year was rough i was a
substitute
the assumptions teach is the worst right
especially that first day you know
walking the class kids all in my face
you ain't no real
teacher you ain't no real teacher son
because if you were you wouldn't be
crying
i couldn't argue
and i became a i was a history teacher
that's what i was went to school was
history teaching
i used to forget things all the time so
that didn't work out
and then i became the school's in-school
suspension teacher
oh that was that was strange because you
just sit in your classroom and you wait
for
kids to show up i remember one time the
principal escorted a kid tomorrow
he said uh mr baxter this is derek
derek's making cat noises in class
he's not on his medication today
we're going to leave him here with you
as a safety precaution
well what about my safety man
i'm not a cat whisperer i ain't got no
litter box underneath my desk
it's a safety issue don't worry about it
then it just left
first of all this is a safety issue and
you're the principal you should be doing
something about it
you should be standing in front of the
school with a list of all the kids on
medication
you on your meds today no get the heck
back on the bus
[Applause]
we can't take you today they're scared
of you in there
sat in this room with cat boy all day
personally he didn't want to do any work
he's at the pencil shopping just staring
at me
[Laughter]
and i was terrified because he had no
pencil in his hand
so of course like are you all right are
you okay
i'm trying to be good so i could go back
to class
i said man i don't think you could go
back to class he said why not i said
cause you were making cat noises man
once you make cat noises
you don't go back to the general
population
he said well what can't you say
something to the principal i was like
say what
you think i can just call the principal
and be like hey he's purring now can i
send this crazy behind back to you
i said no man you got to sit down he
didn't like that he hissed at me
i don't know if you've ever been his dad
by a 14 year old it was terrifying
i knew i was nervous because i moved the
staple a little bit closer to me
i said i will staple the heck out of
this cat if i have to
i'm a dog man anyway
oh my god that was so funny oh
hope for more check out check out the
driver app